JBag Posted May 6, 2010 Share Posted May 6, 2010 Hi everyone, Word of warning before reading: this will be a long post. I’m just going to let everything out and perhaps I can gain some insight from it. Everything that I write here is simply organized ramblings that are coming through my head, written on a word document like a journal to see if I can make sense of it. So I decided to post it here too to see if you all have some advice, I’d greatly appreciate it. So let’s start at the beginning. Growing up, I was always a little bit of a misfit. I’ve always been very independent and am able to keep myself interested in my own affairs. I’ve never had a big group of friends, just a small circle of really good friends. I was happy with that. I was otherwise a bit antisocial and quiet, still am to a point (not antisocial, just quiet), and I am totally fine with this. Observationally, I tend to click best with those of my interests. I’m a science nerd and always have been. I’ve always maintained good friendships of the like minded. That was the case through high school, and in college I was thrown into a small pot of individuals in the same science-y major. That worked out perfectly, and just so happened to be the happiest time in my life. Not necessarily the most fun, but the happiest. So, fast forward to near-present day. I graduated college in 2007 and moved to a new area where I knew no one. I was hired right out of college and so it had to happen. Again, I was totally fine with that as I am an independent person. I’ll find something to do and people to hang out with. Then things went awry. I moved to San Diego and shared a house with two other people. I figured I’d click right in like I always have. Wrong – it wasn’t a good match at all. This was a new experience because now that I look back at it, I was very lucky to have the social scenarios presented to me up through college. Anyway, too much drama happened at that house so I moved. Same thing happened. I ended up just staying my room all day every day and not doing anything. Isolation started to kick in and I fell into a depression. This was the lowest part of my life, and I knew it. I had no friends locally. Things needed to change, so I punted. I moved again into a house where two science-y people lived. ‘Lo and behold, I click into this group. It was definitely a relief. Unfortunately, I was still battling the depression so I sought therapy. I was instructed to start taking on new goals and aspirations, so I made a plan. I was in a good situation at that house, but it came to an end as the people I lived with moved on… still friends with them, but the girl moved out with her boyfriend, so it caused us to kind of split ways in terms of what we call home. The room in the house where the boyfriend lived opened up due to that… it’s a much nicer house that’s closer to work, and the people that live there are my new friends that I’ve met through the roommates. This house also happens to be a bit of a party house, which is something that I THOUGHT I needed as part of my new self. More social, more going out, etc. So, I moved into the newly opened room at the party house. Present day. I’m no longer depressed but at the same time I’m not happy. I’ve now experienced what I wanted to experience. I go out a lot more, talk to more people, and I’m dating a hell of a lot more women than I used to. Unfortunately, I feel like I’m missing the emotional connection to my new roommates and friends. It’s not the same as back home or my college buddies. There are some exclusions to the rule, but they’re off focusing on their own lives as couples. I have fun with my new friends but ultimately, this is not what I want. I thought it was but I thought wrong. As mentioned before, my therapist told me to mobilize myself; do more activities and get out there. I am: I’m in the best shape of my life (have a consistent workout I stick to, and I’m running a marathon next month), I go outside and enjoy the outdoors more, I’m going back to school in Fall to study what I love (all things science), I bought a really nice car, I have nice things, I’m traveling back home more and, visiting old friends more. I’m doing really well at work… I’ve had two enormous raises since I started and now there are rumors that I may be getting a big promotion soon. (Nearly all the people I work with are of the retirement age, so its inevitable) I have a lot of good things going for me right now. A lot. But I’m not happy – just content. Unfortunately that’s not enough. I want to be happy, but I don’t know what I need to get to that point. So here is what I think is going on: I need to revert back to my small group of really close friends. I don’t have that here. I’ve dabbled in different lifestyles, met some fantastic people, but I don’t quite click with them. I’ve even rubbed some people the wrong way as I sometimes don’t know how to react the right way in some social situations. I’m a nice guy, so I tried being an * * * * * * * /jerk for a while (in the dating scene)… that got me dates with women I don’t want. I don’t want to be that guy, so I think I’m going to go back to nice guy. I’ve tried the binge drinking and party scene. It was fun at first but ultimately not for me. And here is what I think I need. I say “I think” because I thought the new lifestyles I’m experiencing were what I needed, but I was wrong. I need the close nerdy friends. It’s getting harder and harder to do these days as the ones I’ve met are starting their lives with their significant others. Being the third wheel is never fun. At the same time, I need to find that nerdy girl that I can fall in love with. The serial dating I’ve been doing was fun at first, but again, not for me. So here’s what I’m doing. I’m going back to school and perhaps I can click with other like minded people. Maybe even meet a special someone, who knows. I’m going to try to find clicks I can easily blend into, instead of being the social floater that I am. I’m 25 (26 this month), active, and in the best shape of my life. I’m attractive, smart, and have a good sense of humor. I have a great cushy and stable job that is about to explode into a ton of better opportunities. I have a nice car, nice possessions, and good tastes in life. You’d think a guy like me would be happy with his position in life. But I’m only content and that is definitely not enough. I don’t really know where to look, and I don’t want to become what I was all over again (antisocial and alone – that got me into the depression). I live in a party house, and while I like the social interaction, it’s not clicking for me in the long run. I think I want to get my own place, but I’m not really sure if I’m ready that. I don’t know what I want. I want to be happy but it doesn’t seem like something I can get in the near future. Everything that I thought I wanted isn’t. Any thoughts? I know some of this might not make sense, so if you need clarification then please ask. Thanks for reading. Kinda puts things together a little bit in my head as I write it out. Link to comment
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