Getting back with my ex-finacee/girlfriend

[kain2k]

Ok, so I was 22 she 17, we met at work (a pizza place), flirted a little, went our separate ways for awhile. We kissed twice during the summer, then didnt see each other again until Nov 2, 2001. We dated for a couple months then she moved in with me. 3 days later we found out she was pregnate with our fiirst child. She had just turned 18.

I love her with everything in my soul, and its difficult to even write this as I'm forced with the realization that we're so far apart now. But yeah, shes bi-polar/borderline, and was molested as a young teen by her stepfather and brothers. We had some of these most wonderful times together, but I couldnt trust her, because she cheated on me several times. So I played the controlling/jealous boyfriend alot. We had a second daughter just a year after our first, and things were looking good for the future. So I finally purposed on sweetest day, we were to be married july 25 of this year. But, this last March my mom(who she was close to) commited sucide the day after the two of them had a fight (she was schzophrenic).

So shes promises she will never leave me, and I beg her not too. 2 and a half weeks later we get in a fight. Stupid stuff, I wanted help cleaning and she was tired. She lied to me about going out for coffee, dressed up like a whore and went to a club. I caught her. Then of course I said something about her and my moms fight, and that was that.

In a couple days she slept with a 35 year old guy(shes 20 now, im 25) who she now lives with and like 6 other people in a junky run down flop house. But for like 3 weeks she'd come over, spend the night, we'd make love, and things looked like they might work out.

Well they didnt, we got in another couple fights, and Childerns Services took our kids, and said they wouldnt give them back if we were together.

Which i think is BS, because if we just worked out our problems they wouldnt have a choice.

But since the kids have been gone things have changed. She now works for an escort service, and has gotten all wrapped up in her new scene. She still comes over, and calls, but doesnt want to talk about us a t all. In fact she gets really pissed anytime I do. We usally kiss a couple times while shes here, but just a peck or so. She gets pretty bored and uncomfortable sometimes while shes here and I just started working again so I havent had the money to take her out.

I lost a huge part of who I am when she left, I tell her stuff like that all the time, I've been going to consuling and doing open mic nights, which she usally goes to, but nothing is working. She still cuddles with me once in while, but wont sleep with me and defintaly doesnt talk about coming home. She lies about what shes doing and to her new boyfriend about me and coming over.

All in all, I miss her so much. I'm hurting just watching her screw up her life and future, and I dont know what to do to get her back. She still says she loves me, and I tell her I love her too. We do the I love you thing, but she wont usally say it in front of her boyfriend, and says I love you to her boyfriend even when I'm around. I'm lost. I tried not talking to her, screened my calls, didnt call her back., over memorial day weekend, but that didnt work. It didnt feel right. We broken up before but never this long. I'm scared. Despite all thats happened, I know shes the one for me, and I for her. I dont know what else to do. i've been trying to date again, not telling her of course, although she says she wants me to. But, I dont feel right leading these girls on, when I know if she said she wanted to get back together I'd drop them in a second.

This is a really long post so I stop rambling. I've already been told by all my friends and family to let her go, but thats not what I willing to do. I want my baby back, I want kids back, and I want my family back. My life back. So if anyone has some advice for a relationship that is in desperate need of a miracle please dont hold back. I've always believed that anything can be accomplished with love, I know its dangerous but in many ways i do need her. What do I do?

[DiglyD]

Kain2k,

 

From your story it seems that your ex had to grow up really really fast. She went from being a kid working at a pizza place to being a mom, and having some of the biggest responsibilites a woman can have. Your ex, and I am sure its not easy to hear this, has serious issues, from her past, the life she is living and the choices or circumastances that she ended up in.

 

Its crazy and weird at the same time to me but it seems that every girl I run into these days has been molested by her fater/stepfahter/stepbrother or whatever. They all, it seems have psychological scars which might never heal. These type of girls usually cannot understand the value of a good man or a good realtionship. They are hurting, they look for father figures, and a means to heal. WHen they find a decent guy, they have no idea what to do with him. All they know is the crap that they experienced, and this is what they flock to. This is probably why your girl cheated on you or went behind your back. You cannot provide what she subconsciously seeks. A woman from such a background looks at a decent relationships and thinks that something is wrong becasue it does not follow the patters that she learned as a child.

 

These are all patterns.

 

The only thing you can do now, if you want your girl to return, is to cut her off completely. You have to cut the cord that still ties you 2 together. Do not cuddle with her, do not pay her any attention if she comes to open mic, do not see her, do not talk to her. Just tell her that yu are letting her go and that you wish her the best, you love her, and that you are supporting her decision to leave.

 

The only thing that can bring this woman back is "Experience". Life must teach her right from wrong. THis girl has "issues" which you will never be able to heal no matter how much you think you can. She is and was damaged goods. There is a chance that she will never learn anything, and is doomed to suffer and fall. It might be cruel to hear this but some people just never realize the potential in their existence. They react, and they run whenever life challenges them, this is all they know.

 

Dude, she works as an escort, lives in some dump, sleeps with some 35 year old and you think this woman is the love of your life?

 

Don't get me wrong....I understand you. I lost the woman I thought I was going to marry and to this day 8 months after she walked out of my life it still hurts like hell. No matter what I do I can't forget her, and part of me still believes in hope. But another part of me is slowly realizing that she was not my destiny, at least not right now. She was the right person but this is the WRONG time. your situation is very similar. She is just not ready to have the type of life that you want her to live, despite the fact that you have kids. She never grew up. She is now catching up, and there is nothing you can do to make her realize that this mignt be wrong. In her mind, this "feels" right. No amount of your effort will change her mind. This is what she never had becasue you got her pregnant. She is living life, and she now has "freedom" something that she couldn't have because she had kids.

 

Right now you have no closure. You are in what is called a satellite relationship. She is around you, orbiting around your head but she will never come closer. YOu are still providing a piece that she is lacking in her new life. She is like a girl inside a Glass jar that you cannot open and have. By kissing her, by seeing her you are filling some void in her heart, and giving her something she needs. She on the other hand is intoxicating to you and preventing you from living. Right now there is no reason for her to consider you because she has what she thinks she needs. All you are doing is ruining your life. Everytime you talk to her, see her, and touch her you essentially start over. Its like you are in the AA 12 step program, and every time you go home you have a bottle of vodka. You're going nowehre with your life. Time, which is so precious is passing you by and are trapped living in the past. She has moved on apparently and made drastic changes in her life and you have not. You must cut her off, this is your only salvation for a future, and when you do you will slowly start to realize that she is not the soulmate that you think she is now. Space will make you heal, and allow you to see her in a new light. Space will also make her see you in a new light. Once you no longer provide what she needs she will miss you, and she will reflect. Right now she isn't reflecting she is living and right now you aren't living either...you can't. Exiting from her life will make you realize where she falls into your life. Maybe she is the one, maybe she will come back....If she is, completely letting her go and focusing on yourself will give you the best possibility of her coming back. Right now, she has what she wants, and she still has you. You are a wreck, and she knows this. You are the backup plan, you are the anchor that she is still attached to. If something goes wrong in her life she could show up on your door and you would welcome her back with open arms. She knows this. She is expecting it.

 

Let her go man. Let her go so that she feels alone and deserted. Only this will make her reflect on her actions and her choices. Let her realize the "value" of what she gave up. Let this distance also be a time for you to learn to be a better man, a better father, and even a better husband to be. Learn to control your anger, learn to control your jelaousy, learn to think with your mind and not your heart. Learn to be more supportive, and buld a future for yourself. Build up your self worth. You jsut got a job, keep working at it and become more.

 

Give some time to yourself to heal, and really figure out what you want out of life. Right now you are thinking with your heart, and your mind is not clear.

 

I understand that you want your family back, but also understand that what you are doing now is doing nothing except pushing her farther back from you. Cut the cord. Become a man, and a father. As you have said you have lost a huge part of yourself when she left. SHe knows this and can feel it. In her eyes you are weak. Become strong. Learn to live without her. Learn to live in such a way where you can CHOOSE to be with her but you DON'T need her to make your life complete. When you accomplish this she will see it. By that time "life" might also teach her a thing or 2 about what is right and wrong and she might jsut reconsider her position as a mother and as your girl. By then also you will be in a position in your life where you will be able to make a clear decision whether you even want to go back to someone who has so much baggage. By then you might find a woman that will make you shine.

 

If you want your life back you need to create a new life. Understand that your OLD LIFE is OVER!. The only thing you can do now is build a new life on the ashes of the old one, learn from all the mistakes you have both made and grow. Become the best GUY you can be, and show your ex what she has lost. Be there for her as a father, be there for your kids, but let her know that you will not be there any longer as her emotional anchor, her boyfriend or her support. Cut her off in that respect. This is your only chance of putting your life together. She has to grow and learn, and you must use this time to really ask yourself whether you can forgive her, and forget what she did. If you were ever to take her back and you brought this up or if it was eating at you then whatever you start will fall apart.

 

This is not going to be easy. Love can win her back but only if you take a step back, let her fly away, and also overcome any insecurities, or faults that will mess up any future with her. In all honesty it might be easier just to let her go. Your kids will still be there, and there are many wonderful women out there. It depends on you whether you want to fight for her. Right now she is a lost little bird who just started to fly. You can't force her back to you no matter what you do. All you can do is let her live her own life, and know that you gave it your best shot , the best you could have at tha tpoint in your life. Now grow, and learn what you can do better if a second chances crosses your way, or a new opportunity appears on the horizon.

[kain2k]

I'm 25 years old, its been a rough 25 too. Ironicly, she just called and we talked about things. She wants to sign off on the kids and move down to florida in a couple months and do some porn mag. Shes givin up all hope, and I really think thats why she hasnt come back. She doesnt think Ill ever change, she doesnt think she'll get our kids back, and more importantly she doesnt think I'll get them back if she comes home. I talk to her tonight and she started crying, I told her the reason I fell for her, the reason I stayed with her, why I am still fighting to be with her, and why I think I controlled her so much. She said she cant forgive me though, I dont know about that one, kinda sounded like BS when she said it. But she heard me, I know she did cause she was balling, of course then she let me go. Too much reality I suppose. But I know as I've told her all the long we can do this. And the thing is, I cant stop talking to her, I cant cut her off. If she was a drink, I'd be the worst alcholic, but shes not. Shes the my girl, even now. I promised her I would never turn my back on her, and I wont. I really appericate what you said, but thats the one thing I wont do. So whats the other way??????? I gotta believe that love will win out in the end. Granted I dont chase her, I let her run. I just hope at some point she'll see clearly. In the mean time, like I said consuling, career hunting, exercise (starting to buff out again too ), but yeah.. I've never loved someone so strongly, as a boyfriend, as a friend, as a father, and even as a son, all to this one person. It dont feel right to turn my back on her, so I dont. I just dont know what else to do.

[kain2k]

One more thought, maybe the reason I havent let go of her. Your right, this girl has serious issues, she's sick. And thats the thing, I still feel there is something to "for better or worse, sickness and in health". I guess I want to her to look back and say "how hes been there all the long" ya know? The one guy who never turned his back on her, despite all she does. I really love her, unconditionally. I've never been so in love with someone. Ya know.

 

So what can I do, in this situtation to bring her back without turning my back on her? Please any help would be appericated,