Ok.. Just thinking out loud

[rotty]

thats it man, look after your self, by the sounds of the msges she's been sending you there's definetly something there, just keep it cool and casual and let her expeirance what ever it is out there she's after, im sure it wont be long until she comes back to you man

[craigblitz]

Thanks rotty, but it feels good to be at the point where I don't need her to come back you know. It took 5 weeks to get here but I am here. Do I still hope she does, of course I do but we will see. She just sent me a text wished me a Happy Fathers Day!!! and said good night, she worked nights. I replied back thank you and sleep well hugs. Everyone have a great Sunday and fathers day be good to one another and keep healing.

[craigblitz]

Not much is going on as far as updates. Saturday I told her I was driving through and she asked if I would like to stop and get dinner I said sure. As I was driving she called and had to cancel. She didn't know her Nana was cooking and they had a cake for her mom and said she was just going to chill there. I was a little sad, but not to bad. She 10 minutes later text me and asked if I was upset, I text back and said not at all family thing is important have good time. She then wrote back thank you for being soo understanding about it, I wrote back and laughed and said for real no biggie tell everyone I said hi and she said she already did before I did.

 

Yesterday morning I sent her a text message because I heard her softball team lost 30-2 and I was joking with her, and I recommended that she goes and sees Shrek 2. She replied back I would love to go see it but have nobody to go with. Have a great day!!! I wanted to call her and tell her everything will be ok, or ask her to see it, but then realized it is not my job anymore to fix her problems. Maybe inside she wants to know where I am at with her. Who knows.

 

So I think I am going to go NC for a while and not see her this weekend even if she asks, maybe she needs to really miss me and if nothing else I will be making sure that I am not being dragged along you know.

[Mun]

I don't know, and I may be way off here, but it almost looks like you are using NC to absolutely win her back. That's not the way it's supposed to go.

 

You two are behaving like bf/gf... do you see it? I think you're in a great place to just keep going. Why take two steps back? Keep treating her the way you have. It doesn't look like she is mistreating you or ignoring you. Don't you like the way things have been going? You can't force her to go back with you by using NC (it's not punishment). NC was about you getting yourself back and you have . If she was behaving in an uncaring way or not even acknowledging you that would be another story. Judge how you feel and go with that feeling.

 

From over here it looks like you two are working this out and are dating again. Don't limit yourself to only dating her, at least not for now. She is still working through her issues, you should be too. I still think that somewhere down the road you can talk about being a couple again, but for now just have fun.

 

Really try to see this as a new beginning, that's the best way you can give this another chance.

 

 

You seem to be in a good place emotionally now. That's great !

[craigblitz]

Trust me I am not NC to win her back, I totally see how you would think that from the last message I wrote. I do like seeing her and the small talks but there is still a piece of saying Craig you are being her saftey blanket, does that make sense. I am not seeing her this weekend because I have dates on Friday and Saturday and I am not going to break them. Also part of me is like why look back and talk about what was when I should be moving ahead and saying what can be.

 

As strange as this sounds, and as confusing it is to me I am wondering if I even want her back if I could have her. I do love her, but I feel betrayed and will I trust her again, etc etc..... So I am doing it to clear my head a little too.

 

As always..... thank you so much for your opinion. You have helped me in soo many ways....

[craigblitz]

she has text me 2 times today no reason, basically just to say she hates her job and tells me to have a good day... Lol Text sucks if you have something to say call me....lol Ok done venting

[shockeddismayed]

Hey Craig,

 

Thought I would check back in. It does seem like things are going fairly well for you.

 

Muneca gave some good advice, that perhaps you didn't interpret... I could be wrong but I think she is saying that you shouldn't do NC b/c your progress is TOO good to stop.

 

However i see your point too... you are trying to keep your own headspace. I appreciate that.

 

Once you get into this limbo land where you might be getting back together it is EXTREMELY difficult to see things with any perspective. I think this girl has very strong feelings for you... but I agree, your feelings about looking forward and forgetting about the past are NOT unhealthy. Afterall, she HAS broken a sacred trust.

 

If you are going on other dates, kudos to you... this is no time to sit around waiting for life to happen to you.

 

I'm going to sign off now and follow your good example.

 

Many best wishes!

[craigblitz]

Sup S&D it really sounds like things are going good for you as well. In fact your lady is going to lenghts to take care of her but she is including you in the process. I hate filling people with false hope, but it is a matter of time for you two... I really believe that. I agree Muncea gives great advice and has been dead on so far, but what if this is a big freaking game with her, maybe the simple true fact of life is she does not love me. Ok so be it, but the leave me alone, let me heal completley. Thanks for checking in bro it means a lot.

[Mun]

Hey Craig you need to do what I told someone else to do: stop and BREATHE.

It's normal to want immediate results, but things are not that simple. If she broke up with you it was for a reason. Let her work out her reasons. In the meanwhile you really do need to date others, remember you are still single. Yes I know you hate that, but you have to think that way for your own peace of mind. Nothing good comes easy. So far you have been doing great. Don't fall off the wagon just because she hasn't been in contact with you in 24 hrs that is really no big deal.

 

You might feel like she is pulling your strings because you are still waiting. Don't do this. Get out there and mingle. Go have a drink with your buddies. (I would not want to work at getting back with you if I knew you were sitting around at home obsessing about me-thats too weird-get the picture?)

 

Like I said before treat this as a new relationship with a new girl. What would you do then?

[craigblitz]

I totally agree. I have been dating, it feels weird but I am doing it. Also, I have been having a great time with my friends and etc, but there is still that little hole from her you know. It is getting better everyday.

 

It is hard to look at this as a new relationship because well it isn't. New relationships there is soo much mystery and things you find out about them. I mean after 3 years I feel like I am pursing exactly what I want and she already knows what I have to offer, so in my mind it is like S&D said in his post frustrating because if you say you love us and etc then show it and do it.

 

I am far from slipping off the wagon, trust me it is full steam ahead regardless.

 

Thanks ((HUGS))

[craigblitz]

I shared this with a friend to get her thoughts and thought I would throw it out there for you all to see and get some feedback.

 

Friday : She called me and left a message to me telling me to give my son lots of kisses and his (her name) and she loves him. I text back and said he is on vacation.

 

Saturday : At 11:45 pm she text me to tell me she is away visiting family and that she rode a horse today. I didn't reply because I was like What the heck is she telling me this for. She doesn't need to check in, but ok. At 11:50 she text and told me it was bike week there and there are an expected couple thousand bikes. I am big into motorcycles so I text back and said cool hope you are having fun.

 

Sunday : She text me to give hugs to to my son. I reminded her he is on vacation. She then text me to tell me her cousin got engaced today. I text back and said awsome tell them I said congrats when you see them. Again... very odd but whatever. She then text me and tells me to avoid 70 if I am going back to Columbus tonight. I text back and said thanks but I am staying in Pittsburgh then asked where she was. I was thinking of asking her to see if she wanted to get a bite but changed my mind. She then calls and we talk on the phone for 10 minutes. She tells me about her weekend, and ask how mine was I said great. I then told her a mutual friend said hi while I was at the bar Friday. She was like ohh I thought you were in Columbus. I said no I am always home Friday-Sunday and she was like ohh (sounded surprised). Talking to her on the phone kind of sucks becasue I just don't get the same vibe I use to get from her (hard to explain) it is like all her words are like boy I am so over you....lol

 

Ok so here is the problem as I see it in my world . I am allowing her to get WAY to comfortable in friend zone. It is apparent that I was a good enough b/f and friend for those years that she wants me around in some way. Maybe to be her b/f someday who knows but she is keeping me close. But like people have said don't settle for friends if you do not want that. I do not just want to be friends with her.. I love her wayyy to much for that right now and it just wouldn't work.

 

I know some disagree with this but I am thinking of making myslef way less available almost to the poit of no contact. I honestly think if she gets the impression that I am moving on and don't want this it may make her think about things. Right now I think she knows she has me whenever she wants to come back. She has not had to miss me. In fact in the 6 weeks we have been split I have re-assured that I love her and I am in love with her 3 different times. I am a saftey blanket for her and I am starting to get irked with it. I am at the point now where I can accept that fact that we may never be bf/gf again (accept not like) and can move on from her.

 

I am sure she has to be looking at her cousin getting engaced and thinking why in the heck is he ready and not me, we are the same age.

 

Also the dates this weekend were fun, it is a good feeling that you still attract the opposite sex. Saturday kind of sucked becacuse I have gone out with this one girl a couple times now and she is getting way to close. I told her from day one that this was just a fun kind of think. But she is always trying to kiss me and so on and she said thatI was a great, smart, funny and handsome guy and that someday she hopes I give her an opportunity to get to really know me. It was nice but at the same time it made me sick because my heart is still with someone else even though that other person does not give 2 junks about it.

 

Plus I got a thank you card from her nana for sending the flowers and she said that I was a very loving man and told me to give kisses to my son. All of this reminded me of how great of a package this girl provided. I am closer to her family then my own. I really do think she loves me, but at the same time I think she is liking being single just to have time for her to do what she wants and feel free, but do people ever lose that feeling. Obviosuly back in my world she will never lose that feeling and when she does she will be with someone else. Also if she does love me etc, why not try to start a relationship or is she soo positive on her decision never to my g/f again. You know all the standard thoughts that go through my head.

 

To this point she is doing all the contact so that has to be a good sign and at least an opportunity for hope.

 

Thanks again for the ear, I hope everyone had a great weekend

[shockeddismayed]

Hi Craig,

 

As I said in my PM, I think you are on the right track.

 

You already told her that you don't want to just be friends, yet she seems to be having her cake... It sounds as though you are always available for her... thus she doesn't miss you and (although I think you are doing fine) it makes it difficult for you to separate from the relationship.

 

I think your idea of "being busy" and out of the picture for a couples weeks will do you some good. Since you've been available all of the time since you've broken up, changing the rules for a week or two will remind her of the consequences of her actions.

 

And who knows, maybe it will make it easier for you to enjoy your dates.

 

Certainly you can always re-apply some emotional fulfillment when she gets upset and hasn't seen or heard from you in some time.

[craigblitz]

Thanks shocked, she knows exactly how I feel at this point I have nothing more to say. I have not contacted her for a while but she is contacting me more and more. It is funny I have been keeping this log for a while and every week she calls more and more. This is so stupid that three years comes down to "games". She might not even realize it but that is what it comes down to. Stupid games it really is simple as do you love me or not if not quit contacting me, if you do then lets work this out. It really is not that complicated in my mind. Oh well at this point I am just chillin for a while, I am sure like everything else time will tell. Thanks for the input Shocked. Ladies I would love to hear your thoughts.

[Mun]

You're right Craig.. it is like a game....but I think it is so because other things are missing. It's like going back to square one and re-capturing something that was lost, or maybe testing ourselves to see if we really want to invest in this relationship again.

 

If I was you I would stop telling her I lover her. She knows this, you didn't break up with her, she broke up with you. She is the one that has to find her feelings again.

 

Let her suffer a bit and find them in the process

[craigblitz]

I totally agree, I have only said it to her like 3 times in the times we have been broke up. Once about 2 weeks ago where she said I love you to, but it hard to tell what they mean when it is IM.

 

As you know I seen her online so I quickly put up an away message saying "Save a horse...Ride a Cowboy". 5 minutes later she IM's me and sees my away message. She then says I love that song. Well I went away for a little while and when I came back her away message was "Save a horse ride a cowgirl". I am serious I thought that was funny as hell because she is a slight bit jealous girl and I know what she was thinking when she read that . I thought the same thing when I read hers and wanted to vomit......lol She has even told me recently that the thought of another woman even holding my hand makes her sick.

 

To me that screams Craig I still love you, but there is obviously something missing or not right with her where she will not come back. I wish I knew what "that" is because I am 100% confident whatever it is there is enough there to work it out. But the hard part is she is the one with that secret and I may never know

 

It was hard not to reply when she started to IM me, but then I realized the conversation would most likely be about BS stupis stuff and that is not what I want to talk about anyway right now. Well I will score that as a victory for Craig, even though if she wanted to talk all she had to do was pick up the phone.

 

To all those who have read this and replied thank you so much. Not a whole lot is changing but it does me a lot of good in the morning to just get it off my chest you know.

 

All I know is if it was football season this would be so much easier to cope with....lol

[d346]

Craig,

You sound like a wonderfully patient boyfriend. I hope if I ever were to pull this on my boyfriend he would be so understanding!

 

But I agree (I may have even posted to you before) she knows you are there, is reaching out to you, so probably feels VERY comfortable that she can do her thing but has the safety of you in the background.

 

This happened to me, and I was not so understanding. I didn't exactly tell him to hit the road, but after my tears, and me pleading "we can work it out" "let's start over" I got mad. Mad that he could walk away because "he didn't know about things" In my opinion you shouldn't do that to someone you love and have had a solid committment with for 3 years. He knew I loved him, but I told him he can't do that to me, and I have to move on...and we didn't talk for a long time. I actually even saw him once in the store, and we did an awkward exchange of hellos, and I told him I needed to get out of there, and turned around and left. I made it VERY clear that I was unhappy with his actions and I deserved better. No one deserves to wait around for someone!!!

 

Now I know you're moving on and going on dates, but the fact that you tell her you love her and are there for her will change nothing on her end. Plus you're going on these dates and your heart is elsewhere. Shortly after my run in in the store, my ex called me (like an hour later) to say he felt really bad about that, and didn't want to leave things that way. and I was like, "well, that's how things are right now!" He still hadn't come up with any resolutions, but it gave me the opportunity to tell him how unhappy I was with the way he dealt with things (some details that I won't bother to go into) He said a lot of "I'm sorry, and I didn't know what to do...I still don't know what I want..." So after that we left it that way. No contact. He finally emailed me to ask me how things were going -and I replied something short and sweet, like fine, keeping busy, also processing everything on my end. then he replied that if it was worth anything, he missed me and was thinking of me. I left it at that. Then a few days later he called me. My heart skipped a beat, but I answered it...and I have to say -he tried the small talk. I wouldn't go for it though -I immediately said "what is that you want?" he was a little surprised, and asked if I didn't want him to call -and I said I wasn't up for small talk, that he knows how I feel.

 

Needless to say, he eventually wanted to make things work -that he realized we both can survive without one another, but we'd both be so much happier WITH one another. (I tried to tell him this from the get-go, and he didn't believe me) He had to really FEEL that he was losing me to come to this conclusion. In your case, I'm sure she misses you, but still knows you are there -so she hasn't lost anything. In my case, he really felt it when something funny, bad, annoying happened and he couldn't even pick up the phone and call to tell me about it. I think you have to miss the little things you take for granted in the relationship to actually make a decision.

 

so, I guess after my long-winded message, my suggestion is to pull away like you said, but maybe tell her why first -that you understand that she is unsure of things, but you can no longer handle the casualness of it all -that you said from the get-go you are not interested in just being friends. You deserve more! and you want more! don't settle!

[craigblitz]

Thank you sooo uch for the reply, and I have told her that. The first week after the break-up I said I can not just be your friend. Why be untrue to myself. She agreed and didn't call for a week. She knows I lover her and her actions tell me she loves me as well but she needs to figure that out and I have no choice but do to that. I am hurt but not mad. It wasn't easy for her to break up, but I think she is making a mistake ( whole male ego thing).

 

Speaking of the Devil.... She just text messaged me..... Said Craig you have to see 50 first dates.. My brother and I watched it last night you will love it.....

 

See stuff like this confuses the lights out of me. She is at work I am at work, do you really need to tell me to watch a movie.....lol If we were just friend why wouldn't she text all her friends to watch it. Is she trying to reach out to me. I know nobody can say for sure, but come on.

 

I am not going to respond, sticking to the advice and my gut instict.

 

Thanks again for the reply....

 

Have a great day

[shockeddismayed]

That's the way Craig!!!!

 

Great work!!!!!

 

Let her do the chasing. You deserve to be chased.

 

d346: I think you did the right thing with your EX too... congrats.

 

On my side I was midway through what looked/looks like working things out (several us talks, her admitting she is missing me, still loves me, knows our issues are workable,... we even went on a date). I called her on the weekend while she was shopping with her sister... said we should "hook up sometime this week". She said "Yeah, I'll call you later on". No word yet... but I am starting to feel like she can't follow through on things. She keeps saying she wants to write me her thoughts, but never does it... now she hasn't returned my call.

 

Granted it has only been a few days, but I think I'm at the end of my rope. If she doesn't call till next week (or later) I am not picking up. I'll judge based on the message she leaves, but my gut is telling me to start making things a little harder on her... that she thinks I will hang around waiting forever, so she is taking her time sorting through things. It's been 3 months of increasingly mixed messages (increasing prevalence of her "I've made a mistake" response) and yet her pace is agonizingly slow.

[craigblitz]

I replied to your thread.. Hang in there bro. As far as my situation.. who knows. There is no doubt she cares and might even be missing me, but that still does not change the fact that we have not addressed or talked about what needs to be talked about. Is it on the horizion??? Does she have doubts???? Who knows. Anyone with experience with this I would love to hear from you.

 

I am afraid to get optimistic, but I guess there are some good things in my favor right now.

[Mun]

Everything is in your favor now by the looks of things Craig. I think that if you pull away some more you won't lose her. Maybe that is exactly what she needs. She hasn't been afraid to lose you yet because she has managed to bring you back. What is the longest you've gone with NC?

 

It's a bit tricky here because while you want to have the good exchanges you also want to see progress. For now it looks to me like you are both stuck in a rut (with each other).. what do you think?

[craigblitz]

I do see some things in my favor, but the progress still relies on here at this point. I am not the one who is keepin secrets or afraid to say how really feel. As far as a rut, I can not say that because I am really trying to move on without her and on that end, things are going great. You know time will tell all stories. I think S&D said it best, we all worry if we should do this or that or what have you but if they really want to get back together they will address it. I think it is good to have a plan as long as that plan stays as flexible as can be.

 

Ok so a little update. Out with my boys last night and about 10:49 pm she text me and tells me to have a a good night I was about to reply becasue I had a little in me but decided not to. Then at 11:50 pm I get a text message saying Sorry to bother you again but I found the reciept for my phone and was wondering if you could get your discount still. I laughed so hard.... this was 6-7weeks and a week before the break that I said I could. The discount would be like 12.50 ahahahah. Come on is she really asking if she can get a discount on her phone??? I really doubt it but maybe she is. I am going to reply to that since that was a direct question, but come on.....lol

 

Anyway all is well in Craig's world at the momement I hope all the hurting hearts are mending. You hate to hear this but time will help in all things.

[craigblitz]

Sorry for the 2 short post in a row..... I replied back to her discount. I said sure NP and left it at that. She then text me and said should I leave it at your house? I over analyzed this like I do everything. Is she waiting for me to say no lets get a coffee or something and get it to me then or what. So instead of doing that I wrote back and said "Sure". For goodness sake she is going drive out of her way to go my house to drop off a reciept for 12.50......lol Well ok

[shockeddismayed]

I agree Craig,

 

Things are looking up.

 

However two things:

 

1) I wise person said to me (I believe it was Muneca) "Don't say you don't have control in this situation, you both have control over it... your actions have consequences". I think you can see that yes?

 

2) I say things are looking up, but you asked a few questions about whether she is missing you... yes she probably is... but my guess is that she is going to try and drag this out as long as she can... she is confused, and reading btwn the lines she isn't doing anything to address it head on. In fact, I'd speculate that her frequent texts, and acting as though you are still together indicate EXACTLY that.... that she hasn't had the courage to deal with the consequences of her actions. Your NC will force her to deal with it.... only then will she know exactly how she feels... this what you need, for her to realize how she feels instead of delaying it.

 

In cases like this, I'd say it seems most likely (80%) that she comes back and wants to at least talk things out... but you don't want to be caught in that other situation where you simply allow her to keep you 'close enough' while she recovers from the hurt of losing you (and there is NO DOUBT in my mind that she is trying to avoid that hurt at all costs right now).

 

Keep it up... this will turn in your favour eventually... you just need to realize it may be a while (it took me four months to get to where I am).

 

But I think NC will help, if not to put some pressure on her, but also to ensure that you aren't losing strength every time you are in contact and it leads nowhere. If you decide to ride this out, you will need that patience and strength in the homestretch.

[craigblitz]

As always thanks for the input S&D. BTW that is great your lady friend called back

 

When you said "In fact, I'd speculate that her frequent texts, and acting as though you are still together indicate EXACTLY that.... that she hasn't had the courage to deal with the consequences of her actions" I think that hit the nail on the head. She hasn' dealt with it. She does push a lot of stuff off and hates dealing with issues. I am just the opposite lets get errr done type of personality. I think with all the changes that happened before the break(job, etc) and her own issues she just went off on an impulse and did what she thought was best. I knew it hurt her to do it, but I really do not think she has to sit and think ohhh s*&* he might be gone for good. Great example there, thanks.

 

Also your advice about it taking a while is so true and I am working hard as heck on that. It is just hard because I really want to say come on lets sit and work this out, but that is the worse thing to do right now. She is reaching out hard, maybe I should have not even replied to any of her messages, but I think at the stage I am at with her a little is not going to hurt. All I have done is answer any questions she has, if they are comments I ignore them. All in all I feel pretty good about the situation.

 

You also made a great point in another post I just read when you said how many couples in a serious relationship break up and get back together in a matter of weeks? I know of very few, but I can think of 3 really good friends who broke up with their S.O and are now married. The range there was 4-7 months.

 

All in all great day!!!! Making bets with my friends to see what random text message I get tonight. I am saying there will be nothing tonight but we will see

[craigblitz]

Lost that bet... she left a voice mail about driving past my house and seen my neighbor being stupid.....

 

I am glad I have not talked to her in a while... her voice just says we are just pals... I know S&D I am the one who said not to look too much into tones and stuff...

 

Not calling tonight, I have basketball then going out for some Pints...