What are the right reasons and wrong reasons to get back together, and how long to wait

[BU191433]

Quick background - I broke up with him 9 weeks ago. I was starting to think about things and just wondering how long do I need to wait to really know if I do want to get back together. Also what are the right reasons, what are the wrong reasons.

 

Thank you

[hater13]

Quick background - I broke up with him 9 weeks ago. I was starting to think about things and just wondering how long do I need to wait to really know if I do want to get back together. Also what are the right reasons, what are the wrong reasons.

 

Thank you

 

If you just want to get back with him because you are lonely that is not the right reason AT ALL.

 

Get back with him because you love him and miss him, but I hope you have made an honest effort to change the things that you make have contributed to the relationship going sour. Otherwise, a second try just won't work out.

 

Are you sure he wants to get back with you now? Have you had contact with him throughout the past 9 weeks?

[DN]

Don't forget that while you are deciding whether to get back with him he might be deciding to move on. So don't take too long.

[BU191433]

If you just want to get back with him because you are lonely that is not the right reason AT ALL.

 

Get back with him because you love him and miss him, but I hope you have made an honest effort to change the things that you make have contributed to the relationship going sour. Otherwise, a second try just won't work out.

 

Are you sure he wants to get back with you now? Have you had contact with him throughout the past 9 weeks?

 

We have had some contact because I am taking care of his dog, but 99.9% of what we have communicated with each other has been about the dog, no other real contact. I have no idea if he has any interest in getting back together, the last couple times I have seen him he seems like he is doing much better than he was a few weeks earlier.

 

I don't know right now, I am confused. I fear I am thinking of getting back together with him for some of the wrong reasons, like sure I'm lonely and yet I know that is 100% the wrong reason.

 

But I also have had 9 weeks to work through some things and I think I see things more clearly. Yet on the other hand I need to be sure I want to get back together the last thing I ever want to do is get back together and 6 months from now fel like I did 9 weeks ago when I broke up with him in the first place.

 

What is a good way to find out if he has completely moved on, or whether he would even consider getting back together.

 

thanks

[DN]

You should not even hint that you want to get back together with him unless you are sure that you do. If he does want you back, to give him any hope and then disappoint him would be really wrong.

[doiiiieeezie]

You should not even hint that you want to get back together with him unless you are sure that you do. If he does want you back, to give him any hope and then disappoint him would be really wrong.

 

Agreed.

 

I would sit back and see where the "friendship" has gone since, I mean why did you break up with him in the first place? And are these obstacles reasonable to work on?

 

Don't get back together because you are lonely and need a companion. Get back together when your heart and head are in the right place.

[BU191433]

You should not even hint that you want to get back together with him unless you are sure that you do. If he does want you back, to give him any hope and then disappoint him would be really wrong.

 

That is a great point. The last thing I want to be is cruel.

 

Another question. We had been together for 2 years, lived together for the 9 months of that time. (If we did decide to get back together where do you start? do you pick up where things left off, or do you go back to the very beginning, or about 6 months in - typically what happens.

[DN]

That is a great point. The last thing I want to be is cruel.

 

Another question. We had been together for 2 years, lived together for the 9 months of that time. (If we did decide to get back together where do you start? do you pick up where things left off, or do you go back to the very beginning, or about 6 months in - typically what happens.

You try your best to fix what went wrong and then continue.

 

You can't just pick a point in time and 'rewind' to it - a relationship, even if interrupted by a break-up, is a continuum.

[BU191433]

In order for it to work there would have to be some changes and what worries me is the changes I needed to see we had discussed about 6 months prior to our breakup, and the main reason why I broke it off was because I didn't see the changes I needed in our relationship. So I would need a committment from him that yes we are going to change things. Not that it was his fault, but I fear he didn't realize how important the things I brought up were. Big issues like how we spend our money, sex issues, religion, but more than those theree things, I wanted and needed us to be closer.

 

The one thing I regret though is that those 4 issues when we discussed them 6 months before breaking up, maybe I didn't make it clear that I needed changes, and for us to get back topgether I would need some changes or some agreement in those areas.

 

Just a wild thought, what if I sent him a letter/e-mail or something in written form discussing some of this with him. reason I say written form is so he can read it and give it some thought before he has to respond. First I want to give it 5-7 days to decide if I really want to get back together and then I would maybe send him an e-mail instead of setting up a "meeting" out of the blue

[DN]

Money and sex can often be negotiated - but religion can be hard. Can you share what the religious issues were?

[BU191433]

Money and sex can often be negotiated - but religion can be hard. Can you share what the religious issues were?

 

The religious differences were mainly a concern of mine he didn't have any problems that we were of a different religions. He is Jewish I am Christian. I wanted him to at least go to church with me once to see what I am into, but he never did go with me. I didn't need him to change his religion, but there were times when I felt he was in a very mild way hostile toward my beliefs (with good reason from his upbringing)

 

Honestly though of the 4 major issues we discussed I think religion was the least significant, sex was the second least significant - I can deal and live with those two areas. The money concens scared me to death, I think he has real issues with spedning money he doesn't have and then denying it, or not coming to the realization that he simply cannot spend that much money right now on that especially. Also the other issue was that there were times when I felt that when we were living together we were more like roommates than anything. We didn't communicate enough

[DN]

I don't think it was wise to want him to go to your church because that looks like a mild attempt to convert him - did you go to his? What would happen about children and what faith in which they would be brought up? That is something you would have to negotiate.

 

Money, sex and communication are important but can be resolved. So can religious differences if both partners keep open minds and can agree about children.

[BU191433]

I don't think it was wise to want him to go to your church because that looks like a mild attempt to convert him - did you go to his? What would happen about children and what faith in which they would be brought up? That is something you would have to negotiate.

 

Money, sex and communication are important but can be resolved. So can religious differences if both partners keep open minds and can agree about children.

 

He never went to 'church" otherwise I sure would have gone with him to see what he was into, I figure it is a great way to get to know someone. I only wanted him to go once so he would know it wasn't like the type of church he was forced to go to when he was growing up.

 

I tried to bring up the children and what faith they would be, he was never willing to really discuss it. I somtimes would ask if the kids would go to church with me, he never really answered, so that told me, that no they wouldn't.

[DN]

He never went to 'church" otherwise I sure would have gone with him to see what he was into, I figure it is a great way to get to know someone. I only wanted him to go once so he would know it wasn't like the type of church he was forced to go to when he was growing up.

 

I tried to bring up the children and what faith they would be, he was never willing to really discuss it. I somtimes would ask if the kids would go to church with me, he never really answered, so that told me, that no they wouldn't.

Wrll, no response is not necessarily a negative response but it would need exploring.

 

I have heard of people of two different faiths exposing their children to both and allowing them to make up their own minds when older.

[BU191433]

Wrll, no response is not necessarily a negative response but it would need exploring.

 

I have heard of people of two different faiths exposing their children to both and allowing them to make up their own minds when older.

 

I would have no problem with that, as long as they are exposed to both. Really though that isn't a significant issue in my mind and it is less of an issue to him

[DN]

OK - it was just that you brought it up.

 

What seems to me more important than some of thes issues is whether you love him enough to overcome them. So you need to decide that - was it the issues or how much you loved him that made you decide to leave?

 

Relationships can survive a break-up - mine did.

[BU191433]

OK - it was just that you brought it up.

 

What seems to me more important than some of thes issues is whether you love him enough to overcome them. So you need to decide that - was it the issues or how much you loved him that made you decide to leave?

 

Relationships can survive a break-up - mine did.

 

I think you hit opn the most important question. In fact I was convinced I didn't love him as much as I needed to and that was the prevailing thought as to why I broke it off. 9 weeks later, now I'm not so sure. I fear I would need to give it another try to know for sure, but I don't think it is fair to him to just give it "another try" unless I am really, really sure. Although I guess on some level we never know for sure.

 

That is where I would need to know his attitude about getting back together. If he has moved on and is in a good place, fine, I'll move on as well, however if he is wanting to do everything possible to try and make it work, then I would be also.

 

I am really torn, I just don't know how to decide. The easier thing to do is to just keeping thing as they are, I broke up for a good reasons, I can live with my decision. Although breaking up with him was not the easy thing to do then either.

 

Is there any fair way to determine where he is right now before I even suggest getting back together. I need to be fair to him, I broke his heart once I don't want to do that again, especially if he has moved on.

[DN]

Don't rationalise the answer or say what you would do - but if you heard, say in six months, that he had found someone else and was engaged, how would you feel - what would be your first reaction?

[BU191433]

Don't rationalise the answer or say what you would do - but if you heard, say in six months, that he had found someone else and was engaged, how would you feel - what would be your first reaction?

 

Good question. My initial reaction would be hurt, but then I would be extremely happy for him, I hope he does find someone. I would much rather hear that he has found soemone then to hear he isn't doing very well and still not over me, I don't want that. I am being 100% honest when I say that.

[DN]

Sorry but feeling sorry for him is nice - but how would you feel about you other than being upset?

[BU191433]

Sorry but feeling sorry for him is nice - but how would you feel about you other than being upset?

 

I don't know how I would feel about me. Maybe that I'll never find someone, maybe thinking that could and should be me with him, but certainly not knowing for sure if I really want to be with him.

 

Not sure I am making any sense right now

[DN]

Yes, you are making sense. You are looking for clarity and that isn't always easy when it comes to emotions.

 

You already know that fear of being alone is not a good reason to be with someone.

 

Have you dated anyone since and/or found an attraction to anyone else?

[BU191433]

Have you dated anyone since and/or found an attraction to anyone else?

 

Not dated anyone, don't think I am ready to start something new, so haven't been looking. Sure an attraction, but don't want to start dating anyone right now.

 

My brain tells me that getting back together probably isn't the best thing to do, certainly not the most logical

[DN]

Well, you had better not then. Too much risk of two people being hurt.