His Mother

[sherryberrypie]

My boyfriend dreads calling his mother because of the way she talks to him. She is always guilt tripping him or making little threats, and it's gotten to the point where he just doesn't pick up the phone when she calls. This is resulting in some really rude messages from her on our answering machine, and I'm getting dragged into the mess. I can understand where they are both coming from.

 

She is narcissistic, thinks the world revolves around her, and while he has said that he does love her, he doesn't like her. I can tell that she is hurt that he doesn't want to call her and as a woman, I can sort of understand how I would feel if my kids didn't want to communicate with me (though I am not yet a mother.) I asked him to just call her and explain how she makes him feel. He said he's done it before and she just cries and gets angry. She just doesn't listen.

 

She acts like it's my responsibility to get him to call her, so I'm looking like a bad guy too, even though I just want to keep my nose out of it, I can never seem to because I always get dragged in. Her last message addressed both of us "surely ONE of you guys can call me back... etc..." I try to get him to call her, and he just gets so sad and so frustrated that I eventually give up. Another message from her was "I know YOU don't have my email address, but I'm sure that Sherry does." That was awkward.

 

I wish he realized that he only gets one mom, even if she's not his favourite person, I think she'd be acting out a lot less if he would make a regular effort to stay in touch. I would call her, but I don't feel comfortable doing so, and I think her son should be the one to contact her, not his girlfriend.

 

I'm really fighting the temptation to write a long letter to her, explaining how their relationship is going to become damaged beyond repair if this game between them carries on. She thinks of me as a daughter, but I just don't know if I would be stepping on any toes. It's hard when I'm right in the middle, but not sure what my boundaries are. I need some advice.

 

I just really want to help them fix their relationship. I want my boyfriend to see that avoiding her and basically ignoring her is causing her to lash out and grow more and more insecure, and I want her to see that she isn't communicating effectively with him, and that the tighter she holds on to him, the more he tries to pull away. It gets tougher, because her younger son is in the military and his situation is up in the air. They are getting deployed soon for an unknown amount of time to an unknown place (info has not been released to families) I do understand that obviously that plays a huge role in this whole thing.

 

I want the nasty phone messages to stop, the blackmailing attitude about our future to stop (when you guys buy a house, you had better get one with an in-law suite because I'm moving in when you have kids, etc.. etc...)-- She's dead serious too. I've just had enough and I think those two need an intervention. But, do I have any business trying?

[Miss Firecracker]

I think you should stay completely out of their deal. If she's already hinting at moving in, he may be doing you a favor by cutting those apron strings.

[sherryberrypie]

I'm sorry, but I had to laugh at that lol. Whenever either of his parents mention living with us at any point, I get cold chills Man I love my Mom!

[Miss Firecracker]

Yeah, I got chills reading your post too.

 

Been there myself. Just told my husband yesterday maybe he should call his mommy. And I am 51, so that's why I suggested you may want to try another plan. lol

[Capricorn3]

I agree with Miss Firecracker that you should stay out of it. I understand it must be incredibly frustrating being caught in the middle, but it is her son's duty/responsibility to contact his own mother, and if he chooses not to, then it's best you stay out of it too. I feel if you did try to make peace in whatever way, should things not turn out as expected, then they'll always blame you for interering and "breaking up the family", so to speak.

 

Basically, choose your battles wisely.

[eggplant47]

Since she mentioned it, what about giving e-mail a try?

 

My mom is exactly the same way. She once told me that I had a 2 hr. time limit to return her calls... I was 28 & living in my own house. I have found text messaging and e-mailing a faaaar more effective way of dealing with her. She feels acknowledged & I don't get drawn in to any crazy conversations.

 

In fact, you could start by sending her a short e-mail saying hi & letting her know that you've added her e-mail address to hubby's contact list

[3boys]

Man, I thank god that my MIL is NOT like this. My best friend, however, has been married twice and BOTH of her MILs have been NIGHTMARES!!!

 

I agree with the email idea. Just email her and tell her you both have been really busy or something and haven't had the time to call until it's really late, but you're thinking about her. If you could do this really late at night, it would be even more believable

 

Unfortunately, from my best friend's experience, I don't think keeping in touch with her more often would help. It might even make her WORSE. Her current husband's mother expects everyone to drop everything and be at her beck and call 24/7 and the more he allows her to run their lives, the worse it gets. It has caused problems in my BF's marriage because her hubby won't stand up for her when she refuses to kiss her MIL's fat behind to the point that she and the MIL got into a shouting match in a restaurant when they tried to "work it out." (the MIL started it and my BF ended up walking out...hubby and the MIL finished their dinner while my BF stood outside talking to me on the phone)

[sherryberrypie]

Scary stories!!

 

I guess I'll just continue to keep my nose out of it. Eventually it'll come to a head and it's not going to be pretty... ugh.

[turnera]

Prepare a stock answer to give her if you ever have to talk to her, like 'Mrs. B, you know I love you, but I have to step back and let you and Mr. sherryberrypie work out your own issues. I know you'll understand.' and then hang up.