Looking for a reason

[Kieser]

I... I honestly don't know why I decided to register for this or go about typing this, but I really don't know what else to do.. I have a family that cares for me, I think, but I don't care for them. I feel like an empty shell all of the time. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt happy. I'm trying to find a reason why I shouldn't kill myself, the feelings have been getting worse and worse. I've thought of counseling but there is no way in hell I am going to lie down on a chair and listen to an overpayed shrink saying "how does this make you feel?" I just hate living and I want it to stop. I don't want to cause pain for anyone else and there is no way I can talk to anybody about this without them over-reacting , so here I am on my computer and I don't know why.

Attention maybe? or maybe some hope that somebody will give me a real reason to live. I don't mean continue breathing... I mean live. I honestly can't even begin to fathom a solution. This question has plagued me for years and I'm so desperate I think killing myself is the only way out, however cowardous it may be.

[greensleeves]

You have nothing to lose by giving therapy a try. The whole "how does that make you feel" thing is really just a stereotype. Therapy could be very beneficial to you, especially if you feel that life is no longer worth living. Have you ever spoken to your regular doctor about how you're feeling? Maybe antidepressents could help.

[Kieser]

You have nothing to lose by giving therapy a try. The whole "how does that make you feel" thing is really just a stereotype. Therapy could be very beneficial to you, especially if you feel that life is no longer worth living. Have you ever spoken to your regular doctor about how you're feeling? Maybe antidepressents could help.

 

The fact that I have to take something that'd make me feel better seems.... alien to me. I have thought of it, and I mean I have thought hard about it, but it would make me dependant on them wouldn't it? They couldn't get me out of this vicious circle, they could slow it down, maybe even reverse it slightly. My life feels like... a piece of paper floating towards the ground. A breeze may come and pick it up every once in a while, but it'll just glide until it hits the ground... If that makes any sense. It feels strange trying to display how I feel when I can't use emotion. Text is just so... so cold. Talking seems artificial. I lack the courage to pull the god damn trigger and every moment I waste feels like another moment I suffer.

 

 

And to answer the therapy thing, I realize it's a stereotype and that many people may believe it is beneficial. But I know my problems, and have almost concluded that the only way I could solve them is to truck through life for three or four more years. I don't know what may come in my future, but my past holds more pain than I can bear. Every one in my family puts pressure on my, I have become aloof to my friends, I can't stand it anymore. And now im repeating myself, wasting people's time that would be better spent helping someone else.

 

I don't think I have the courage to face what's to come... I guess I must really be a coward.

[greensleeves]

Your not a coward, you're depressed. I completely get what you're saying about your life feeling like a piece of paper floating in the breeze...it's a perfect description.

 

The anti depressents may seem alien, but they really can help and it doesn't necessarily mean that you would become dependent on them. If your body isn't producing the chemicals your brain needs to keep you from becoming clinically depressed and a pill can replace that chemical, there's nothing wrong with it. It's no different than a diabetic taking their insulin or many other ailments that are helped by medication. I don't know, but if you're gonna truck through life for the next three or four years, why not spend some of that time exploring some options that could make you feel much better? I've had some very serious bouts with depression so I do have a pretty good idea of how you feel. When you're that low, it's very hard to even fathom that it's possible to get better or to even find the energy to try, but it's worth it. It certainly beats the alternative.

[Kieser]

It's just... I don't feel depressed. I feel hopeless, but I doesn't feel like I thought it should. I don't feel like my world is going to end. I feel like I'm sick and tired of a meaningless existence on a doomed planet to begin with. I look at everything with a grim outlook and it drives me insane at times. Suicide seemed like the only alternative to... this. Do I really need professional help, or am I just another person complaining about how hard their life is and "why me, why me"... I feel incredibly selfish and self-centered right now, and I don't like it.

Do I need help...?

[Sonicxman]

Hey Kieser, you still there?

[aireyc]

I have no advice for any possible depression, but if life seems meaningless, then there's only one piece of advice I can give you: you're missing out on a lot, and you need to look at things through different eyes.

 

Think of it like this: If someone sits in their room all day, doesn't pay attention to the news, doesn't read books, and is nothing more than a recluse, life seems pretty dull and boring, right? And sure, that life may be dull and boring.

 

But take it a step further. Go back in time 1000 years before our modern advances in science and technology. People studied the stars and had ideas of why things may be the way they are, but did those people know all that goes on in the universe? There's some planet out there, light years away, and some dust is blowing around against some rock. We may be able to study such things now, but were people 1000 years ago aware of such existence? Probably not. But right now, as I type this and as you read this, that dust is blowing around. And think of all the things we don't yet know about the universe.

 

It doesn't matter if you're an astrophysicist on the brink of constant discovery, or if you're someone shelled up in your room. Relatively, we're all in the dark, all a little clueless, and all a little helpless. But that doesn't mean everything we know or everything we perceive is the whole picture. There's a ton more out there, and I think you just haven't found what you're looking for.

 

So my advice is to try to forget about yourself and your problems, and just start exploring what else is out there. This doesn't have to be anything in particular, but just to sit back under a tree and question things. It doesn't have to be questioning YOUR life, but just life in general.

 

I've found the more I do that, the more I appreciate life, and it totally fascinates me. If I get holed up in my studies or some issue takes over my life and diverts my attention, sure, it feels like I'm living in some other world. It's only when I make a conscious effort to look elsewhere do I remind myself that there's a whole lot more out there for me, and the same for you and everyone else.

[greensleeves]

I I honestly can't remember the last time I felt happy.....I'm trying to find a reason why I shouldn't kill myself, the feelings have been getting worse and worse.....I'm so desperate I think killing myself is the only way out

 

Based on your comments above, I think that you do need some help, especially if the feelings have been escalating. I've also felt incredibly selfish at times for feeling depressed and hopeless. It's like I feel I don't have the right to be sad when there are so many others on the planet who have so much less, but life is complex and we're all entitled to our feelings...it isn't selfish or self centered at all. If you feel your existence is meaningless, maybe finding a cause that you could contribute some of your time to would help. It might be a positive step if you're having some resistance to trying therapy or medications. But I honestly think that if you're feeling suicide is the only way out you should speak to your doctor, if nothing else you could get some guidance on the types of medications and therapies that are available. You certanly have nothing to lose by talking it over with him. You said that your past holds more pain than you can bear, maybe cognitive therapy is something that could really help you.

 

You don't need to go through life feeling hopeless and never being happy. You can turn this around, you just need to take that first step.

[Kieser]

I appreciate your help, the comments help and it's good to know that people listen. As for the suicide... I have frequent thoughts, but honestly I believe I couldn't go through with it. I get waves of optimism is what I would call it, like your being lifted above the clouds... as an analogy of course. Shades of blue (low), gray (meh), and silver (high) is how I see it. I still haven't found a silver lining to my life, but eventually I will. I still don't like the idea of therapy, but if the blue streaks continue to get worse it may be something to consider.

 

Once again, it's nice to know someone's listening, even though I know it's only a temporary pick me up.

 

Thanks.

[Sonicxman]

Everybody has those times, when they are feeling low and feeling high, that's why we have each other.

[whes]

I've been off and on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication a few times, and it can really make an enormous difference in your life. It really did change my entire outlook on life. I'll sometimes completely forget what it's like to feel normal and balanced, to be able to depend on my emotions to remain stable and positive. I can't prescribe anything and this is obviously something to talk to a doctor about, but there is no shame in relying on medication if you need it. I certainly did, once I figured out that, yes, I really was depressed. And why not try it, if there is a possibility that it could do something for you?

 

I don't want to make it sound like I'm promoting pill popping or anything like that, but I know that I need medication to make it through certain periods in my life, if I want to function. Because I've tried everything under the sun to do it without, and it was only when I finally caved and tried the antidepressants that I could dig myself out of the deep dark hole of self-pity and depression.

[doityourself]

Kieser,

 

I have been where you are, it does happen regularly, hell yesterday I felt like just ending right then and there, but you cant give up, you have to keep pushing yourself to go on to make yourself happy to find your place in this world.

 

Please reconsider therapy, if I could explain it, its more than what you think. Its a release, you go in tell someone you dont know how you feel everything that is bothering you, they dont complain, stop you and want to talk about themselves, or look at you like your crazy. Nothing like being able to just talk about yourself without feeling like your going to hurt someone feelings, or say things you cant take back.

 

If you cant go to therapy try this, this is actually what I do. Get a notebook pad and sit and write everything that pops into your head, from what your feeling to whats bothering you to your past, everything your thinking. You dont have to show anyone, hide it if you have to. Then come back to it in a couple days after your feeling better (cause if your anything like me the episodes only last 2-3 days) and read it. You will be amazed at what you write, how little the problems are compared to how big they felt at the time. It also helps you realize after a couple times just what it is that bothers you. Then I get rid of it, dont want anyone reading what I write. I tear it up and throw it away. But that is my release.

 

Hope your feeling better today. Im here if you want to talk.