Why the need to lie???

[ElizaLibbyBeth]

I just want to throw this out here and see what comes back, as I can't make sense of it at all!

 

Short version: the ex left me at the end of November after a 5 year relationship and having a son together...got an apartment behind my back...cheating on me with one of his co-workers. Led me along until the end of December, until I talked with this woman and she informed me they were in fact seeing one another. After he found out we talked...no more leading me on...it was over...final...and is still VERY cruel to me to this day.

 

He has since denied having any sort of relationship with her, stating she is just a co-worker and a friend. His status on fb is single looking for women/dating. Ran into one of our mutual friends this weekend and he informed me (because he doesn't agree with the way the ex is being) that in fact, he is seeing her...she comes over and drinks with him and has sex with him after our son is in bed...have to give him credit for not bringing her around our son, but who knows maybe he is...our son is only 2 and can't talk about that, nor would I want him to feel pressure to do so if he were old enough. He has a net10 cell phone just for the purpose of calling and texting her.

 

I am not an idiot...he does have the right to move on and be with whomever he chooses to be with...it stings a little because it is with the one he left me for. But really...why the need to lie about it??? It blows me away. Why wouldn't he just say that he is with her and in a relationship with her??? Is it because we are getting ready to go to court for custody? But him having a girlfriend wouldn't make or break that.

 

Any opinions??? And should I even give a crap??? Blows me away...

[misssmithviii]

People lie for many reasons, but none are good enough to justify.

 

The main reason people lie however is to give the person they're lying to, a false impression of who they are/what kind of person they are. As in, lying about infidelity is trying to give you the impression they are faithful, respecting and honest - when in fact they are not.

He wanted to save face and hold onto every moment that you thought he was a good man towards you.

 

It's horrible and I'm sorry this has happened to you... it's unfair, and I wish you the best.

[eggplant47]

I think you hit the nail on the head... you guys are divorcing & going through custody issues. Infidelity never sounds good in court!

 

I know it's hard not to care... but this person has clearly moved on. I think your energy would be better spent trying to heal your heart rather than trying to figure out what your ex is thinking.

[SadAndy]

I know it's hard not to care... but this person has clearly moved on. I think your energy would be better spent trying to heal your heart rather than trying to figure out what your ex is thinking.

 

I keep being told this, and I know its true, but if you find out how to do it, let me know!

[AutumnBorn]

He lies to try to not hurt you any further or worse. He lies to protect himself from your anger. He lies to avoid conflict. He lies because she's his transition person and he knows he's just using her. He's lying because he doesn't want you to sue her for alienation of affection (can be very costly, if you live in a state that allows this).

 

It has nothing to do with going to court for the divorce itself. The court doesn't care why, it's just there to help you both get out of it in a fair manner, whenever possible, and to protect your son from further harm.

 

You need to read Uncoupling. Best sociology book ever. Answers a lot of questions.

[ElizaLibbyBeth]

Thank you all for further insight. We are not getting a divorce, as we were never married...we just started going through the custody process...he served me with papers about one month ago.

 

He has been lying this whole time, not just since the attorneys have gotten involved. BUT...I think the whole wanting to avoid conflict is a big part of it. Now wanting to hurt me further...not so sure about, but maybe a possibility as well.

 

I know it is over and he has moved on...I am sort of smart. I guess for me, honesty is something I place high value on...not as important to others. And I am moving on as well...it is the "small" things that have me take a step back from time to time.

 

Again...thank you so much for your replies...this community ha really held my hand through some dark days. You all are invaluable! Have a wonderful Monday!

[circi]

Yah the court doesn't care why. I wish it did since that would have helped me in my divorce! The situation was VERY similar to yours although he did not go to the extent of yours in getting an apartment. He denied for 2 full years even after we split up that he was dating her, she was "just a friend".

 

That has been 15yrs ago. The ex-husband and I are now open and honest enough with each other that I've asked him why he didn't just TELL ME and not lie. It took two years after we split for him to admit it, and he married her about 4yrs after the split.

 

Maybe his answer will help you?

 

He loved me, and didn't really want to lose me. But at the same time he could not help wanting her as well. If he had his way he would have kept us both around for the duration but if forced to make a choice...

 

Not a great answer, but I have no doubt it was an honest one. I know it sucks and makes it harder for you that you're not getting your answer, but it may just be the same reason it happened to me.

 

It does get better.

[GivenUpOnHope]

liars are pathetic. they lie cuz they don't like who they are and some ppl just can't control it. they're just compulsive liars. lying about the littlest things. insignificant things. after my ex and i broke up, i found she had lied to me about a lot things, big things, lil things, stupid things. the more i find out, the madder i got, i lost all my respect for her. i may still love her very much, but i despise her. not for what she did to me, but because she lied to me.

 

why lie at all? it takes so much more effort to lie and keep up with stories. why can't they just be honest with themselves? sighs...