Ok.. Just thinking out loud

[craigblitz]

As many of you know I am trying so hard at no contact because it is best for ME not for playing games or getting her back. Things go well for like 3 days and she will text to say hi or something unimportant. My stance on this is I told her I can not just be her friend and the past couple messages I have not responded. I forgot to log off last night and at 3am she sent me an Instant message then after no response she tells me to check my email. Here is the part of the mail I am stuck on.

 

Hey! I've tried to message you a few times this week but either you

didn't get them or you just don't want to talk to me"

 

I think maybe I should take this opportunity to tell her you are right I do not want to talk to, but at the same time with the time away I can see myself being her friend. It has only been a month today since the break-up. She had lunch with a mutual friend and I want to she what she said because I still have not got a reason as to why she broke up, but then I was like nope keep friends out of it. So anyway I wrote back and told her how the new job was going and said hope all is well. I feel like I cheated myself by contacting her, but at the same time it pi$$es me off that she doesn't call and keeps communication so impersonal...blah

 

I just wish I could tell if she thinks about me or misses me or cares. I am sure everyone here goes through that. I guess I am lying to myself I would love to get back with her, but I am accepting it as it is not going to happened but time will tell all stories. I have a whole new appriciation for the verse Time why you killing me....lol

 

I guess I would like to hear some thoughts or anything. Anyway, it is Saturday people have a great weekend.

[nick23]

I know the feeling man...my ex does the same thing. She will instant message me and start the most random conversations and it makes me mad. I do not let her know that though.

 

Its ok to respond to her text messages, just not to every single one, just like you are doing. Dont worry that you contacted her once, as long as you didnt say anything like you missed her.

[craigblitz]

She emailed me again and was talking about generic BS stuff again, family painting the living room, work sucking etc, etc. I did not reply back because there was nothing in there that I needed to answer. I did visit some friends and the lady had lunch with her on Friday. She asked how I was doing and I said good, she said that my ex said she still loved me and left it at that. I wanted to know more but I think I made a good decision not to ask. I just don't understand how she can love me and do this. I also do not understand why she contacts me even though I specifically said I can not just be friends. The mutual friend was telling me she thinks that she is trying to figure out what she wants and who she is and couldn't do that with me. She wouldn't come out and say it but she was like she is going to realize that you were good to her and there will be a change. I doubt it sooooo much because she is stubborn and even though she contacts she has only called once. Another thing she said is she misses my son terribly. Oh well, I think I am going to stick to NC on my part if she contacts me great if not I won't.

 

Also, she got most of her things while I was out of town, but there are still a lot of things here that are hers. Should I have them sent to her or keep them till she visits(Big IF).

 

Any thoughts out there, about the decision or situation...

 

Thanks for the time everyone

[craigblitz]

Ok, I got a new apt today worked assigned and the name was funny inside joke between me and my ex. I sent her a picture of the apt name and she texted back hahaha. She also said she called last night and left a message. She thouhght i was working from home this week. I then texted and said is everything ok. She said everything is fine and asked if I could call tonight. I asked when she wouldbe home she said today is her day off and so anytime. DO I CALL OR NOT. NC has been good for me because I still hurt but it is making it easier. If I call I am going to make it short and sweet NOTHING SERIOUS. What do you guys think? I am dying to figure out what that message says

[craigblitz]

Talked to her.... Kept it light. She sounded depressed.... She says she works and sits at home. I feel bad for her. The convo made me a little sad, talked just like passing friends. Oh well what can you do God I love her

[craigblitz]

This seems to be a personal jornal. Last night after we got off the phone I went to the computer to check my emails. She seen me online a started talking. Apparently some ahole from her stupid job said a bunch of mean things to her Sunday night at the bar and REALLY upset her. I told her that she was beautiful inside and out and do not let a low lif drunk tell you different. I then signed off because I didn't want to go into a spill where I tell her she is the greatest woman ever. Anyway, about 2 hrs later she said texted saying she still can not believe the name of my apt. I wrote back haha and said what the hell are you doing up (she goes to bed early). She said what that guys has said has her being a mess. We sent like 8 messaged back and fourth, she ended it with Hugs to me and thanks you made me feel so good. Then early this morning she thanked me again and I said NP. I check her away message and it says Miserable.

 

Guys she is truly hating the single life, she went to the bar 3 days last week and said she hated it. She is NOT happy there is no doubt. In a way I am lad because she MIGHT be seeing was not me that was making her unhappy it was other things like a junk job and so on. I hope someday she realizes this, but I am not Expecting it.

 

Part of me feels good that I could help her through this tough time, another part of me is like f-that she wasn't there when all your tears fell because of her.

 

I could really use some opinions or thoughts guys. Thanks

[Mun]

Try not to read too many "hidden" messages in her text and contacts. That can make a person crazy. It sounds like she definitely misses you, and thinks about you there is no doubt about that. All the messages and emails-she wants that contact with you.

 

I can see where this is making you crazy because it was she that broke up with you. Let her have the time to think about it and change her mind. It looks like she is already at the point where she regrets it, but you being there for her so much (you are becoming her friend) I dont know about that. You have a romantic interest in her not a friendly one-try to keep that perpective on it. I think at some point you can say to her " have you had any regrets about the break up?" and see where that takes you. You don't have to add anything about feelings to it, just a simple question. I tell you this because lack of communication is the reason for alot of our problems-so communicate! but dont put your feelings on your sleeve just yet.

[craigblitz]

thanks muneca ((hugs)) I am not going to say anything about the relationship. Nothing at all. I don't even think it is smart to say do you have any regrets... I know she does. That is the first time we talked in a week and so on. I am looking into anything. As I have said before I do not think the break-up was because I was a bad guy just all the changes with job and so on and her still not sure what she wants. It makes me feel good that she thinks of me. She also said she was going through some pictures of us the other night and said that I am a really good looking guy Made me feel good.

 

At this point I am sticking with my plan, NC unless she calls but will not make myself too available.

[shockeddismayed]

As I have said before I do not think the break-up was because I was a bad guy just all the changes with job and so on and her still not sure what she wants.

 

craigblitz

 

I agree that you are handling this well. It might help to read a bit on Beec's feeding the bird strategy... as well as MyJoy's "How to get your EX back". These will give you some insight on how much contact to initiate.

 

As for your earlier requests about whether you should respond. In a short answer YES. She contacted you... asked you to call... you said you would... so you needed to honour that comittment. Obviously you know this, cuz you went ahead and did it without advice --> You did the right thing.

 

I wouldn't be ALL that worried about the friend thing... you've already told her you won't want to do it, but it won't hurt to remind her of that (maybe non-verbally) from time to time, if you feel she is taking you for granted.

 

The important thing is to look for progress... you will recognize what represents progress for her best. Keep in a peaceful place and allow things to play out.

 

However: I haven't read your original posts recently but I quoted you above b/c I think it is dangerous thinking. I can almost guarantee you that there will be a time when she comes back with what you did wrong in the relationship. If there were no problems she wouldn't have left. I'm not saying you didn't treat her well, but there must have been *something* that she wasn't getting that she needed. Otherwise she'd still have been there.

 

It is true that work/stress could have made her overexagerate whatever small problems the relationship had, but that doesn't mean that she will ever come to the realization it was "only b/c of work". There must have been a seed of discontent.

 

I say this only that you be prepared for it when and if it does come up.

 

Take some time (without obsessing) to figure out a few things that could be improved in the relationship... these could be simple things like "making the most of our saturdays", or more complex things like "validating her insecurities"... only with some reflection will you be able to figure out what went wrong... but stop telling yourself nothing went wrong.. that CAN'T be completely true.

[craigblitz]

I will take that advice and thank you. The only other thing there was the difference in religion. A mutual friend asked her and she said she just felt it was time to move on, that she knows she maybe making the biggest mistake, but she has to do this right now. There is no doubt now that there are things I took for granted as well and I am sure she is realizing it. But you are right I could get the you are the biggest a-hole ever letter, but with a true unquestionable conscious I can say I did everything out of love for her and us everything. Thanks guys.....

[shockeddismayed]

I don't mean to suggest it would be an "you were the biggest A-h0le letter".

 

In most cases it is MUCH more subtle than that... something you didn't think even bothered her much. But it was VERY salient to her.

 

Usually there were hints... perhaps you made loving little jokes about each other in front of friends... which she didn't see as loving. Who knows?!?!

 

I guess my point was that with some reflection YOU will probably know. It takes time to get at this, especially when you are hurt.

 

I mean I was in denial of some of the things I'd done in the relationship, simply b/c they were done "from my perspective" but interpretted from hers.

 

S&D

[craigblitz]

Allright I am so confused now and really need some input. She called again last night. The conversation started off real general work etc... Then I asked how she slept since was upset last night and she said horrible. I re-assured her what that dude said was wrong and she knows it. Anyway, go back to BS'ing then she says something my next relationship I am going to be a total b*** because being nice hasn't gotten me anywhere. I said something similar to her but was just joking and was talking about a friend. I said nahh neither one of us are like that and we can't do that. Then she came out and told I don't know I am just miserable. I wanted to say me too, but thanks to this board and great people I took the high road and told her not to be miserable there is nothing to be miserable about. I felt like it was going to turn into a serious convo so we both were like man I am tired so we went to bed.

 

I get the impression that she thinks I am the reason she is miserable, she broke up with me not the other way around. I mean why in the hell is she miserable, and if she is why not talk to me to see if we can save this realtionship we have. I just don't understand. She is going to visit a friend this weekend, a real nice guy hopefully he can help her with her issues. I want to help her sooo much and be there but she keeps that wall there. I know she needs someone to talk too and unfortunatley that person is not me. I am close to her sister. Should I write her and say your sister really needs an ear? Ahhhhhhhh, lol Thanks for the advice in advance

[shockeddismayed]

Don't write her sister.... it's a DEFINITE NO-NO.

 

I wanted to do that too... wanted to talk to her best friend, who happened to live with my sister. But it isn't cool... and probably it won't do you any good.

 

Her being miserable: Of course she is miserable. 1) SOMETHING made her break it off with you... she is trying to come to grips with that hurt/pain. 2) She is probably lonely for you... that will make her miserable too. 3) She is having a tough time at work... again it will make her miserable.

 

Eventually she will probably tell you... or give you hints as to why she is miserable. In the meantime, prepare yourself for it... do some internal reflection... make a list of the good and bad points in the relationship... and try to heal yourself.

 

If this is going to work out, you'll need to have rested and put some distance btwn the two of you. I mean imagine if this contant worrying goes on for months, and then she says "I might want to try again" and asks you to sort through all of the things she sees as problems in the relationship.... that is going to take a WHOLE LOT of emotional strength. You need to prepare yourself for this and living every day for her is not going to prepare you very well... you'll be too exhausted when the time comes.

 

You are doing well... but start thinking yourself about the relationship... you have the facts in front of you, you just need to find them.

[craigblitz]

I wasn't going to talk to her sister about us... no way. I was going to have her sister call just to talk to her about things... She just needs a friend right now.

[shockeddismayed]

I know you really care for this girl...

 

but remember... a breakup is often about finding your own two feet again. Sometimes in a relationship you get so dependant on the other person... or so dependant on looking after the other person that you forget your own needs.

 

It is HER job to get the people she needs to support her... and she is doing that by visiting her friend.

 

It is YOUR job to trust that she will find a way to support herself for the timebeing, and it is YOUR job to do the same for yourself.

 

Remember your primary responsibility --> You. She needs to find her own way for a little while.

[a_little_sparrow]

I definitely agree with s&d. Don't call the sister for any reason. If she's miserable, or she needs to sort through issues, it's her job to find the right people, and if she doesn't know who those people are, she will learn from her own trial & error.

 

And as for why is she miserable when she was the one who broke up: Confusion is never a pleasant experience. Perhaps this is the biggest lesson I've been learning as I go through my breakup. My ex is still not sure what she wants. Of course, I say, well, why can't you be unsure while we're together. And she says she just can't. I can see the frustration with herself in that statement and I can respectfully stand to the side while she tries to figure out what she can do.

 

Though perhaps standing to the side is the wrong analogy, because when I see that it's time to walk away, I have to be willing to take that courageous step.

[craigblitz]

Guys thank you so much. I think I need to have more patience. I am just scared that if I give it too much time a person learns to adapt being away from you and that scares me. I just wish she would give me the reason why she broke up instead of we are different and I need space, etc... you know. I going to do my best and see what happeneds. I hope she does get help from her friend, it will be good for her.

[craigblitz]

Last night she texted message me and said I hope you are getting all your work done, and that made me feel really good. I have been working mad (85-100 HRS A WEEK) for the past 2 weeks and got everything done last night. I text and said thanks for asking and she replied I knew u would get it done goodnight. I know it is something simple but it does make you feel ood when the other person you still love thinks of you. She also sent me a link link removed she said she found this link and thought of me. I thought it was strange but maybe she was looking for farthers day gifts for her dad.

 

Anyway still sticking to my plan of not contacting her, though I might since she is driving 5 hrs to visit a friend in Cincinatti this weekend, might wish her a safe trip and tell her to have fun, but we will see.

 

We will see, at least there is a gimmer of hope, but day by day it is getting easier.

[craigblitz]

Ha... this is too funny I am going to keep this as a journal and hopefully someday laugh and look at it a passing phase in my life. She text me this morning just to say have a great day and that she was driving in her truck with 12 ballons. I have no idea why, but ok. At this point I think I need to be really careful, why should I be there to take away the guilt she might have and so on. As muncea has said I do not want a friend type of relationship with her, but like I said it is nice to know she thought of me at least once today.

 

Keep healing everyone S&D how you doing the last post I read you sounded really down.

[shockeddismayed]

Craigblitz,

 

That is great that she continues to contact you. It helps keep your spirits up, but be careful not to run away with your emotions.

 

I think at this point there the question of "availability" should start coming into play. For as long as you are entirely available to her, there is no initiative for her to change things. So keep things periodic... if she texts you there is no need to text back immediately... you could even let a day or two pass and then say "whoops, I've been so busy.. thanks for your text the other day.".

 

She needs to FEEL your absense.

 

As for me? Well thanks for asking. I'm not sure exactly what post you were referring to... but all you would ever want to know and THEN SOME is posted under "EXGF has coldfeet....". I think I've fallen to the second page as I simply haven't had anything to report for a day or 2. She left on Wednesday and won't be back until next Tuesday at the very least.

 

I think we are both trying to take a deep breath while we decide/prepare for whatever comes next. It seems she's this close. I almost don't want to breath to loudly.... you know that butterfly causing a thunderstorm theory.

 

I'm just feeling tired and impatient. This has been 3 long months... and I know I must be tired cuz my support mechanisms (friends, family and enotaloners) seem to be more optimistic about what will happen next then me, and that never happens I'm a huge optimist.

 

Anyway... have a great weekend Craig... new challenges await next week.

[DragonGirl724]

craigblitz,

 

u said: "I am just scared that if I give it too much time a person learns to adapt being away from you and that scares me."

 

i had the same fear as you but i got the best advice from a fellow forum friend's signature.

 

it says: "Absense diminishes mediocre passions & increases great ones, as the wind blows out candles & fans fire."

 

i hope that helps. really take that in. b/c if its meant to be w/ her the love will come back even more powerful b/c the time apart will intensify any feelings she had for you. but if it wasnt true love it will indeed burn out, but youre not missing much if its not true love anyway & if shes not the one for you.

 

remember: all things in time, time will reveal. take this breakup as a test. testing your love for her, testing her love for you, testing your patience, your strength, and your maturity. you can only get better from here. youre both going to grow from this heartache. God has a crazy way of getting through to us sometimes.

 

take care,

-DG724

[craigblitz]

Crazy afternoon... I get a text message from her asking what city I am in, and I am still out of town so I told her. I asked why. She then texted and asked if she could call me when she was done shopping I said sure. I was wondering why does she care what city I am in. Then she called and we talked about..............Nothing.......lol I was waiting for the this is why I broke up. She did say that she is stopping in Columbus to see her aunt Sunday and wanted to know if I would be around. I said maybe.

 

What do you guys think? Is she thinking about seeing me? She also told me to tell Dylan hi, and she has said nothing about him for a while because I think she was just trying to let it all go. Who knows very strange that she did not tell me why she asked where I was.....lol Hahaha us humans are silly creatures.b

[Mun]

Talking about "nothing" is actually a good thing. It eases up the tension, doesn't it? and it let's you both joke around and have a good time talking without all the bf/gf drama.

 

I think she loves you. I think she misses you. I think she thinks about you alot.

Doesn't sound to me like she has "adapted" without you, but wants to include you in the things she is doing and wants to know what you are up to. Let her come around since she is the one that broke up. Don't be too available though, you don't want her to get comfortable the way things are right now do you? ( you are there for her but she doesn't have to deal with the issues) You want her with you, don't you?

 

You are doing good Craig-very good.

[craigblitz]

Your guys have been soo dead on with your advice it is scary!!!! She text messaged me again last night saying goodnight, it was really nice talking to you today. That brought a little red flag up for me because you guys have warned about letting her get too comfortable with just being friends. I am going to lay real low this weekend. It will be interesting to see if she does set up a visit. I will be lying if I said she don't but at the same time I am not expecting it. Give her time and space and things will fall into place one way or the other. Guys thank you sooooo much I will keep ya informed.

[tristesse]

hello,

So u're going to see her???????????????????????????????????????

Let her try to see you and if she makes plans... be busy........ I think You should mak her wait a little bit....or if she gives a time try to change it like"Oh I have to do something then can w do it at....."......(without telling her what you have to do then!!!!)

Talk to u soon