Numb. Can't cry. Can't sleep. Sad, and maybe a little guilty too...

[spinstermanquee]

My "cousin" passed away this week. We didn't grow up together. She was a lovely woman who had a child with one of my relatives (he abandoned them shortly thereafter). To simplify things I just called her my cousin. We were somewhat close for a brief time as adults (several years), our kids are the same ages. She was the best mom in the world, a real inspiration, and an overall gem of a person.

 

She got cancer several years ago and started pushing me away. Initially I resisted (not very elegantly, and kind of selfishly I admit) but apologized in a letter and with full responsibility the next day.

 

She had other people, closer friends, and blood relatives who were lifelong friends and that was her chosen support system. So after a while of not hearing from her, I accepted that it was her right to limit her circle in her time of need.

 

Anyhow her cancer was in remission and she reached out to me about six months later. We talked a bit about getting together but it never really happened. We fell out of touch after another few months of speaking occasionally.

 

In the interim between then and now, I guess she had a recurrence and she died this week. I hadn't had any news of her until I was invited by her kid to the memorial.

 

The guilty part is I wish I had been more persistent about keeping in touch, at least just to check in on her.

 

So I'm just not sure what I'm feeling, it's kind of mixed up. Mostly sad for her momless kid, but also cognizant she's not suffering any more. I've been trying to sleep for three hours now and thought that getting up and writing about it here on eNA would help.

 

Thanks for reading/listening. If you connected with anything I wrote here please feel post any comments or feedback.

 

Hugs to all...

[Brittney2008]

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. How very sad. My condolences, it is so hard to lose someone. Even if you weren't always close, she was a member of your life and to get the news that she is gone must have been really hard.

 

Reminds me of my moms best friend for about five years. They had a falling out but they still randomly kept in contact. One day my mom was in a store and some friends of my moms best friend recognized her and informed that she died...my mom was devastated feeling like she should have contacted her. Through trying to help my mom with this I understand your feelings and emotions.

 

hugs,

Brittney

[KeepMe]

I'm so sorry to hear this, I know exactly what you are going through. My cousin actually passed away last August from a drug over dose. I have a brother that is 30, and a sister who is 27, and my cousin was 28. Obviously my cousin was really close to my other siblings they practically grew up together. I was not the tightest with my cousin, but if I ever needed anything I could count on him.

I didn't realize how much he hung out with my age group, and how most of all my friends knew him.

Sadly, after he passed away this really clicked. Some of my friends called him up to hang out with him from time to time, and some of my friends even knew him more than I did. After he passed away I noticed this when people brought stories to the table about him, and tried remembering him. I was quite guilty that I didn't just call him up one day and say "Hey feel like hanging out?" I didn't try to connect with him more, even though we were close in an unclose way ... though that's not worded right.

I last seen him a week before his death, he volunteered to install my stereo system for free. He looked a little rough, I knew he was into drugs and troubled. He was mainly just a pill popper, no hardcore drug use. I wish I could have seen something like this coming, so I could maybe have stopped the issue of his overdose. I know that wasn't possible, it was going to happen, but I still have some guilt for that.

 

It's weird when you don't see someone very much, and when you do things are great and they would do anything for you. When their gone you really see those things. I remember when I had a hard time in high school he would always tell me to let him know so he could take care of the bullies. When my sister and I got into a severe fight, my sister ended up getting violent and really mangled some parts of me, he was the first one to my house when my brother couldn't make it to be there when help came. I sometimes get into deep thought and the person that you hardly see, comes through on all the important times. I start to wonder whose going to be there anymore. It's a sad deal, and I know exactly what you are going through.

 

It's tragic she left behind a kid, that has to be rough. I couldn't imagine losing one of my parents, I fear that everyday.

I'm no good with consoling someone after a death, these situations are always rough. Unfortunately as much as people hate to hear it, time definitely heals some pain even when it seems like it never will. I'm very sorry.

[spinstermanquee]

thank you for your input. i slept a bit although i do feel a little rough around the edges

 

now i'm just focusing on the best way i can honor her memory and do something good for her kid. i think she would have liked that better than if i sent a bunch of flowers to the funeral home.

 

cheers all...