Boyfriend has sex issues.

[Frustrated]

Hi, everyone...I am feeling very frustrated...and would appreciate any advice anyone has to offer.

 

I am a 23 year old female & I have been involved with my 29 year old boyfriend for 3 years now...we love each other very much & have an awesome relationship...we are best friends & do everything together...everything except sex that is.

 

When we first started dating I wanted to save myself for marriage...after about 2 years I decided he was the one I wanted to share myself with. We finally had sex & then I started noticing he was uncomfortable with things. I would get all dressed up in lingerie for him & he would say I am too tired...or some other excuse. After the 4th time he did this to me I started getting really upset about it. I would often land up crying myself to sleep I felt so horrible. I've questioned him a million times...asking what is wrong with me...he always says nothing that I am the most beautiful girl he has every met in his life.

 

I am frustrated because when we go out he gets mad that I get a lot of attention from guys...he says he is tired of them alway hitting on me...I see his point but at the same time I feel...well at least somebody wants me. He always makes me feel bad by telling me that relationships are not based on sex & that I will learn that one day when I get older....but he doesn't understand I already know this. Is it wrong for me to want to feel intimate with my boyfriend? I don't think it is.

 

He knows how upset I get over the sex issue, he tells me that he is worried about me getting pregnant...but we use every & I mean every preventative measure known to mankind. Everytime I cry about it he tells me, if that is what you are looking for then why don't you find one of those guys that is always hitting on you. He doesn't understand I don't want other guys...I want him. It is frustrating because he is an awesome guy & treats me like a queen except for the sex situation. I have been so frustrated about things that I just wish I didn't even have sexual desires or feelings...I honestly wish they would go away so we wouldnt argue so much about things. Is it wrong to feel this way...please help!!!

[Michael2]

Frustrated, your feelings are yours, so dont ever think the way you are acting is incorrect. You can not control what or how you feel.

 

Does your boyfriend suffer from insecurity issues? THis may be a long shot, but follow me here.

 

Has he always been jealous , does it rear its ugly head every now and then. If so , maybe he is withholding sex as a means to punishing you for HIS insecurities.

 

-OR-

 

Does he suffer from ED? THis can be a cause of embarrassment for many men.

 

 

-OR-

 

Is there ANY possibility he may be GAY?

 

Best of luck. I suggest you have a long talk with him. I know you have brought this up previosuly, but tell him how much this is bothering you. If not, maybe a session or two of counseling could help.

[Frustrated]

Thank you...you hit the spot on many areas.

 

I am almost positive he is not gay (although never say never I guess), just because I caught him looking at women on the internet...(another thing that bothered me because I felt betrayed...like he was looking sexually at other women...when he couldn't look at me the same way)

 

 

I know that my boyfriend feels insecure...and most of this stems from the fact that most of his friends give him a hard time...they use to joke around & tell him that there was no way a girl like me would ever be his girlfriend. His jealousy has pretty much always been around especially when we separated for a while & he found out one of his best friends tried to date me.

 

 

Also I know that he has had problems with impotence...there have been times when this happened. I never made a big deal out of it...but it was kinda disappointing because he is almost never in the mood & then that had to happen.

 

That is interesting that you bring up the punishing issue. This may also be a possibility...especially since he knows it hurts me. I mean there have been times when I have given him a back massage & set up a romantic environment & when things started getting a little more heated he would deliberatly tell me "I am not in the mood lets just go to sleep...or you could keep giving me the massage"...gosh talk about brutally honest

 

Thanks for the reply

[MVP]

Well, it doesn't look like the situation isn't going to get any better unless the two of you get some counseling. The bottom line is, though, if the two of you don't have any sexual chemistry, you'll find it to be the ultimate reason why your relationship fails. As the wise man once said, "If you have great sexual chemistry, then it's only 10 percent of a relationship; if you don't have any sexual chemistry, then it's 90 percent of the problem."

 

He could be overly concerned about his performance in the bedroom, as well. How many girls has he been with before you? He could also be suffering from impotence; however, at age 29 I kind of doubt it. Is your boyfriend the religious type? That might explain some of it...

[laroxes]

If he has erection difficulties he can be prescribed one of the current pills to help with that problem. I know there are 3 different ones available now.

[Kary]

i'm new to this site and just happened upon your issue and found it scary that i have and am in this situation almost to a tee.

 

considering 90% of your situation is like mine...let's go from there.

 

i am 26, dating a 26 year old. the 10% difference between us is that i was not a virgin when i started dating him--and maybe acouple little things in your posting here and there.

 

so anyways, we had a normal sexual relationship, but then out of no where, it begin to dwindle away. now, if i'm lucky, we make love 1-2 times a month. this hurts. off-track here for a second, i was raped at age 16 by an ex, had no boyfriends for years and then didn't have sex again until college (age 19ish), was almost married to a man...and all along never had an orgasm...well with my present boyfriend, for the first time EVER, i am having them. so my point, it hurts because for the first time it's right. now keep in mind our very very similar situations: jealousy, mean comments, etc.

 

about a year and a half ago (1 yr. into relationship), he confided in me about his past--his stepdad had sexually abused him from the age of 9 to the age of 13. no one else knows this, he's embarrassed. he has no good or any memories of that time period, even general thoughts or memories--nothing.

 

i've been seeing my "shrink" that has been in my life since i was raped, and he strongly believes that my present boyfriend is having intimate issues because of the past sexual abuse. he said maybe our sexual relationship was normal in the beginning, but now that he's in a serious relationship for the first time, he's backing off because of the closeness, the intimacey is hitting home with the bad memories of the abuse. does that make sense? it's like intimacy scares him--the serious, settle-down parts.

 

i thought he was gay, like the other member suggested, but found out this abuse information and have definitely ruled it out. his jealousy, whether ridiculous or not, has no part in this (for me at least)...

 

oh, and something personal here, he on a regular basis likes to "receive" sexual things, but not give often...and then the lack of sex comes in.

 

"hunt" around for feelings or information from his past, through him. although it may be hard to hear, see if he's had healthy relationships, sexual or not...what is his relationship with his father like? his mother? his siblings? that tells alot. on my end, his mom and sister were the only regulars living in the home (the father passed away 10 years after the divorce, the stepfather bolted because he's a worthless human being), and he's always felt out-numbered or not understood...so when it comes to him and i, it's like i am receiving the memories of his past as a woman...his jealousy, his telling me i have a problem with being obsessed with sex and settling down and so forth, then comes in with the abuse memories.

 

one last point: our relationship was perfect at first and then, besides this issue, he has an addiction--so things are tough now, but getting under control with some professional help. i will seriously suggest that you find out about his past, family, relationships, etc. if you hear "red flags" in anything he says, consider that as maybe a clue.

 

i think the other member posting replies to you is really on the right track...just consider the abuse subject into this. i thought it was me too, but at least in my situation, i realized on my own it wasn't and by some act of someone out there, the abuse came up and things became more clear. now please don't go and bring up abuse or be too blunt, it will put him on guard like you wouldn't believe, i'm sure. just dig a little and see what you find. good luck!

[jestersupriem]

Ok, I'm not trying to be mean or out of line. But, I can speak of experience on this matter sense I am a guy and been with a few ladies in my days. (not bragging).

 

I have been with all sorts and sizes. But, their are a few that come to mind that I have dated on a regular bases. Beautiful, fun loving woman these were, I had no complaints at all except ONE. The bed-room.

 

Ladies please understand I am not trying to be mean. Sex is fun,beautiful, exciting and best of all sexual But, sex can become mundane, lame, boring and strenuous. But, this is not the mean part. Just a part.

 

On to the mean part. Men are attracted to beauty and ego fulfillment. The one thing that can turn a man off in a heartbeat is Bad Smell. Ladies that smell bad will have bad sex. The man wouldn't even want to begin or pursue his companion for sex because of it.

 

I remember liking this one woman allot, until we had sex. I would drink every night just to get a good buzz so, I wouldn't even think about the smell. She questioned my drinking and I questioned myself. lol. Ladies please take every factor in mind before we point figures. Men are so simple, If I was a woman I would be rich.

 

 

jester

[summerdreams]

heheh just curious...do you mean the smell of her breath? or the smell down there?

[Kary]

I agree, the "smell" person's post IS off the subject. In my case at least, the gay thing was a huge concern at first, but after I concluded (with facts) that it was not the issue, I found out about the molestation as a child, by his stepfather. You know, we had a normal sex life for the first 6 months or so, and now after 2.5 years, it's dwendled off like you're saying: once a month or less! I know that my boyfriend has anxiety issues and addiction problems--like obsessive cleaning, fidgeting, and so on. He says that with the stress and such in his life that he cannot, even when he wants to. By cannot, I mean perform. He enjoys the act and foreplay, I can testify to that, but they are few and far between. I now agree with him after we've talked, that the stress level in his life is affecting performance. Without giving your b-friend suggestions (which may lead to his excuses), maybe ask him if he's stressed out on a daily basis or notice if he's OCD or the like. Without bringing up your intimate life, of course, so he's not led on by the subject.

 

I feel the same way. My body almost feels achy and/or numb when I get rejected. It hurts, like you said. I've backed off of pursuing because it gets me no where--it seems to change the experience when it does happen. I've read before that asking or encouraging more sex to a man will turn them off in our situation. It adds to the fire in a sense. I think maybe this is a process that we cannot expect to happen overnight. If you have a lead on the issue, go from there like I am. I never thought in my wildest dreams that he was abused...but then again, it's a fact that 1 out of so many men/women are walking past us daily, that have been abused or are being abused, we just dont' know it. it's something that is rarely, if ever brought up or discussed. I know my b-friend has pride like you wouldn't believe and is very private--so it was an experience and a half when it came up finally.

 

Just check it out...see what's up with him, and make sure before you talk marriage. Sex isn't everything, but it is a bonding part of a relationship. What my doctor once said was, "if you can stick by him for the process of solutions, then go for it. If it's something nagging at your brain constantly and it's running your life, then re-evaluate."

 

Let me know if anything "arises"!

[jestersupriem]

This is typical. Blame the other while living in denial. Smell yourselfs and tell me. Also, have you guys ever thought of asking him? What if he has Bi sexual thouts? How about asking him and see if you can act it out with him.

[Kary]

This last post is not the issue. He has some childhood issues that ARE following him to adulthood. He has stress in his "social" life that has been driving him nuts. It's not smell or bi-sexuality. And I HAVE asked him. He of course, like any other man would like a 3-some--with another woman. But not another man. We're open, we can talk like that and be honest. I'm not blaming him. I'm concerned for his mental health. He's got problems beyond what you can comprehend, trust me. Now though, he has simplified his social life to an absolute minimum. He's a ton better. And hey, guess what, our intimate life is back up to par. Not 100%, but almost. He's been going with me to my "shrink", we've been talking and the like. Communication, communication, communication. No blaming, lying, etc. Just plain old communication. It's the breakthrough that's the tough part--and he's a tough one.

[Serendipity1607307077]

Maybe he feels that he might not be able to satisfy you??

 

Or yeah, maybe he is gay...

 

So have you tried not wearing lingerie?? Does it make any difference??

[Kary]

Beelzebubmilk...I agree. I think it's just immature and a coverup for their own issues! You go!

 

Kommandant...I'm not sure if the satisfying thing is it. Although an obvious thought, I[/b] never thought of it! I don't think that's it...not sure though. In the beginning we were going strong, then about a year later it started to dwindle. We moved in together so he could move out of his mom's and save cash and I wanted to save too. Then he would disappear all night, sometimes till the next day...then the "going strong" went to not at all or only when he wanted something. It got to the point of us breaking it off for a bit. I moved out and then after everything blew over, we were back together, living separately--the sex was normal at that point from what I can remember. But then it became shorter...each time that is. He used to say "sorry" or the like, but now if the moment seems to need a comment or not, I'll let him know how satified I am. To be honest, and I'm sure other women agree: as long as we're both satisfied, personally, I don't care HOW long it is. So maybe or maybe not--satisfying--being the issue. Maybe he thinks it's not good enough, but acts like it's okay on the outside. I can't say/do anymore to show my satifaction.

 

the comment on gay...look back on this post of mine. I discussed the issue at hand there. Long story, short, I'm 90% sure that's not it. 98%.

 

The lingerie thing: I've done it and gotten absolutely NO response...only once, it was a gift from him for xmas, never was used again. I've ended up sleeping in any of it adn that's it. But on the other hand, he points out stuff in the stores and comments that I should buy something--but then I think, "why?" it didn't work before. He's into the more "sexy" then "feminine" if you get my drift. Fine with me on that...but the moments don't seem to "arise" too often, so it's hard to plan.

 

you know, this is something i may just not get, but H20 turns him on...mornings are an absolute "no", nights he seems tired, unless we're out and about in the apartment and HE'S in the mood. I guess I'm just still confused. I'm happy when it does happen, but at the same time, it's on his call. Not that I'm "settling" but, I'm almost to the point of being okay with it if it doesn't happen unless he initiates. So, in a way, it's okay, but you'd think that he'd like it if I encouraged it. Maybe I can figure out a different approach, for when I'm in need. The damn kid is just tired all of hte time!!!!! Any ideas????

[Kary]

the weight could be an issue. I lost my job due to a perm. layoff last may...then he lost his because of a wrongful termination after he injured himself on the job. He's going through a lawsuit right now. We've both gained weight...he's more noticeable. I think this may be some of it...but I wonder if he just doesn't hvae the drive. Maybe it's because he's not been in such a long relationship before..only very very short-lived ones? and now that it's getting serious, for some reason, in his brain--the sexual part is gettign less and less. I don't know. It may be partially the weight...i try to get him to eat healthy with me a take walks with the dog, but he can't stick to a regiment like that....