What's the difference?

[Trying1]

I know when a guy(at least most) is in a relationship he still checks out and has fantasies about other women, but my question is: how does he differentiate those random girls from his girlfriend? Like, are there different levels or different feelings automatically or does he have to intentionally differentiate the two? I hope this makes sense. If not, just ask me more specific questions so it's more understandable.

 

(I realize girls do similar things, but I just want to know about guys)

 

Thanks!

[hexaemeron]

I know when a guy(at least most) is in a relationship he still checks out and has fantasies about other women, but my question is: how does he differentiate those random girls from his girlfriend? Like, are there different levels or different feelings automatically or does he have to intentionally differentiate the two? I hope this makes sense. If not, just ask me more specific questions so it's more understandable.

 

(I realize girls do similar things, but I just want to know about guys)

 

Thanks!

 

Well sure. The differentiation is that he's standing at your side, choosing to be with you and not them, even though biologically speaking, he is compelled to look and savour.

[Trying1]

I'm really trying hard to not let it bother me, but I just keep trying to imagine what he's thinking about when he sees those other girls and it makes me feel sick. I know, I know..I need to work on my self-esteem and insecurities and I'm really trying. Trust me. I just keep thinking that he's a pig and wants to have sex with every girl he finds hot. It bothers me that the only reason he is monogamous is because of my feelings and how it would hurt me if he cheated, which is great and respectful(don't get me wrong), but I wish that he didn't desire to have sex with other women. Like me, I check guys out, but I have no desire to have sex with them. Even if it was okay for me to do so, I wouldn't want to. Ya know?

[hexaemeron]

I'm really trying hard to not let it bother me, but I just keep trying to imagine what he's thinking about when he sees those other girls and it makes me feel sick. I know, I know..I need to work on my self-esteem and insecurities and I'm really trying. Trust me. I just keep thinking that he's a pig and wants to have sex with every girl he finds hot. It bothers me that the only reason he is monogamous is because of my feelings and how it would hurt me if he cheated, which is great and respectful(don't get me wrong), but I wish that he didn't desire to have sex with other women. Like me, I check guys out, but I have no desire to have sex with them. Even if it was okay for me to do so, I wouldn't want to. Ya know?

 

You cannot blame a man for being a man, especially when he's not being rude or overt about it. If you want someone to not have male attitudes, then I think you're going to need to date women. ;-)

[guynextdoor]

How does one differentiate? The obvious is he has feelings for you not them.

[Scott12]

You cannot blame a man for being a man, especially when he's not being rude or overt about it. If you want someone to not have male attitudes, then I think you're going to need to date women. ;-)

 

Just because someone's a man doesn't mean he wants to have sex with every attractive woman (or man) he sees .

 

Trying,

 

This might not be something you have to worry about. Personally, I rarely fantasize about other women when I'm in a serious relationship, and the only time I did so was when my ex-wife refused to have sex with me for months at a time. Now I will look and I do find attributes of other women attractive, but I do not fantasize about them in a sexual manner. It's not even a respect thing for me, I just really never have any desire to fantasize about other women. I don't even look at porn.

 

Scott

[Maveric]

Same as when you're attracted to other guys or have thoughts run through your head when you're in a relationship.

[hexaemeron]

Just because someone's a man doesn't mean he wants to have sex with every attractive woman (or man) he sees .

 

Trying,

 

This might not be something you have to worry about. Personally, I rarely fantasize about other women when I'm in a serious relationship, and the only time I did so was when my ex-wife refused to have sex with me for months at a time. Now I will look and I do find attributes of other women attractive, but I do not fantasize about them in a sexual manner. It's not even a respect thing for me, I just really never have any desire to fantasize about other women. I don't even look at porn.

 

Scott

 

Well, see, there you go then, Trying. You can date Scott12 and you can both be perfectly happy knowing neither one of you is looking at anyone else.

[Scott12]

Well, see, there you go then, Trying. You can date Scott12 and you can both be perfectly happy knowing neither one of you is looking at anyone else.

 

That would be an idea, but, alas, I'm engaged.

[Skrat281]

I'm not sure what youre really asking here...But I've been with my fiance for 4 years now. (Engaged for about a year)...I still look at other girls all the time, and think "That would be fun"....But when I'm with my fiance, theres so much more than physical attraction going on, it wouldnt be the same with another girl.

[Trying1]

When I fantasize, if at all, I don't think about anyone specifically. I just think about what is happening, not the person. He told me once that he has seen a girl and then fantasized about her later. He's done that more than once, too(not the same girl). That's what makes it more personal for me. There are specific girls that he has used in fantasies. It makes me feel inadequate.

[hexaemeron]

When I fantasize, if at all, I don't think about anyone specifically. I just think about what is happening, not the person. He told me once that he has seen a girl and then fantasized about her later. He's done that more than once, too(not the same girl). That's what makes it more personal for me. There are specific girls that he has used in fantasies. It makes me feel inadequate.

 

You're making yourself feel inadequate. Not him. His behavior isn't intended to do that, because if you were inadequate... he wouldn't be with you.

[Scott12]

You're making yourself feel inadequate. Not him. His behavior isn't intended to do that, because if you were inadequate... he wouldn't be with you.

 

I'm not so sure. If he's actively telling her about girls he fantasizes about, it could very well be that he's with her, but he's not as happy about being with her as he makes out.

 

Scott

[hexaemeron]

I'm not so sure. If he's actively telling her about girls he fantasizes about, it could very well be that he's with her, but he's not as happy about being with her as he makes out.

 

Scott

 

Or he's so comfortable and trusting of her that he wants to have total honesty with her.

[Trying1]

He's not actively telling me about it. We just got to talking about stuff like that and he told me. My fault; I asked.

[hexaemeron]

He's not actively telling me about it. We just got to talking about stuff like that and he told me. My fault; I asked.

 

Whoops. Don't ask questions for which you can't handle answers.

[Scott12]

He's not actively telling me about it. We just got to talking about stuff like that and he told me. My fault; I asked.

 

Yeah, through experience I've learned the lesson that you should never ask a question you aren't prepared to hear the answer to.

 

Scott

[happygal]

Same here, my bf of 4 years has a wondering eye, and I can tell which type he keeps checking out.

But hey, women are beautiful and he is a man. I asked him to please not be so obvious about it in my presence, and sure enough he really is trying hard.

I know he loves me and what we have is special so I learned to not be bothered by it.

 

Have a conversation with your other half about it, that is what I did, and voila we fixed my issue...that is what a relationship is all about, isn't it!?

[Trying1]

Yeah, but I don't think it matters if I know or not, because I assume it anyway. With assumptions, though, they can get out of control with my imagination, so I feel like it's better to know, but either way it sucks for me. Sometimes I wish I could just know exactly what he's thinking for a day, so that I don't blow things out of proportion. At the same time, though, I can see that blowing up in my face.

[hexaemeron]

Yeah, but I don't think it matters if I know or not, because I assume it anyway. With assumptions, though, they can get out of control with my imagination, so I feel like it's better to know, but either way it sucks for me. Sometimes I wish I could just know exactly what he's thinking for a day, so that I don't blow things out of proportion. At the same time, though, I can see that blowing up in my face.

 

Do you trust him?

[Trying1]

That's the weird thing, actually. I don't believe that he would ever cheat on me. I'm not actually worried about that at all. I just feel really * * * * ty when I think about him looking at other women and wanting to have sex with them. Obviously I'm not gonna be the most attractive girl he ever sees, but I hate feeling that way all the time. Does that make sense.

 

BTW, I'm really trying to work hard on my self-esteem, confidence, etc.

[hexaemeron]

That's the weird thing, actually. I don't believe that he would ever cheat on me. I'm not actually worried about that at all. I just feel really * * * * ty when I think about him looking at other women and wanting to have sex with them. Obviously I'm not gonna be the most attractive girl he ever sees, but I hate feeling that way all the time. Does that make sense.

 

BTW, I'm really trying to work hard on my self-esteem, confidence, etc.

 

And that's really where this will be solved. If you truly were happy/confident in yourself, this wouldn't bother you.

[Hermes]

A male friend of mine says: "The fact that you look at the menu does not mean you are going to step inside the restauurant and have dinner". LOL

 

Or, another one: "Why would I eat a burger outside, when I have prime steak at home." Yes, yes, I know. Most inelegant, but you get the drift.

 

H

H

[happygal]

I am just like you, have a huge imagination and always assume the worst. I think it is a trust issue that I carried over from my experience with my ex husband etc... which that is my problem and not my bf's but I think with time I have gotten much better, and he is playing a huge role in it.

Lot's of conversation is what I need, he doesn't like that so much, but will repeat himself over and over to me until I feel comfortable.

Yep, I fall back into my old ways at times - my poor bf

Keep working on yourself, and have him help you.

 

Good Luck

[Trying1]

Having the issues that I have with my confidence and such, it's hard for me to imagine thinking any differently. I feel like I have to become ignorant to everything and just accept it in order to be happy. I don't know how those thoughts are just gonna leave my mind. I suppose it's possible though. Just a long, hard, journey that seems unattainable to me at this point.