Am I living in a fantasy land wanting someone to love me?

[justagirl09]

I am just wondering, if it will ever happen to me. Read my last thread, for more info, its a long story. Basically though, I am totally smitten with this guy who has been tugging on my heart strings for over a year. I really thought he cared about me, but it was all an act. Give just enough to keep me wanting more, but never enough to make me feel wanted and special.

 

I thought it was me, that there was something wrong with me. But I have had so many men send me messages saying how truly beautiful I am, and how genuine, down to earth, wholesome and witty I am, and that they are surprised I have no boyfriend. They are all in another state of course. And even men on the street will stop me saying I am gorgeous. So, I cant understand it.

 

Is it so much to want a guy who will respect me, who will want to see me often, and will bring a smile to my face and vice versa and cant stop thinking about me? Instead of men who think that there is probably something better out there for him? I have alot to offer, so i cant understand why no one cant see it. My problem is probably that I gave him too many chances.

 

I dont even necesarilly need a soulmate, just someone in my life who is deserving (not just anyone, as long as I am not single)

[misssmithviii]

Be patient honey, there are men out there like that who you will be totally smitten with and who will respect you and be as compatible as you're describing.

 

I know because I've found my match. Don't think it's a fantasy, it's a reality you will find sooner or later.

 

That is my opinion and don't get down on yourself ;]

[justagirl09]

Thank you, i appreciate that. Its just alot of these guys are always wanting to "hang out" lets go back to your place and rent a movie. I am just sick of it. And I cant tell you how many guys suggest friends with benefits...ugggg makes me sick.

[misssmithviii]

Of course.

How about next time a guy suggests that, instead of writing him off completely - just suggest something else first so as to gain more trust before you're suddenly at his place?

[GoneCrazy]

I do the same daydream me being with a pretty girl, until i find out shes single or doens't like me enough to date me i let it go, i just have to move on can't sit around thinking how can i get her and whats wrong with me, even that i know whats wrong with me.

 

As for you if men everywhere are saying how pretty you are, then you got many opitions out there unlike many other people. Its kinda like the hot popular chick in school that all guys want but there is that one who doesn't find her attractive nore wanan date her, its kind of a mission for her to have the guy like her.

 

If i were you i would start looking for someone else, when you find someone you won't focus so much on this other guy.

[justagirl09]

Of course.

How about next time a guy suggests that, instead of writing him off completely - just suggest something else first so as to gain more trust before you're suddenly at his place?

Ive done that, and some of them get all defensive or try to be slick. Do you know that one guy tried to convince me that by going to his hotel room it would show that I trust him?? I said how stupid do you think i am???? Idiot.

[Batya33]

Someone noticing your physical features when you walk down the street doesn't make it any more usual or unusual that you don't have a boyfriend. All it means is that those men find you physically attractive. Men, like most people, look for more than just finding someone physically attractive when they look at them - that gets you through maybe the first date - but after that, the two people have to have things in common, click on a personality level and have chemistry (which looks helps with but is far from the whole reason people have chemistry).

 

My guess is that the men you meet are sensing your insecurity, sensing your negativity about men and relationships and that that is a turn off. My other guess is that you are focusing too much on someone's physical features as opposed to whether you have chemistry with the person and you're not open to feeling chemistry with men who might not look conventionally "hot".

 

I dated many men. Most of them did not ask me to go to their place right away or even early on for fear of offending me or making me uncomfortable. Some brought up sex right away or were heavy with the sexual innunendoes, tried to pressure me to be alone with them early on. I didn't get angry - I simply and quietly said that I wasn't interested - and I didn't get defensive or try to "teach" these adult men how to treat me appropriately. 25 years of dating and relationships and while I had my cynical moments, they were just moments. I am not "gorgeous" - more girl next door - I did get the catcalls pretty often but that gave me no information on whether I was "girlfriend material".

 

I think what motivated most men to treat me with respect and like a lady is that I carried myself with respect, I was in general positive about men and relationships, and I had a very strong sense of my own values and boundaries, without judging someone else for having different values/boundaries (it meant that we miight not be a match if they were incompatible).

 

You also have to be willing to be alone rather than with someone who doesn't meet your standards - because if you're not willing that will also be loud and clear in the way you behave and carry yourself.

 

Maybe I'm totally wrong about your situation - I don't know you, just taking an educated guess based on what you wrote. Good luck.

[bruinsy81]

Try to be as objective as you can about the choices you are making.

See if you can detect a pattern that you continue to follow.Things like you are going to meet men,judging them exclusively on looks[there is nothing wrong with choosing to be with someone that you find physically attractive[most people do] but I think most people can find that plus someone they connect with on other levels]Try to break the patterns you have developped,if you had been aware and observant my guess is you could have known much earlier that the guy you were currently interested in wasn't highly interested in you.

[YakasJourney]

Is it so much to want a guy who will respect me, who will want to see me often, and will bring a smile to my face and vice versa and cant stop thinking about me?

You have to meet different people and there is no guarantee that any one person is going to be that special person who "can't stop thinking about you." It seems like you might be stuck on the fact that your last relationship didn't work out. I don't know why he didn't want to commit to you, but you have to accept it. There is someone out there who will, you just haven't met them yet.