Stupidly struggling to get over :(

[IGC89]

Hello!

 

I signed up here aaaaages ago! But I didn't really need to use it until today, simply because it's getting to the point of driving me insane.

 

Basically, I miss someone. I shouldn't be, I should be steaming angry, but I miss her.

 

Here we go. I met this girl online late 2008. We hit it off brilliantly in a chat room before talking more privately. It began just as friends, as she was in a long-term relationship with someone, but she ended up using me as a leaning post as that relationship broke down.

 

Slowly but surely we got closer and closer, to the point where we were having those chats about being together (I point out she was registered at university in London, but was a distance student in Spain at the time with her other half, and had no way of getting back)

 

Eventually she broe up with him, though my attentions were turned to someone else because I thought I had no chance. Fast forward a month and that disintegrated, and we got closer again.

 

The period in the run up to Xmas 2008 was a dream, I cannot tell you how close we got ( welling up, so pathetic) and then as Xmas hit, she moved away to Germany/Switzerland with her ex, as he worked there, which meant I didn't hear from her for about 6 weeks.

 

Late January 2009 and she's back in my life, this time I hear her voice for the first time, coupled with many pictures, I'm fully convinced with who she is, and that she's the real deal.

 

After another six week absence she's back on mic again, for the last time this time, and things are close between us.

 

Last April I sent her a birthday message, and she replied saying she 'adored' me (I still have that, and her other messages, along with our MSN conversations, maybe not a good idea)

 

Around that time she told me she had applied for a job at a university near to where I live (she was so intelligent, and she was 24, I was 19 (now 20) and if she'd got it that would have been a dream.

 

In mid-April I was talking to her when just like that, she goes offline, I don't really put it down to much, but that was the last time I had any contact with her.

 

I managed to put her to the back of my mind (not forget, that'd be lying) and she really hasn't been in my thoughts too much. Mainly when my birthday came around, and christmas too. I sent her e-mails to her adresses, but no response, so I knew the fate of this.

 

Anyway, I have been doing fine until the last week or so, because Sunday was her birthday. So (stupidly) I sent her an e-mail, but both e-mail addresses I sent them to bounced back to me, clearly the accounts have been closed/inactive.

 

Now, reading this (if you've bothered, thanks if you have) you might find this a bit pathetic. Indeed, I didn't even know her surname (she wouldn't tell me) and the long absences, coupled with her having to travel europe with her ex, weren't entierly warming to me.

 

Maybe i've got a bit of the rose-tinted specs on, but I miss her so, so much it's unreal. No-one ever made me feel how she (or whoever) did.

 

Last night it climaxed, because I dreamt about her, and woke up this morning knowing I needed advice. I know this was really a distorted fantasy, I know and always knew this wasn't really gonna happen.

 

I think it's the way it happened is getting to me. I just want closure, even an e-mail saying 'F*ck off don't contact me again' would have sufficed, just something to let me know she was Ok and acknowledged my existence.

 

How do I forget this? I'm a 20 year old guy with tears rolling down my face after writing this. I miss someone I haven't spoken to in a year, it's all very pathetic, I just want to move on

 

Thank you

 

EDIT: I'm slowly taking steps to help this process, which I forgot to mention. I (finally) deleted her from my MSN contacts list, and just before I wrote this I deleted the pictures she sent me from my computer. However, the e-mails she sent me still remain, as do the MSN conversations... I don't know If I can delete those though, they're harder than the pictures)

[sidehop]

She reminds me of my ex that bounced back on her own terms playing the psychological and emotional games. It's not a healthy relationship by any means, I'm sure she will contact you again and you'll feel that butterfly in your stomach but to be honest she doesn't sound emotionally stable to give you any sort of long term happiness. I don't know anyone that abruptly disconnects a conversation and disappear.

[IGC89]

She won't ever be back, I know this, and it's what is the worst thing for me. It's nearly a year (on 23rd April) Since we last spoke. No-one comes back after that long.

 

In reality, I gave up after my birthday last Oct, because if she wasn't going to contact then, she never would have.

 

I just want to know what she's doing, where she is, how she is and how happy she is, I really don't care about anything else between us, that's what gets me.