should i say something?

[mutiny]

Looking around here, it seems like a lot of people are in a similar boat. My boyfriend of 7 months is six years older than me and has a LOT more experience with dating and relationships than I do. He's dated a lot and been in 2 serious ltr before me, and he is my first serious relationship. But at this point, I love him so much that I just really don't care about his past at all. I don't let it bother me. Every once in awhile, he or one of his close friends might casually mention something about one of these ex-girlfriends, but its never in away thats comparing them to me or anything like that. When that does happen, it still kind of bothers me, but I just let it go.

 

It certainly seems like he really loves me too, and if I'm wrong, then he's very good at pretending. Its difficult sometimes though, whenever I do happen to think about it. He even almost had a kid with his fist serious relationship a few years ago, but it was a still birth at 8 months. That really shook me up when I learned that, but I can't be upset at him for it. I actually appreciate his honesty. His last serious relationship, with a girl called Kim, ended a couple of years ago. Whenever he's said anything about her to me, which hasn't been much, he's told me how horrible she was and the awful things she did. But then one night.... he thought I was asleep and he was up talking to his roommate. They were playing Guitar Hero and a song came on. He said, "I like this song because it reminds me of Kim." What should I do?!

 

This happened a couple of weeks ago, so bringing it up now would be kind of out of the blue unless something in our conversation could lead to it. I know he didn't mean anything towards me, but that really stung and I didn't want to tell him cos he thought I was asleep. How should I take this? Does this mean he isn't over her? It's been 2 years! And from what I've heard she was completely horrible, and she cheated on him too. I've heard him mention her many times to his roommate when they talk about his roommate's various girl and relationship problems when he's thought I was asleep or not paying attention, and then he's talked about me a lot too. But when I heard this I just didn't know what to think. I want to ask him more about her and his other serious girlfriend, just to understand him better if nothing else, but I know it isn't really my business and I don't want to hurt him if he isn't completely over one or both of these girls. Could our relationship really be as great as it has felt like it is if he has said that, or should I just move on? To people who have been in serious long-term relationships before and moved on to another, did you still like things that reminded you of the ex and were you still happy with your current relationship at the same time?

[rustyschackelf]

Him talking about her very occasionally is fine as long as it's in a discussionary sort of way, I.e. Lessons he learned from their relationship and such. But for him to say that he likes a song because it reminds him of her is not a good sign, and could mean that he still has alot of feelings for him. Personally when I hear a song that reminds me of my ex from about 2 years ago I turn it off because even though I an completely over her I still don't want to be reminded of her, and like his ex she cheated on and was nasty to me.

[mutiny]

Thanks for the response. But what should I do about this? Should I just leave this relationship and move on? I soooo do not want to do that. I really love this guy. Should I say something to him? Or should I just forget about it altogether and just be happy with the way things are now?

[Kumatora]

Ugh... personally, it's a major turn off when a guy usually brings his ex up in conversations. It's a clear sign that he's not over her and it brings insecurities into current the relationship he's in.

 

In your boyfriend's defense, the almost-to-be father episode is very devastating and hard to get over. That was his child and people who go through that don't get over it on their own. Has he received any counseling for it? That's very understandable, but he shouldn't let that rule his life.

 

But the one about his last ex... yaddi yaddi yadda, it sucks, but that's life. Bringing it up and moaning and groaning over songs that remind you of an ex... pathetic. Plus it's a red flag that your partner has not got over his ex.

 

My advice: Why not bring it up to him about keeping certain comments about his ex to himself because they are not appropriate to bring into a new relationship. It makes you feel "Well... damn, do I have to compete to prove I'm better?" Whatever happens, make sure he isn't treating you like a rebound.

[MikNomis]

I really think you don't have anything to worry about. I think it's just a little bit of jealousy that all of us would feel if our boy/girlfriend talked about another love they used to have. Even though a past relationship was bad or ended bad, one can still have good memories from it, and I think that's what your boyfriend was mentioning that time he was playing Guitar Hero with his bud. He probably brings her up when you're not listening because he does not want you to get the wrong idea or get jealous or anything because you are the one he likes, wants, and is with right now; not her.

 

My girlfriend also once in a while mentions her ex about something relevant to our conversation, and though I feel tiny * * * * * s of jealousy at hearing memories of her and her ex, I realize that it's in the past and I am the present and I feel fine about it then.

[mutiny]

Thanks for the advice and input! I feel a little better about it now that I've read this and had a little time to cool down a bit. It really doesn't bother me much when he casually mentions an ex when it has something to do with what we're talking about. I think the real reason I've just gotten so bothered is that I just recently moved in with him so I've really been thinking about it all, and now I've been home visiting family this weekend without him, and when I'm not around him for awhile I start thinking about these things. -sigh- I still might mention this if the opportunity comes up, just to let him know how I've been feeling about it, but I know everything will be ok when I'm back with him again.

[anggrace]

I would let it go being that it was a one time thing or hardly ever happens. It doesn't mean he has feelings for her, it might just mean it reminded of him of good times. Im sure he had some with her despite the bad things he's said. It was careless to say, but I wouldn't make a thing of it unless it happens more often.