Confused - mixed messages - any advice welcome!

[watchingstorms]

I originally posted this in the healing forum but think it may be more appropriate here, apologies if you’ve read before….

 

Ex left 4.5 months ago, 10 year relationship, almost changed his mind in January but then emailed me to say we would never get back together - ever! I moved out of the house we shared 5 weeks ago so that he could move back in ‘and get on with his life’. Our contact has been minimal and only really to discuss practical matters.

 

OK - here goes....

 

It was his birthday last week and I sent him a card and a present (tickets for a concert we had planned to go to together). His response was very warm and he thanked me (via text) he also asked if he could come and visit my Mother, which is a bit strange as he was never that close to her, but still I agreed, he asked if I could be there when he came, again I agreed. He changed the arrangement from Saturday to Sunday, then on Sunday he changed the time he was coming 3 times, on the third time I told him to forget the visit suggesting we arrange at some other time. I ignored the text and phone call that followed. I sent him a text the next day enquiring about financial arrangements he is supposed to be sorting relating to our break up. He said he would be going to the bank Wednesday and again asked if he could call and see my Mum, I suggested he contact her direct to arrange, which he did.

 

So..... Wednesday I come home from work, he has been to visit my Mum (I moved in with her when I left our house, as I had nowhere else to live). He has brought chocolates and flowers for my Mum and for me he left chocolates and a home made double CD of all the significant songs from our relationship (he never made me a CD in the whole time we were together!) Inside the CD was a note that said I was the best person he ever met and loved, he hoped we would always be best friends and that he would always love me???? This guy has all but ignored me for the last 4 months, having left without giving me any reason for leaving and point blank refusing to talk to me. He then emailed me this afternoon to say that things were not so straight forward at the bank and he will need more time to organise the arrangement.

 

I asked him to email me his suggestions for sorting out finances and he said he wanted to speak to me face to face. We agreed to meet on Sunday then he asks if he can take me out to Dinner, then suggests he takes me to our favourite restaurant?!?!?

 

Any thoughts??

 

1. Do you think there is a chance he wants to get back together

 

or

 

2. Is he trying to soften the blow and give me bad news (new relationship / cant raise enough cash etc....)

 

How do I play this? How should I be with him?

 

Anyone been in a similar position? Or any thoughts in general?

 

Thanks!

[ccabalka0229]

Good news! He wouldn't be trying to soften the blow of not being able to get money to you and/or the break up by taking you out to dinner/making you a cd/chocolates! Bad news, until you ask him you'll never know, unless he volunteers the information. So go to dinner with him, if it feels right, ask him strait forward why he's been doing this. If he says he wants to be friends, if you can and want to, do it... if you're heart can't do that then tell him that! good luck!

[watchingstorms]

Thanks for taking the time to respond, I am so confused!!! I can't help but think he's up to something, this is such a u-turn. I'm not even sure if I want to see him, never mind consider friendship - or (dare I let myself think) getting back together!

 

Why do things have to be so complicated?

[Ms Darcy]

You were in a relationship for 10 years. Were you married?

[watchingstorms]

No, we lived together for 9 years but never married, not really something that we considered.

[Ms Darcy]

Did he want to make any sort of commitment to you?

[watchingstorms]

Gosh, that's quite difficult to answer. We did talk about marriage during our first 2 / 3 years together but we both agreed we weren't the marrying type. Both our parents had dreadful relationship / divorce experiences, maybe that had something to do with it? Does it make a difference that all of our close friends are in long term but not married relationships as well?

[Ms Darcy]

Gosh, that's quite difficult to answer. We did talk about marriage during our first 2 / 3 years together but we both agreed we weren't the marrying type. Both our parents had dreadful relationship / divorce experiences, maybe that had something to do with it? Does it make a difference that all of our close friends are in long term but not married relationships as well?

 

Well, it will be interesting to hear what he says at dinner. I personally tend to think a relationship can grow stagnate if some sort of commitment is not made after so many years together. Then it is easier to leave. Now, a 'commitment' does not always mean marriage.