Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

[whiskerbiscuit]

Ok, so I kind of need to have a little rant and get all this off my chest, any advice or comments will be appreciated.

 

So. Me and my girlfriend have been living together for a year now, and although its mostly been really good, there are a number of issues that I cant ignore anymore.

 

So firstly, my girlfriend has a drinking problem. She can go a week or two without drinking anything, but then when she drinks she HAS to get stupidly drunk. So every week shes uncontrollably drunk and this causes problems. Shes cheated on me at least once (that I know about). Last week I found her asleep in the middle of the road, and had to call an ambulance to get her stomach pumped. One time she smashed every plate we had in the house for no reason. If its not something like that then shes trying to talk to other men on the internet, or screaming at me and telling me we should break up, or some bollocks like that. I dont think I need to go on.

 

Anyway, the next morning its always the same story, shes hungover and apologetic, saying she'll never hurt me again and THIS TIME is the last time and so on and so forth, and how she needs me and how I should help her try and change because she knows she has a problem.

 

But the thing is, everytime shes had one drink, even just one little beer, she cannot stop. She'll drink anything alcoholic just to carry on her buzz. If we're out with friends or family or whatever and shes clearly drunk, I try to say to her to calm down, maybe get a non alcoholic drink next or whatever, but the only response I get is anger.

 

She works really hard, and she says she needs to drink to release stress. When I try to stop her drinking she accuses me of being controlling, or that I never let her have any fun. She's a totally different person when shes had a drink, and reacts to me only with indifference or anger. I cant do or say anything to stop her, I just have to be there to make sure she dosent get in too much trouble and clean up the pieces the morning after.

 

Anyway, I keep saying to her if she dosent stop I'm going to leave her, and I really mean it, because I refuse to spend my life looking after an alcoholic. However, my words are starting to wear a bit thin. She was arrested and spent the night in a police cell, and I didnt leave her. She had sex with another man, and I STILL didnt leave. She cant really do anything worse than that to me, you know? So what am I waiting for?

 

Last night she got drunk again, not a crazy amount but enough to embarrass me and herself in front of our friends...I dont know but maybe its the straw that broke the camels back, I've heard the words "I'm sorry" and "I'll never do it again" one thousand times and nothing ever changes, and now I'm really fed up. Trouble is, I really love this girl, I love her so much, I cant bring myself to actually pack my bags and leave, even though I know its the right thing to do.

 

Trouble is, shes done all this bull * * * * against me and I've just forgiven her over and over again, she KNOWS now that she can do what she wants and I'll eventually come around and forgive her again. She learns nothing from her mistakes and makes not much effort to change. Her usual argument is "Oh well I was much worse before you and I were a couple, you should be happy"....but thats not * * * * ing good enough, right? I'm supposed to be happy she only cheated on me once when she cheated on her old boyfriend a hundred times? No. * * * * that. I dont have much dignity left but I'm not going to spend my life being her damn pet- there when she needs me, forgotten when she dosent.

 

But argh! Like I said I love her, really I do, and I know she loves me. When she isnt drunk shes perfect for me; we have the same sense of humour, we get on like a house on fire, its all great. But I know in a week or two its all going to change, even though its just for a night.

 

So, do I just take the plunge and leave, or do I stay and help her with her problems?

Additional information, because its not complicated enough yet:

Shes 26, I'm 21. She wants kids, and a marriage. I don't, not at my age, and not in our current situation. So thats another thing to consider.

I'm also currently out of work, and she is the main provider for us, and she works really long hours at a hard job. She feels like all the pressure is on her, and so she drinks to let off steam, if you know what I mean.

 

Wow, this has gotten pretty long....But I needed to get that out. Any comments will be appreciated, I really feel lost. I know I should leave her, but I love her too much. I dont know what to do.

[IvantheAvg]

Alcoholic+ you only 21+ she wants kids and marriage= leave. "Love" is NOT enough to make a relationship work.

[mca1975]

The cold hard facts about this is that no matter how much you love her, she will carry on doing what she is doing, because you are letting her get away with it, you are enabling her by staying. Because you have said you would leave many times, and don't, she will carry on and on and on.

 

She needs to be thrown in the deep end as it were and left, only then can she rebuild her life and get help. You cannot do it for her and it's not your job to do that for someone no matter how much you love them. You deserve to be happy too.

 

Of course you will miss her like crazy! For the good bits, but if the bad bits are outweighing the good bits, then why should you stay. You have tried your best already and its now affecting you. It's not fair. You don't have a duty to stay and help her, while that leaves you unhappy. Be brave and make the break and mean it. After the initial pain and sadness, you will most probably feel utter relief.

 

The most important decisions we make in life will be the hardest ones to perform. It's so much easier for you to stay isn't it.

[whiskerbiscuit]

Bah. I know its not easy. She'll be worse without me though, I know that. She even said she's kill herself if I left, which sounds like blackmail to me.

God this is gonna be hard. Any more advice? How to leave for good?

[IvantheAvg]

She even said she's kill herself if I left,

 

This is an incredibley selfish thing to say.

 

Just leave bro. No drama, no 45 page letter, no teary eyed closure....just get out! Be a man. She'll be ok.

[mca1975]

Well that's another thing. People who say their going to kill themselves? Thats putting you over a barrell and making you feel even more responsible for her, responsible for her life even? Which you are not!

 

Look its going to be really hard yes, you will feel guilty for hurting her, but in the end, you would actually be helping her, because when she is in deep and drowning, she will have to swim. Sadly, if she doesn't, then thats her choice.

 

Can you really see this ending? Can you really say that you want to be with this girl forever and feel like this? You already know your answer. People who say they will kill themselves very rarely do you know.

 

You got friends and family haven't you, who will help and support you?

[whiskerbiscuit]

Yeah. Its gonna be tough cos I'm gonna need someone to help me get all my stuff out of here, but my familys good, they'll be there for me.

There was a time when I could easily have spent my whole life with her, but now, it dosent seem like such a good idea. I've never forgiven her for cheating on me, never. Thats when it all went downhill.