The man's perspective...please

[onetallulah]

I would love some advice/perspective from the men of this forum (women please feel free to add if you've been through the same thing).

 

I recently broke it off with a man I had been dating for 10 months. The reason: insensitivity. What I would like to hear from the men is if you think I overreacted, or am I right for what I did.

 

Our time together was fantastic, we were truly equals in regards to all our desires. But life throws us curveballs and when the sh*t hits the fan, that is the time we see if our partners are really there for us. I'm giving you a brief summary of the events of our relationship--

 

For six months, everything was perfect--we went from dating to serious slowly, he being the one that wanted to be exclusive and share more of our lives together. I was happy and willingly embraced that.

 

I then went through some very traumatic health experiences (diagnosed with a tumor, possibly cancer). He barely reacted to it--while my friends offered to take me to the hospitals and be there to support me, he left me to do it all alone. Never expressed concern more than 'how's it going?'.

I never expressed how terrified I was regarding my health, just tried to be strong and do it alone.

 

Only after I broke up with him did I tell him how I felt so alone, and his response was that he's sorry I'm hurt, but he didn't react at all to my trauma and his not being there for me.

 

This is the question: if you really care for someone (he says he does), how can you just sit back while someone goes through something so traumatic and not be there?

 

Even after the breakup he still wants to be friends. He doesn't want to lose me as a girlfriend, but I can't be with someone that is so emotionally void.

[Rage]

I don't blame you atall, i think you definitely did the write thing.

 

I know if the person i cared for was in that situation i would be there no matter what, she is more important than anything else to me...

 

I hope you ar in good health now ,

 

Rage.

[Nifty_Swifty1]

Some people deal with situations where they feel helpless by not dealing with them at all. If he felt like there was nothing he could really do, witch I'm sure he did, he may have dealt with his insecurities in this very manor. I can't really see how anyone can act like that, but I do know that it happens. People very close to me have reacted the same way to some of the things I have gone through.

[RayKay]

Well, I am a woman but I think I might be able to relate somewhat to the story, though the insensitivity is not directly from a partner - but I might be able to give SOME insight anyway.

 

I was in a serious relationship with someone for 5 years. In June of 2002 (almost 2 years ago now) he died of a massive cerebral hemorrhage after 5 days in a coma - at the age of 25. Obviously, it was a horrible experience for me - not only the loss of my partner, but the loss of my planned future. And many of my friends, mostly are joint friends, could not cope with it. What seemed to be insensitivity on their part was just not knowing what to do, or what to say, or how to help. I lost some friendships because it was too hard for them to see me without him, and while it might seem insensitive, I kind of could understand.

 

I think your ex just did NOT know how to handle what he was feeling. I am going to take a guess that he was likely very scared too, but did not want to seem weak. I just don't think he would of known what to do, or how to deal with it. Sometimes if people "avoid" things, it is easier to think they are not happening. Maybe he was afraid if he broke down in front of you, he was not being supportive for you. While I did not talk too much of my deceased partner with my recent ex, I knew that even if I did he would have a hard time knowing what to say since he could sympathize, but not empathize as he had never been through anything like that. I did not think of it as being insensitive though, just not having any experience with it.

 

I cannot say if you did the right thing or not - honestly I think sometimes there are no right things either - sometimes we try to justify it as the right thing (which is what my ex is doing!) when it really isn't....if you feel that things can work out between you two, then keep the lines of communication open and best of luck. If not, maybe you did make the right choice. Just keep in mind, that sometimes those that seem emotionally void are actually hurting and feeling far more than they let on - they are just very good at hiding it out of fear of being hurt, or rejection, etc.

[a_little_sparrow]

lulah,

 

I don't think you overreacted at all. I agree with raykay, that there are people who don't really know how to deal with things, or are afraid that dealing with it would actually cause more harm. Perhaps in the most forgiving light, I would say he didn't want to talk with you about it because he was afraid it would just make you think and stress about it more.

 

The only other thing I can think of is that he didn't feel as though your relationship was at that level where he should be your primary support. Six months is kind of an awkward time where you're definitely starting to settle into what will hopefully be the long term of a relationship. But then maybe he thought you would be more comfortable going through this trauma with these other friends of yours.

 

What troubles me most is that even after being confronted about it, he didn't explain why he wasn't there for you. I can definitely understand why you would want some space from him, just to sort through it for yourself. As everyone here so far has said, I hope you're not having to process this at the same time as you're having to deal with this health problem.

 

Overall, though, I'd say you did the right thing. Not that I believe a breakup should be used as some sort of emotional hammer. But this obviously affected you, and your view of him, extremely. And if you feel you need someone who is more emotionally available, you've let him know. I agree with raykay that he may just be hiding his own hurt. Perhaps by talking with him more you can determine if that's the case, and if it is how you can get him to trust you with these emotions. If it's not the case, then you've tried what you can.