Mom and boyfriend clash

[kawaiibc]

Hi guys, I need some help. I'm not sure how to put my words into a nutshell but I'm going to try anyway.

 

My mom and my boyfriend recently got into an argument. I came home from the store with him and on our way upstairs she called me back to bring up a piece of news to me that she feels strongly about and began to rant about it (she is very conservative). My boyfriend stated how he felt about the situation (he is more liberal) because he didn't agree with how she felt. He doesn't normally do this because he knows it ends badly, but he told me she said something that offended him a little. So they started debating which slowly rolled into an argument.

 

I tried talking to my mom about it the next day, and all she had to say were very negative things about him. I asked her why she was just mad at him over the argument they had, and she said no, that it has been a culmination of things over the past few months that she's "noticed" about him, all of which are definitely not true and definitely blown way out of proportion.

 

Mom just divorced my dad recently who has treated her horribly throughout their entire marriage. He put her down and wouldn't allow her to speak her own opinion. It feels to me like she is projecting her experiences and turning them into my own.

 

I can promise you guys this; my boyfriend is very sensitive to my needs. He takes very good care of me and has been trying to be polite to my mom despite how she acts sometimes. He is not my father and never will be. I tried explaining to her and she won't listen. He even apologized to me for what happened and he knows he shouldn't have done that, and I accepted his apology.

 

I know she is just worried about me, but the last thing I want her to do is worry about me, you know? Since there's no reason to be. She has enough on her plate to stress out about.

 

The whole situation frustrates me to no end. I wish they could get along but it's like one little screw-up makes all her good opinions on him flush down the toilet. It's like all she does is watch for his bad points and remember those and never talk about or remember the good things he's done for me, or think about how well he takes care of me and how much he truly loves me.

 

I guess I'm just not sure what to do about it all at this point. Should I keep trying to pacify things between them? Or is it a bad idea to get involved at all? I don't know if I'd end up making things worse or what. Should I give it time?

 

Thank you all so much. I greatly appreciate any and all input on the matter.

[Sanesoul]

I think, for the sake of peace, it might help if your boyfriend apologized to her. I know he shouldn't have to apologize for his opposing views, but it might help your mother calm down about him.

 

Sometimes it's easiest to take one for the team if it will help calm the situation down.

[DN]

Ask your mother not to express her political opinions in front of your boyfriend, particularly ones that he finds offensive and ask your boyfriend not to respond if she does.

 

And also tell your mother that you don't want to hear her negative opinions about him. And he should not apologise because that will just affirm in her mind that she was in the right.

[Citlali]

Her mother should be able to express any opinion she well likes in her own house, whether he likes it or not, period. Let's not forget either that her mother called HER down to talk about it anyway--not her boyfriend too. It was his inappropriate decision to jump in.

 

Now, I have never been one to require or expect others to respect someone else or tolerate their opinions simply because of their title--here that of "girlfriend's mother". However, if the mother was talking to her daughter specifically, the boyfriend was wrong to jump in and set the ball rolling for an argument. Furthermore, you all assume he was in the right to be offended, no one has even inquired what it was he found offensive. I don't assume, so it could be that HE was too sensitive and out of line.

 

Third of all, you don't argue with someone's parent and not in their own house to boot. He should do his best to stay away from situations he knows will lead to an argument. He admits he shouldn't have done what he did. Even if she were a total monster, you don't go over to her house and argue with her. He should have been more considerate and thought about how that could cause trouble between his girlfriend and her mother over something he could have talked to his girlfriend about first at least. If I were him it would matter more to me to not cause strife between my girlfriend and her mother than to express my opinion. If I were the girl, I'd be put off by him arguing with my mother no matter what it was about. I would expect he handle himself in a better manner than he claims my mother did.

[DN]

There is also an argument that you don't express opinions likely to offend guests in your house.

[turnera]

How old are the two of you?

[Citlali]

There is also an argument that you don't express opinions likely to offend guests in your house.

 

Might as well never speak then, because there is always going to be someone who is offended by something. In any case, she wasn't talking to him to begin with, so it's not like she directly insulted him. He decided that he would butt in to someone else's conversation. If he hadn't felt somehow entitled to eavesdrop and butt in, none of this would have happened. Bottom line is that she is his girlfriend's mother and he should respect her house and their relationship. It's more important to not cause a funk between mother and daughter than to get so upset over something not said to him to begin with. Furthermore, you continue to assume that what she said was actually offensive. I don't like jumping to conclusions.

 

Seriously, though, I wouldn't censor myself in my own house, period. If there's anywhere I should be able to freely and comfortably speak my mind, and with my own family members of all people, without others butting in, it's at home. I'm not going to walk on eggshells for people in my own home constantly wondering if what I say is or is not ok. Caveat hospes.

[kawaiibc]

Thank you all for your honest responses! Sorry for not responding sooner myself, I've been out of town the past few days and have not had access to a computer.

 

I agree with you, Jenn; I don't want my mom to have to watch her words in her own house. I was very frustrated with my mom for making assumptions about my boyfriend based on the argument they got into, definitely not because of her bringing her opinion up. I see that most of the fault is placed on my boyfriend for speaking up and starting the argument in the first place. Honestly I don't see why he couldn't wait until we were away from my mom to discuss what was offensive to me rather than jumping in and starting that mess.

 

Thank you all for helping me calm down and get my thoughts in order! I will definitely talk to my boyfriend about hopefully getting an apology out to my mom and I will talk to my mom about my boyfriend. I really appreciate it.

 

(In case you were still curious, turnera, we're in our early 20s!)

[turnera]

I'm a big believer in apologies. Why? Because people today RARELY ever apologize for anything. Especially people your age. In this day of saying whatever you feel semi-anonymously over the web or phone text without having to face the person you say it to, people tend to forget that what they say DOES hurt other people, and the anonymity helps them say worse things than they normally would. Think of the kids who have tried to or committed suicide because of cyber-bullies.

 

I think that sense spills over to normal life. Facing someone and giving an apology can have an ENORMOUS effect to teach someone that there IS a code of respectfulness and accountability.

 

Plus, if you do something to hurt someone's feelings, and never bring it up again, try to pretend you didn't do it, whatever, you'll spend the rest of your life knowing you did it, feeling ashamed for doing it, but the longer you wait to bring it up the harder it is to ever do so. Once you do address it, however, you'll be amazed at how much better you feel.

 

I would point out to him that, even though he may feel he had a valid viewpoint, that doesn't trump good manners.

[DN]

If you ask him to apologise to your mother be prepared for a negative reaction from him and, if the relationship continues, for your mother to continue with her attitude toward him.

 

BTW - what was it she said that provoked him to reply?