God help me, I think I am in love with my COUSIN!

[nikkivixen]

Not sure if I put this in the right place. Its a very strange subject, and I and VERY conflicted about it, naturally. Here we go...

 

Ok so umm...I am a 32 yo male who thinks he might be in love with his 20yo female cousin. I dont know if I can get an objective opinion here, but I must get this off my chest before I go crazy.

 

basically, its like this. When I was a teen, my three little cousins were a joy to me. So much fun, I loved when they would come to visit. I tried not to show it, but I always had a favorite. I never thought anything "weird" until she stayed with me and my mom for a week when she was 14. She started flirting with me. The "family" hugs became longer and longer, she did not cling to my uncle like that, thats for sure; nor did she make the maddening little moan sound either. That was reserved for me. She also developed the habit of whispering my name over and over til I turned red. I will never forget the night she borrowed one of my shirts...it might seem innocent but if you had seen the evil gleam in her eyes as she clutched it to her..you would understand. Perhaps she was just testing out her feminine wiles on someone she could trust...thats what I told myself otherwise I would have never gotten any sleep at night. I was both relieved and heartbroken when she went back home.

 

Just to be clear, I never did anything with her. I might have been misguided, but I wasnt stupid. She was too young for me.

 

I tried to forget about it, and resumed my normal life. A few years later, she had a baby boy at age 17. I was suprised at how I felt about that. I masked my true feelings from my family by pretending to merely be disappointed in her irresponsibility. But in truth, I felt a sharp sense of loss. Turns out to be the typical teen mother story, he was her highschool crush and nothing more. He's no longer in the picture except to pay child support. Anyway...

 

Now here I am, back in my hometown because my aunt is in the hospital with a life threatening condition. But all I can think of is her. That makes me a terrible person, doesnt it? Not that I am very close to my aunt or any of my extended family. They are just aquaintences to me, but I cant let them know that, now can I? No, I pay lip service and act how everyone expects me to.

 

Acting. Thats something I have become very good at. Nobody in my family knows the true me. Nobody except her. And nobody knows her like I do either. We both had horrible childhoods full of neglect, physical and emotional abuse. I cant speak for her, but I know it left me scarred for life. Its as if I am broken, and missing parts. I am simply incapable of adult emotions or concerns. While everybody else bores me to tears talking about their bills or whatever, I nod my head like I care whist thinking about music or food. She is much the same way. She just wants to have fun and not worry about all that kind of stuff. I wonder if together, the two of us could make a whole person? I have the worst luck in the world. Not only was my childhood a nightmare, my soulmate is off-limits.

 

We have spent the last two nights up til the crack of dawn, just talking. About everything, all the things I cannot say to anyone else. Except about my feelings for her. I just cant bring myself to just spill my guts to her...its scary as hell. I have considered all of the repercussions. What if she is repulsed? I would lose the best friend I have ever had, it could never be the same again. She might even think Im some kind of creep, since I am so much older. Thats not even to mention the impact on the rest of the family. Theres no way they would ever accept it. Besides, these people love drama and saying cruel things behind people's backs. I can only imagine the firestorm this would cause. No. We would have to leave the state for a year or two before we could ever show our faces to them again. But if I was with her...I dont think I would need anyone else.

 

I wouldnt even be torturing myself over this if I thought it was a totally lost cause. I cant say outright that I am in love, but I have dropped hints. And it seems that she dropped some of her own. Or is this yet another case of me just not understanding normal people? Is it just wishful thinking on my part?

 

I said to her "Dont you sometimes want to just leave it all behind, run away and never look back?" and the next night she says to me "I like spontaneous guys, the ones who just say lets go somewhere!"

 

I told her that I dont feel 32, that it seems like yesterday when she was 14. She agreed and said she feels like the same person she was then, and dislikes how everyone else has changed so much.

 

She told me that I am the only person who understands her and doesnt judge her. She talked of her old boyfriends in great detail (even the sexual stuff), and mentioned that one of them used to listen to everything she said; but she wasnt sure if he really cared or was just wanting in her pants. Mind you, she said this at 4am on the second night of our long conversations. Theres many other little things that has transpired between us; sometimes I catch her looking at me in an odd way. She still does that little moan when I hug her...Plus it seems to me that a single mother would not stay up all night to talk to a "friend" when she knows her boy is going to wake up at 7am. Is it possible she thinks of me as that good of a friend? I cannot be that interesting to talk to.

 

I am just so out of touch; so weird, that I dont know if I am imagining things or not. I cannot trust my own judgement. Please, advise me.

[glucoze]

oh god.

Well if it helps I have a slight attraction to my cousin.

He is very attractive.. and the way he behaves with me forces me to think he feels the same way but he doesn't wanna go there.

 

as messed up as that sounds.

Once his brother and friend brought up a weird comment... apparently he had a sexual dream of me

[nikkivixen]

Doesnt sound messed up at all to me. Then again, I am biased arent I? I know that my feelings for her are pure and good. But I dont think many others would see it that way. And her...I just dont know how she would react. I feel like Im about to jump from an airplane. Its exciting and terrifying and fun all at the same time. I am in a shambles, I am not used to experiencing such powerful emotion.

[Car Chick]

I agree, this is an odd thread, but as someone who has never loved who I should love, I sympathize. My boyfriend is 24 years older than me and has a 14 year old daughter. Trust me, I know the family disappointments, the "What will people say?"s and all the rest.

 

I can tell you though as someone who has been abused, when you were saying that you were broken, I can relate to that as well. I can also tell you that when you are so broken, any relationship is almost doomed to fail. Before you think about loving someone else, you need to take care of yourself. Seek help. I went to therapy to get over my abuse. I can't say I am normal, but I enjoy the abnormalities I have now as they make me a unique individual.

 

Also, I wouldn't advise saying outright that you love her. You said that she is your only true friend. IF she doesn't feel the same way, you may lose her forever if you say something. Sometimes, just being close to the person you love is enough.

 

As for the family, IF your secret gets out, trust me, even a family in love with drama and talking behind your back, eventually gets bored and moves on to the next subject. It may come up again at times, but it won't be crazy forever. That's how my family is too (drama and all) and they have finally calmed down quite a bit about my boyfriend's age.

[Diggitydave]

Jesus Christ

[Crush85]

My advice to you is to NOT go through with it. I know it's tempting, scary, and exciting all the same time (...believe me, I've been there) but it's not worth it bro. Think of the reprecussions it will have on you and your family. And like you said, what if you mention it to her and she freaks out? Imagine how awful that would be. Is it really worth it?

[avman]

This thread is under review.