The crappy ex-boyfriend wanting to be 'friends'

[LONDON]

Long story, but here goes...

My ex and I dated for four years, he was a really crappy boyfriend, was just me,me,me all the time, typically selfish sex-maniac persona. I finally broke up with him for good late January 2009 just before his birthday. I was so finished with his crap that I didn't even cry when our relationship finally ended. I just stopped taking his calls, changed my number, got on with life.

 

Fast-forward to June 2009 and I finally meet someone that I thin I can settle down with. Great family, literally worships the ground I walk on etc. (not in the bad way it sounds).

 

About 4 months ago I get a call from a friend who says that my ex keeps calling her as he knew it was the only way to get to me because of the way he treated me like dirt no one in my family like him anymore. I mean even after 4 years when I wanted commitment and all the other good stuff all he wanted to do was to have sex everyday, spend his money on himself, never make any plans for the future,never stuck up for me to his mother,( she didn't like me anyway because I was the wrong color, he pretended he didn't care but he did. Whenever his family came over I had to mysteriously 'disappear', they knew I existed but hoped it was just a passing 'phase' typical dead-end relationship. I just had to get out!

 

Anyway back to 4 months ago... he eventually ring my work and to avoid the embarrassment I took his call. He says he just wanted to say he's sorry and that he hopes we can be friends, etc. I completely shut his down, tell him there is no hope and that I hope he finds what he is looking for in the future.

After that he started emailing me at work, trying to establish our friendship. He would tell me about his personal life and how it wasn't going well ..Anyway I began to realize that he was just 'feeling me out' He would email to ask me something, like work, life in general and stuff then he wouldn't reply and I kept falling for it because I was just trying to be a friend. After a month of this I finally catch on and stop replying. So days ago, on my way to drop my niece of to her mother's as I kept her overnight while he went to work, was just gonna hand her over on my way to work when she vomits all over me on the bus, traffic was really bad and funny enough this took place just as I was in his neighborhood so I called him he answered he wasn't home but his brother was so I went there to get cleaned up and waited until my sister came to get my niece. I text him later in the evening just to say thanks and he's like: you know I would do anything for you, that has never changed, keep in touch and lets be friends.

He called me today just to say hi while I was at work so I called him after I got home and his called me back just to 'chat' saying that his life his now perfect except in the personal department because his girlfriend doesn't acre about him and that he wished he had someone special to share his life with because its making him depressed. I sort of get the feeling that he is hoping that we may get back together or at least get me into bed until he's bored again. See I know him so well even better than he knows himself I think. He's says he's hoping that we can go for drinks and dinner sometime. I hope I'm not reading into things but I can't help but thinking he's got hidden agendas, also I haven't told my current boyfriend anything about the events of 2 days until present, should I?

[digger11]

no! just stay away!!!

 

what are you hoping to get from him? (if anything?)

why do you feel obligated towards him??

[LONDON]

I think I'm just confused .I keep thinking why now and what does he want from me? I don't think I feel obligated though. Maybe it seems like that. It hard to see from inside the situation I guess.

[digger11]

People do things without rhyme or reason. He could see that he treated you badly and that you were a good person in his life but that doesn't mean he has changed. It is also important that when you with someone that they 'make you/make you feel like a better person" sometimes that isn't always mutual, and it should be.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

What if you had been in an area of town where your ex didn't live...wouldn't you have found some public bathroom somewhere to clean yourself up and then go home and change? There was actually no reason at all for you to call your ex and go to his place to get cleaned up. You set the wheels in motion...I can't imagine your boyfriend being too thrilled that you went to your ex's place. This has bad news written all over it. Yes, I think you should be honest with your boyfriend. I have to wonder how you really feel about your boyfriend if you set the wheels in motion to be at your ex's place.

This is what you just wrote about your current boyfriend:

Fast-forward to June 2009 and I finally meet someone that I thin I can settle down with. Great family, literally worships the ground I walk on etc. (not in the bad way it sounds).

. No mention about how you really feel about him...it sounds like you could see yourself with him simply because he has a good family and worships the ground you walk on. In other words, you seem rather ambivalent about him but will be with him since he adores you.

[LONDON]

I left out detail about my current boyfriend because I did not want to make any comparisons between them. I just wanted to write it how I honestly felt about my ex. I think I didn't tell my boyfriend probably out of fear of what he would think I guess.

I never thought about it, but when its written out in black and white it seems much clearer.

 

I do love my boyfriend but he's not perfect in a 'not putting the toilet seat/ pick your crap up from everywhere' kind of way which I would take any day over my ex. I mean every girl wants to be adored. I think possible I may take it for granted as I've never had that before. We've discussed the future and we seem to want the same things so that's bid deal for me. i just think sometimes maybe his trivial habits irritate me sometimes.

 

I see your point about setting the wheels in motion. I hadn't actually thought about that. Here I was thinking i was on top of things but yet I'm finding out i'm still blind.

 

I guess now the only thing to do is not take what I have for granted as it seems I do without even noticing. I mean most girlfriends never get on with the guy's mom but I actually miss them if I haven't seen or spoken to them in a few days.

 

I think if I ex calls I should jut keep him at arms length. Thank you guys so much for the advice. I never thought I'd say this but sometimes us women can be such idiots sometimes.

[mad rabbits]

Hi London

 

Your post interests me as I have an ex who has come back into my life recently. Like you, I was curious to know what he wanted...I was also dating someone else at the time who I thought was a more solid prospect for a relationship than my ex...

 

In sum this is what happened, just to warn you what the consequences might be of responding to your exes contact and "going out for dinner"

 

- my ex lured into me bed. Not saying I wasn't culpable, I was, but he more or less orchestrated the situation as looking innocent when it wasn't.

- consequently I had cheated on my then boyfriend. So I had to break up with him. Additionally I realised that if my ex could lure me into bed, I wasn't sufficiently into the guy I was dating to sustain a relationship...I think CAD pointed to this in her post above...why are you responding to your exes contact if you are so head over heels for your bf?? I think you are unresolved about your ex...as I was...take note there is danger ahead.

- Well, my burning curiosity as to what my ex wanted is now satisfied... he wanted sex from me. He still pops up occasionally wanting the same thing. On the positive side...yeah, I do sense some remorse from him for the past, I feel a bit more closure about the relationship. The girl he ditched me for, well, she didn't turn out to be so great, and they are finished now...so I can be a bit smug about that. Nonetheless, he doesn't want to make amends or try again or anything...he still uses me, just like he used to!!

 

So what I am saying is...be very careful and be very clear about what you are wanting in responding to his contact. In my case I lacked closure on my previous relationship and I wasn't as sold on my present relationship as I thought I was...in responding to my exes contact I was subliminally sabotaging that relationship...and I succeeded.

 

The story ends happily for me because I am out of a relationship that wasn't for me. But if you value your relationship, story may not end so happily for you.

[LONDON]

Satisfied my curiosity over the weekend. I told my boyfriend everything that has happened and he said he was happy that I did. Also I told my ex that in no way we were ever gonna get back together. Turns out he wanted someone to 'talk' to because his girlfriend as real * * * * * who sleeps with the father of her child whenever he's in town. His idea of talk is normally a roll in the hay. Been there done that bought the t-shirt.

 

I've decided to keep my distance as I do value my current relationship and hope to be in it for a along time. The way I see it , everyone has their problems. I keep thinking of how unhappy he made me when we were together. I just told him that I d rather not be friends and he should stop wasting my time. He didn't take that too well and I've not heard from him since.