Insight requested - 5 yrs then done in a flash! Can it be?

[Fletch F. Fletch]

I hear what you are all saying about not announcing NC, but I offer a couple of alternatives for debate:

 

First of the all, the goal of my reinstated NC is to allow my self to become less bitter and move on with my life. While I have healed significantly from the initial break-up this protracted limbo has caused me to regress a bit. Even if she were to come to be today, and say that we were 100% back together, I still think I would need some time to myself. Second, I want to send a message that it she needs to "step up" and take care of business. I am not going to be around forever. She has not shown me yet that she is willing to fight for us. This is a trait that is imperative to have in a life-long relationship, and if she doesn't have it, then she is by definition the wrong person.

 

So the options are:

 

1. NC instituted without announcement:

 

a. Pros – Those cited by everyone above. It will be a bit of a shock, and cause her to feel the loss, unexpectedly

 

b. Cons – she will likely become defensive and pissed, and she'll blame me for her shock (she will think it is rude that I am not returning her e-mails and phone calls). She may think that I just lost interest, which would justify in her mind, the fact that she did not commit to the reconciliation. In this case, she will miss the point that it was her lack of action that has caused me to pull away.

 

 

2. NC instituted with a very simple message: "I need some space right now"

 

a. Pros – everyone hates those words, because it is vague. It will leave her guessing. She will still feel the loss, and she will question if it was something that she did to cause this. It leaves everything open-ended.

 

b. Cons - Again, she can justify to herself the benefit of not committing to the reconciliation. She may miss the point. But at least she is not reacting to the delivery of the message.

 

 

3. NC instituted with a more detailed message: "I need some space right now, as I feel our reconciliation has stagnated. I am in a good place right now in my heart. I have healed and I want to share my time with someone who values what I have to offer. You obviously have some issues that you need to address, I hope that you take care of them and that you can heal from our experience. Take care of yourself, and when and if you feel that you are ready to commit 100% effort to a reconciliation, then call me. I'll be around. If you decide that we are not meant to be, that's okay too. I wish you the best."

 

a. Pros – I am explicit with the reasons for me to institute NC. She will not be guessing. It tells her that she needs to take care of herself, and there is an underlying risk of losing me if she does not act quickly. It also tells her that I am okay with losing her, as I am willing to walk away.

 

b. Cons – I cant think of any. Sure the ball is in her court to come back to me. But as I have said before, our exs have control of this process whether we like it or not. I will be truly fine with walking away, and view this as final. I am off to look for someone new. If she comes back, I will deal with our issues at that point.

 

Votes? But give me your reasoning as well. Feel free to invent your own option as well.

[craigblitz]

Man I read your words Fletch and it is almost like I am speaking them. After Sunday I really thought she was going to give me some time and give herself time to think about things and leave me alone. Yeah that did not happened.... I still have no clue what she wants, but hopefully 6 textt messages and 3 calls later she is not just wanting to be friends...

 

Anyway back to you question... At this point complete NC is no good in my opinion. Why do it... I would definelty be looking at how much you giving compared to how much you are recieving... If it is not balanced make it balanced. This may make you go against the grain, and be a little cold, but maybe that will send the message and if she ask us be like I am tired of the lack of movement in this relationship or whatever you have to say.

 

If you do the NC route, just do it, but I agree I think it is best to answer maybe every 3rd call or someting... be as nice as you can but no more than that.

 

Anyway, if you want to vent hell scream be pissed at the world feel free to IM me or PM me.Take care

[shockeddismayed]

Fletch...

 

I still vote no announcement.... YET.

 

Once she notices and starts to get angry, then you can give her your detailed reasons... but not until she asks.

 

All the pros you stated, and none of the cons, b/c she WILL give you the chance to tell her why you are behaving that way.

 

Good luck.

 

PS: I call BS on the fact that you are using NC to move on... you are frustrated true... but it will take a while longer before you are truly ready to move on entirely... as evidenced by your post above.

 

Don't worry... we are all in the same boat.

[craigblitz]

Calling out the BS is what I was saying as well that is why I am saying do not even bother with the NC. If she calls just be like I do not feel like talking right now.. or ignore it. This way she is not allowed to take more then she is giving.....