At the end of my rope

[Fishman]

Thanks in advance for any replies. Know it's appreciated, because this isn;t the easiest thing for me to talk about.

 

I've been dating this woman for 6 months now. And I'm in love with her. That's not something that happens to me everyday, and I've been around the block a few times, so I know I'm not fooling myself. She's fantastic in many ways, and I try to tell her and show her this often, but I fear that things are not going to turn out well.

 

At my age, all single people have baggage. It's just a fact of life. I know I have some, because I have had some traumatic things happen to me in relationships. Things that stay with a person, and she's had some bad things, too. So, I knew at the beginning that I would have to be patient and that I would have to keep a leash on some of my demons. Some days I'm better at than others.

 

I'm in a phase of my life where I am finishing up graduate school. I'm moving towards getting my career started (finally) and trying to pay the bills on time and save some money all at a go. I'm really friggin stressed a lot of the time, and I know that this can be (and has been) a bummer for here at times in our relationship. It's a balancing act, and one that I'm continually trying to get better at. Time management is not my strong suit every day, and I know that bothers her.

 

However, she has some serious trust issues, and it's getting tougher and tougher for me to deal with. I have little free time, and the free time I have I spend 100% with her. I have little money these days, but I spend it with her. And I've told her this many times, and have tried to be as consistent in my actions as possible. But, she assumes a lot of things when i don;t pick up the phone or text right away. She has insinuated many times that there is some other girl in my life, when nothing could be farther from the truth. This is especially frustrating for me at times, because she still is in contact with her ex of 4 years. I don't think in the slightest that anything is going on, but if anyone should be jealous about other people, it definitely shouldn't be her.

 

I have let frustration get the better of me at times with this. And to be honest, I'm not always up to dealing with it in a calm and rational matter when I'm exhausted. And I know that feeds right into her fears and she pulls away even more. It's also hard to communicate with her, because she can be very stubborn. I feel like I'm running into a wall sometimes, over and over.

 

I screwed up two weeks ago. She was coming visit me at my work (I teach at the college level), and it happened to be the one friggin day I lost my phone. I tried to find her on campus, but didn't, and she couldn;t get a hold of me. I had to do a lot of things with people visiting that day and students, so I couldn't spend a lot of time trying to contact her. All I knew by heart was her email, and I tried to contact her as soon as I could, which was a couple of hours after I was supposed to meet her.

 

She was pissed, and has basically found ways to avoid me ever since. I've tried to talk with her, and either I get the cold shoulder or anger. The few times we've seen each other, she is distant. I have tried to give her space, but it seems that she reads this as if I don't care. But, when I reach out, I'm rebuffed. It's wearing me out, and this isn;t the first time this has happened.

 

I'm at the end of my rope, and I know something has to change, or this will end badly. I would like some advice form y'all out there on how to approach this (If you've read this far). I do love her, and I would like to at least try to work things out, but I know that I'm not always the best in communicating it in a way that reaches her the way I want it to. Thanks.

[misssmithviii]

I'm sorry to say, but I don't think she's treating you right AT ALL... and I think she's the last thing you need in your life right now. She's controlling you with these accusations and she's holding you to an insatiable standard - the kind that no matter what you do or how hard you try, she's never pleased.

 

I don't think any amount of communication will get through other than to tell her you're literally reaching the end of your rope because you've done everything you can to please her, to prove yourself to her but it seems like it's all in vain. And when she tries to yell at you and accuse you (which is ridiculous), you tell her that you don't want to continue a relationship where you don't feel appreciated...

[sidehop]

This is especially frustrating for me at times, because she still is in contact with her ex of 4 years. I don't think in the slightest that anything is going on, but if anyone should be jealous about other people, it definitely shouldn't be her.

 

Was she like this in the beginning of the relationship? I don't like for a fact that she's accusing you for the smallest reasons. I'd question her motives especially if you know she's still in contact with her ex. To avoid you completely over a lost phone and unable to get hold of you. Something doesn't sound right.

 

I'd make it clear about her jealousy and accusation. I'm sure you feel like you're on a leash all the time.

[uhohlala]

You sound like you're in your 30's or 40's at least, so the time for kiddie games in relationships is past. But it sounds like your girlfriend didn't get that memo. She's not treating you like a partner, like someone whose goodwill and support she implicitly assumes are hers. She doesn't trust you, and she thinks it's all about her -- your every move and every thought ought to be focused on her.

 

Once you're out of your 20's most unmarried people have some baggage in their personal history -- painful things that have happened in relationships. No one chooses to have unhappy memories, but we do choose how to deal with them. She's choosing to allow things that happened in her past shape how she interacts with you. Or, she's citing these unhappy things as her reason for demanding that you dance attendance on her at all times. It's like you've bought a building with an unpaid mortgage and now in addition to paying your own bills you have to pay off the former owner's debt. That's nonsense.

 

To be honest I rather doubt you're going to have much luck getting her to grow up, take responsibility for her past and the choices that she made. Her "locus of control"( link removed ) is probably quite external -- she sees things that happen to her as being the result of others' choices and actions, rather than her own. That's a fundamental way of viewing the world, and a couple of chats about trust isn't going to change that.

 

The sulks and pushing away are childish. She doesn't sound capable of engaging with you constructively or mutually.

[Fishman]

She is expecting a lot while not giving a lot in return. I don't have a huge problem with her having high standards, we each have our own list of things that make us comfortable. What bothers me is that unless I comply, she pulls away and is distant. That's not a team player in my book, and I've dated enough selfish women. I don't want to do it again. life can be hard enough as it is without that.

 

I laid this all out to her the other day. It ended without words of anger, although she did take a couple of shots at the beginning that are still bothering me ("you need to seek help". yeah, that was ). She still seems to want to keep communication open, but I don;t have a whole lot of faith that things will get better. It sucks, especially after being in this spot yet again, but I know I did all I could do given my present circumstances. I guess I will be working out a lot in the near future...

 

Anyways, thanks. Even though you are just pixels from the internet in my world, I appreciate the advice and the kind words. Hope all is well with you.

[Fishman]

Was she like this in the beginning of the relationship? I don't like for a fact that she's accusing you for the smallest reasons. I'd question her motives especially if you know she's still in contact with her ex. To avoid you completely over a lost phone and unable to get hold of you. Something doesn't sound right.

 

I'd make it clear about her jealousy and accusation. I'm sure you feel like you're on a leash all the time.

 

You may be onto something here. We did the whole exchange stuff today. It was awkward and terrible. Mostly because she kept telling me she was sorry but wouldn't elaborate why. My spidey sense went nuts. I have a feeling I don't know the real reasons why any of this happened and I fear the worst.

 

This sucks. Dont worry, I wont contact her. I know enough not to do that at this point.

[sidehop]

You may be onto something here. We did the whole exchange stuff today. It was awkward and terrible. Mostly because she kept telling me she was sorry but wouldn't elaborate why. My spidey sense went nuts. I have a feeling I don't know the real reasons why any of this happened and I fear the worst.

 

This sucks. Dont worry, I wont contact her. I know enough not to do that at this point.

 

That's good, follow your heart, even if she doesn't have any valid reason (which I highly doubt) she sounds so volatile and unpredictable.

[Fishman]

Oh, I'm not in any way claiming she has no grievances. She's a smart girl and some of what she has said to me is legit. I do have difficulties managing my time occasionally, and I know that affects her. I know that it's not easy to wait around for me to get done with my "to do" list. But, the way she goes about it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. She would lash out or avoid me, and then claim I was bad at communicating with her or passive, even when I really tried to be patient and hear her out. and then she would act like nothing happened. It wasn't good, and I probably overlooked it far too long because I really like her.

 

Anyways, thanks.