going insane

[EmptySoul]

I wrote this last night, no thinking really, just every thought that came into my head. read and comment if you will...

 

At night I can't sleep bc my mind won't stop. All day I can't think bc everything I do is wrong. I am afraid of myself. I ache for my depression to stay; who I am outside of it is selfish, stupid and cruel. I am my own addiction and my own disease. I don't know what to do or say and I don't know how to act. Every word and action feels fake, even my voice seems like someone elses. I only want to please them all, to be who they want, and I'm drowning in confusion. I need them to survive, but they are suffocating me. I feel like there's nothing important enough to live for, so I feel so restless. I do everything I can to fill up this time, but still I feel like I'm dying without something. It grows more every day, this searching feeling, like I am looking for something and quickly running out of TIME. I look for it in every person, in every voice I listen for it. But I don't know what I'm looking for. I must be going insane.

I feel like I am eating myself alive.

 

-EmptySoul

[Tebus]

I can relate. I've been telling friends (and this is pathetic) that I feel worthless. Like I can't find a reason to exist. I know what I have to do, but there isn't a whole lot of will power. So I understand your predicament. I think that you need to have a plan spiritually. What is it that you want to accomplish? You say you want to please everyone and be what they want, but is this possible since everyone wants something different? The question is what is the RIGHT thing to do... Not what does everyone else think is the right thing to do. If you can narrow yourself down to one path, you will be more determined and you can focus on doing the best you can do...

[Eh Im Canadian]

Nah, your not going insane. Well, maybe wanting to be depressed is a little crazy, but thats about it. I guess you are finally coming to terms with the fact that no matter what you do or say, nothing you do will matter all that much. Regardless of the fact that everyone says people will do things that are amazing, the only way to do it is to value that thing more than your own life. You aare running out of time. Every second that goes by will never happen again no matter what you do. Take intiative and try and let yourself flow with everyone else, until you get a chance to make a change, These chances don't happen often, so you will have to always pay attention so you'll know when you get them . That is what I think you are looking for. You want a goal that will make a difference if you succeed, and prove that you aren't going to grow up to be the vice president of accounting at some random company that nobody knows about. Hope I helped.

[EmptySoul]

Thanks Canadian.

 

EmptySoul

[dpressedone89]

uhm i hope your not going crazy because if you are that means i am too. about wanting to stay depressed i understand i dont want to stay depressed but i dont want things to go back the way they were when i was lying to myself i hated myself that way. and the whole thing in general sounds like it might be a manic episode i get them all the time especialy the not being able to sleep. i dont think your going crazy

[tainted_soul]

wanting to be depressed is not insane. none of it is insane. though i've always thought that being insane would be nice.

and i quote the song "Francis Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle"

 

i miss the comfort in being sad

 

 

sounds like you're depressed...and anxious.....

so somehow you've got depression and anxiety at the same time.

 

plus i think maybe you need to sit down and sort out your priorities. you can never please everyone all the time, and if your goal in life is to please everyone then you will end up losing who YOU are for other people. and you WILL end up depressed when you don't even know who you are or what you want. and people won't respect you if you aren't your own person. watching everything go by you isn't fun at all. take some time out, relax, then set some serious goals, about what YOU really want to do. don't hold back just because you're afraid of what other people think. if they don't like you for who you are, they're not your friends in the first place. do it NOW! cause like Canada said, time is slipping away.

[Eh Im Canadian]

I disagree with one thing that tainted_soul said. That thing was that wanting to be depressed wasn't a little bit crazy. If you could feel happy, and by definition of happiness for me (and link removed): Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.

 

Now give me one reason that you WOULDN'T want to have joy in your life? I don't want some bogus reason, like : Because I don't, or Because I like being depressed, thats like saying "I'm right because I'm smarter than you, and I'm smarter than you because I'm right." Joy is what everyone wanst, in one form or another. They can tell themselves that they don't, but whenever they experience joy, they like it. And since being depressed means not being joyful, it is the opposite of what you really want. Yeah I tried to find a good analogy for this, but I couldn't so you'll just have to visualize what I am talking about.

[EmptySoul]

thanks for all the responses. Canadian, one reason why i shouldnt be happy/joyful...i feel like every time i am happy it is for a selfish and wrong reason, that when i am not depressed i am selfish and cruel and don't notice things i should, that during "happy" times my priorities are actually there but very wrong.

 

EmptySoul

[Eh Im Canadian]

Maybe you shoudln't be noticing those things if they don't make you happy. It is true, you can't gain something without losing something else, so maybe if you don't want to be depressed and you dont want to be happy, so stay neutral. Wht kind of things make you feel selfish? Perhaps you are finding joy in the wrong things. I always feel happy if I help someone, so I don't know how that could be selfish. I also feel happy when I win something, but you could see that as selfish. In order for me to win, someone else has gotta lose. So should you feel bad everytime you play a sport and you beat the other team? Of course not, then everybody would be depressed. Of course, a lot of people are depressed a lot, so I guess I just disproved my point. But you got the message of what I was trying to say. Good Luck in finding happiness.