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sooo confused and upset


quiddy

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In a nutshell am 27 and I was hanging out with a guy who is 23 for last 7 months. We were sleeping with each other every other week but i never asked abt the relationship. I thought he wasnt looking for anyone. Then 2 months ago he basically made himself my boyfriend, he was nice and sweet, he called me and texted me all the time. We saw each other every other week cos we both work and have busy schedules but we had an awesome time, dinners, cinema...Then i went on my holidays for 2 weeks, he took me to the airport and was nice and sweet as always. Right before my holidays i told him that during my holidays in my home country - France i am gonna see my ex bf who was to come visit me from australia. We were together for almost 5 years and we are still good friends but nothing more and we just wanted to hang out cos havent seen each other for a long time. So my boyfriend (the 23 yr old guy) asked me right the night before my flight if i was still to see him and i said yeah. He looked a bit upset but thats it. Thought it would be beter to tell him cos i care abt him than to hide stuff like that. So here what happened:

 

-on my holidays he was texting me and everything was fine, i returned texts and so on, we talked once on skype too

 

-then on sunday before i was to come back to the Uk on monday he texted me asking when i am back and if i was to come see him. I said im coming back tomorrow-on monday but i started my new job on tuesday so i needed to pick my stuff up from my cousin and get to the new place where i work so i had no chance to see him. I said i would see him next week. That was a week ago.

 

-then he asked if i saw my ex bfr in the end and i said yeah, i spent few days showing him my country and after that he just texted : COOL

 

i texted him that night, no answer, i texted him on monday, no answer, called on tuesday his phone was off so i gave up on wednesday and on thursday morning he called me asking how i was and if i would come to see him on my days off next week. I said i will come see him , why not? and then he said it is not the right attitude to say, yeah, why not. and i just said that he just disapppeared for 3 days and then he started saying how busy he was... I know he is busy but texting sb takes 20 sec and we havent seen each other for 2 weeks

 

so after that i was to call him in the evening and say when i have days off but i just ended up texting him cos finished work at 1:30 am and didnt want to wake him up. On friday he didnt call, nothing, on saturday just : hey how are you but i was busy again and got pissed off that he doesnt contact me lately at all so didnt reply and when i texted him last nite that i have tuesd and wed off and can come see him he replyed : I am busy next week.

 

Seriously dont know what to think:

1: he stopped texting me for a while cos was angry that i was seeing my ex boyfried in france?

2 he stopped texting and calling cos i couldnt see him when i came back?

3 he wanted to see me and asked me on thursday but he thinks i dont care when i said yeah, why not i ll come and see you?

4 why he said he is busy when i told him i will see him?

5 is it possible he doesnt like me anymore?

I m sooo confused and upset cos i like him but he acts weird

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Hello-

 

I think what is probably happening is that he thinks something might have happened between you and your ex. To you, nothing happened with the ex, he is just a friend, nothing more.

 

But to your boyfriend, you were a whole other country away with a guy you were romantically involved with for 5 years, who flew thousands of miles to see you, and you two were alone together for five days. Who knows what could have happened, he has no way of knowing besides your word.

 

Basically, he has some trust issues, and is taking them out on you in an unhealthy way. I would talk to him and reassure him that nothing is going on, you like him and care about him and would not cheat on him. Beyond that, there is little you can do, your boyfriend must do the maturing himself.

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I do think that he is acting with elements of jealousy and insecurity a bit in surplus of what I would have thrown into the mix myself. However, the impetus for the arousal of jealousy and insecurity are certainly in play.

 

Your EX BOYFRIEND visiting from AUSTRALIA? Really? That is a huge commitment that requires an intimate relationship.

 

It is very very rare for a romantic relationship to transition into a completely nonsexual friendship type relationship but it is not impossible. However, given that the majority of examples consist of people lying to others or (as in most cases) themselves, about the true deep down nature of their relationship with their ex.

 

If you want to continue such a relationship with the ex and simultaneously have a romantic relationship with a new individual, you need to put a great deal of effort taking care of your new partners emotions. You cannot possibly expect to casually mention that your ex of 5 years is coming from halfway around the world to visit specifically you and for them to feel nothing (unless they really have no feelings for you in the first place). That is because there is really nothing casual about it. It doesn't sound like you spent any particular amount of effort to reassure your bf that everything was kosher with your relationship with your ex and if you keep treating it as no big thing, it becomes all the more convincing that you are hiding feelings from him and yourself about what this really is. I am not saying that you should have written him a full paged report. It would probably have helped to acknowledged the gravity of the situation though... something like say looked him straight in the eyes, put him at ease with a big smile, and told him that you are no longer attracted to your ex but that you find that he is the man who is occupying your thoughts. I guess that would be an example of reaching out with your heart to put his at ease.

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You cannot possibly expect to casually mention that your ex of 5 years is coming from halfway around the world to visit specifically you and for them to feel nothing (unless they really have no feelings for you in the first place).

 

My thoughts exactly, I can see why he would be upset. Wouldn't you (OP) be upset if your b/f did the same?

 

It's something that needs to be discussed with him personally even though he may be jealous you can't completely blame him either.

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so u all think that he is upset with me seeing my ex boyfriend? It just made no sense to me because i thought that if i told him about my ex visiting me then it would be ok, i didnt want to hide the fact from him cos i want him to trust me. I am friends with my 3 ex boyfriends, it just works this way i think that it may be weird cos it doesnt happen too often but that's what it is and i am pretty happy that after so many years i can still talk to them and ask whats up. I was planning on ignoring my boyfriend cos he is acting weird but maybe i should go and see him at work tomorrow even if he said he was busy? what do you think? thank you for all posts

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Hey quiddy,

Should you reach out to him? Hmmm... It all comes down to the wire, is this the guy you want to be with or not? Is he worth it to you or not? Only you can answer those questions. We can only tell you what seems like it would be the normal sane human reaction given the circumstances. In our opinions, the realm of public opinion says that you need to handle your relationships with your ex boyfriends with a more sensitive and caring form of honesty. You told your boyfriend that your ex was visiting you, but did you tell him how you felt about your ex(es). Did you ask him how you felt? Did you make an effort to reassure him? He is a guy, and there is the pressure on us to not be insecure or pushy, so he isnt asking you for anything right now because of that pressure and he didnt ask you for anything before you left because he was playing by the rules of the game that you put in place.

 

I have seen many many times where 2 exes have been "just friends" and it has led to more both in and out of other relationships. Let me ask you do you really see these relationships as purely friendships? Are really no longer attracted to this guy (these guys)? and do you think it would be fair to carry out these sort of meet ups if you WERE still attracted to them?

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i am not attracted to any of them anymore, i know the reasons why we are not together anymore and if i wanted to try anything with them i wouldnt be in a relationship with the new guy. I like them as friends, had good and bad times with them, know them like my own pocket and that's it. I care about somebody else, not my ex boyfriends

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It's more of a respect issue in my opinion. I would not let my ex come from another state/country while away from my wife. To me it's disrespectful even if there's zero chance that anything would happen. I wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable as trusting as she is.

 

He may have said he's fine with it but I'm sure anyone would question your ex's motives for coming all the way out to see you.

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It sounds like he's being a touch immature by playing the no text game instead of talking to you directly about the issue at hand, but he's also a guy and in my experience, it's hard for them to bring up issues like these without seeming jealous and pushy. As it is, I think you should have done much more to reassure him about seeing your ex. It's the beginning of a relationship, which means things are quite as established, I can understand his fear of you developing feelings again for the ex. You may think just telling him about will solve all fears but that's not how human emotions work in a budding relationship. I think you should step up and put an end to this next contact game and talk to him. Give him the reassurances you didn't give him before your trip and then talk to him about abandoning the angry no contact game and, instead, try to talk about issues when they come up.

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still don't understand why he called me on thursday and said when i will come to see him and then when i said on sunday i can come on tuesday he texted I AM BUSY NEXT WEEK

Why would he change his mind?

he started a new job as well 3 weeks ago and works with new ppl so i started thinking that maybe he met somebody because this just doesnt make sense.

 

why cant he just pick up his phone but he is avoiding me?

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i went to see him on tuesday and i know what happene now.

I bought a card and wrote everything that i wanted to say and was just planning on giving that to one of his friends at work to give him. I wrote that i feel that he was avoiding me lately and i didnt know why and that i wanted to say that i really miss him and his texts and calls and wanted to see him this week but wasnt really nice on the phone on thursday because he disappeared for few days so didnt want to tell him that i actually cared and couldnt wait to spend time with him. I took a train and was walking to the place where he was working at the restaurant as a chef. My shoes were killing me on the way cos i was wearing nice clothes and nice heels and hurt my heels so bad they started to bleed. I thought i found the pub that he works at but turned out it was one few miles from his having the same name cos i just googled thing but then found the right one. By the time i got there i was in such pain i coulnt walk haha his friends from the pub took me to the flat he lives at now and that what happened:

 

- i saw him and he gave me a kiss and was surprised that i came cos didnt tell him

- he read the card and said i was crazy that i thought he didnt text and call on purpose

and was angry or avoiding me

- said he was just busy with the restaurant cos they opened 2 weeks ago and since that time didnt have a day off cos he works everyday and is knackered and doesnt have enough staff to get even half day off or give a day off to his chefs

- i was a t the flat, he said look thats how i live i sleep on the floor cos have no time to order bed and furniture cos im too busy and it is true , the flat is empty

- and shown me his phone and said he is stuck in a village and has no reception so cant send texts and call anyone (that was true as well) and said that he just have a reception between his work and home on the street- he gets all messages there

- he said that he is going to work at 9:00 and finishes around 12:00 /1:00 am every day for last 2 weeks and is so busy that he cant work anymore cos he doesnt have time for anything at all and is stressed out.

 

I felt bad after all that cos i didnt know the story but was assuming sth and he said that i should feel stupid for writing weird things on the card and coming all the way there which is like over an hour from my house and hurting my feet so bad walking to the pub when he told me not to come cos he is busy.

 

but at least he should appreciate the fact i wanted to see him right?

 

he said that i looked lovely though and gave me hugs and kisses and said he would come see me whenever he gets a day off and said he would call me later.

 

so i am not happy now again cos if i knew i wouldnt go there and look stupid giving him card and thinking that he was weird and avoided me, and he had to take me to the train station cos i had like no other way to go back home and he didnt really have time for that so he probably was angry that i was causing problems.

 

I decided not to text him and not call him cos he has no reception anyway and dont want to nag and annoy him that he cant see me cos he is busy and tired so it wouldnt help but how am i to be with him when he even doesnt have reception to text me?

i know it is temporary and will be better in few weeks when he finds ppl to work but it is driving me crazy cos i want to spend time with him. But he obviously is not feeling it this way cos he said : we havent seen each other for just two weeks and when i worked for a different company we saw each other every other week as well.

 

That is true but lately he was saying that now he will be working at one place and be responsible for the rota so he will see me every week and i was expecting this thats why im disappointed but i see his is not lying abt being busy i just thought that he would be more happy to see me there but maybe i should think that it was bad timing right?

 

hopefully he will not see it as being annoying and pushy cos i just didnt know what was going on. He said that i am crazy and always thought i was crazy before i met him he split with the girl cos she was telling him all the time that she doesnt see him at all because of his other job but then he wanted to be with me cos he said that i was different than all the girls before and had a different attitude so i have to do sth to not to make him feel guilty about working and not seeing me right? if i want him to be with me

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Woah now. So he's basically saying he's dating you because you're more flexible and not as caring as the other girls? But you DO care though, right? He's got it wrong. If someone loves and cares about you, of course they want to see you! Going through these long periods of time without even any kind of communication is a big no no, and he can't just keep going around looking for a girl who won't care for that. It's different when you can't see each other but can still maintain some form of contact. Is he planning on getting internet?

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i don't know if he is planning on getting the internet. I don't know what he is thinking now because i basically wrote how i felt on the card on tuesday. He said he had no phone reception in there and said he would talk to me later. I didnt text him and he didnt make contact until yesterday - saturday evening, he texted me : hey how are you ? x

 

so now, he has reception? it obviously depends on his mood. I am pissed off that i wrote about my feelings cos he is apparently not worth it and i just texted back casually as well saying that i am good, was busy working and how are you. I didnt ask about his job, phone reception, about him not texting me and when he is having days off so i can see him. Nothing. I came to the point when i don;t care because i am not gonna be with sb who texts me once a week giving me a lame excuse cos even if i was super busy i would still text somebody cos it takes 20 sec or used sb elses phone just to say hi, how are you. I already made plans for 2 weeks in advance and gonna hang out with my friends and cousin on my days off and took weekend off while i know he is never off on weekends just to keep myself away from him and not have a chance to see him.

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