Am I In The Wrong? Trying to disassociate myself from a friend...

[Johnny Bravo]

Okay, new to the forum. I'm a guy who is trying to leave a bromance, let me give you the background story before posting my problem.

 

Way back in elementary school I knew this guy and we were school house chums, but when I moved away in 6th grade that was pretty much the end of it. Then, entering high school, he had moved close by to me and I noticed he had started attending my school. Immediately, I told him to sit at my lunch table and we caught up and that was that, we were friends--a friendship based primarily on the fact that we had grown up in the same neighborhood. We sat together at lunch, chilled in the hallways from time to time, and since we lived close to each other we would often walk home from school together. We didn't really chill a whole lot though, not until mid-11th grade.

 

It was around this time that I started smoking marijuana, and I'm not sure who influenced who, but he started doing the same. We started hanging out getting high often and going to parties and having a good time. We'd drink and smoke--and that was about as far as I went drug wise. He however was more experimental, often abusing prescription medication and hanging out with fun but shady people. Those fun but shady people eventually became my friends too, and after graduating high school we all chilled together in a group often.

 

Now, I had big hopes for myself coming out of high school. I planned on going to college, doing great, and succeeding in being a scholar. He, however, was never that big on education. He didn't graduate high school, he got his GED, and from then on just worked a part-time job and hung out and got high. I started to attend school, but often times I would neglect my studies and school work to go chill with him and our group and go party and get high. After a semester of that, I dropped out of school and started to work part-time and was just hanging around with our group doing what we've been doing. This, I knew, wasn't going to be good enough for me and my standards of life for myself, but it was fun and for the time being it was what I wanted to do...

 

Then, one night, I got a DUI. Everything changed. In our group I did a lot of the driving, and once my license got taken away I no longer could. It was suspended for over a year. At first, friends from the group would pick me up and we'd go hang out. But then, I didn't really even feel like hanging around them anymore. Though I have always suffered from depression, I wasn't sure if the DUI had depressed me to where I didn't want to go out anymore, or if I had just realized that this is not the life I want to live and the first step in changing it was getting rid of this group of friends. Either way, I stopped answering my phone for them and just started to go about my way, trying to pick up the pieces of my life.

 

Every now and then though, my original friend would call me and want to hang out. I went and hung out with him a few times, but when I did it would just end up with us getting high or if not, just hanging out and doing things I consider boring. I don't think I'm really a sociable guy, more of a lone wolf really. I stopped answering his calls as well. I have sort of a social phobia and I just hate talking to people on the phone, even before all this happened I wasn't big on talking to him on anyone else on the phone. Anyways, he'd call me and text me, saying he was sorry for whatever he did, he misses me, I was his best friend, etc. I've told him that it's nothing he did, I just want to focus on bettering myself and going to school.

 

Well, fast forward to today, I'm doing as great in college as I ever thought I would. I've got my license back, I'm still somewhat of a lone wolf really only talking to one good friend, but I'm fine with what I'm doing. I like it. I like being a recluse. I still smoke weed and drink every once in a while, but not everyday like I used too. My problem is that my original friend still won't leave me alone. He's been calling me leaving me messages that he misses our friendship and that he believes the reason I've stopped hanging out with him was because he was a bad influence but that he's stopped using drugs and is pretty straight edge, that he went to a career school and is working a laborer job now...but none of that changes the fact that I was bored when hanging out with him and that I find myself on a different level intellectually than he is. I'm not sure if it makes me a bad person, for not wanting to be friends with him, but the quote that "You're judged by the company you keep" comes to mind. I want friends around me who make me better, not friends that I make better, if that makes sense. I want friends who have something to offer me, not friends who are going to distract me from my goals. And I feel like even if I do go back to hanging out with him, there will be the elephant in the room that I've been an ignorant pr*ck for the last year and a half.

 

I've been trying to just ignore him and hope he goes away, but so far that hasn't worked. It's not that I don't like him as a person, he's a good guy. And I do miss hanging out with him sometimes, but I'm far too focused on my goals in life to want to chance going back to the way things were. And the thought of just going to hang out and not getting high seems boring to me. I don't want to just shoot the sh*t and sit around, and I'm not big on just sitting around playing video games sober. I feel like to enjoy hanging out with him, I need to be high--but I really don't get high often anymore. I enjoy utilizing my time efficiently as to improve myself physically and mentally--so I really don't enjoy going out just to go hang out. So what should I do guys? Any advice on this matter?

[DontGetStung]

Since you dont smoke often, maybe once in a while when you feel like it, do it with him. Otherwise you can just keep ignoring it.

 

He probably saw your example and eventually realized that it's time for him to change too. I think he's looking to you to validate the changes that he's made, since you wanted to better yourself, then went out and did it, and now he's done the same. Perhaps he is not as much of an intellectual as you, but I'm sure he has other good qualities, you did say he's a good guy.

 

Try not to look at everyone for "what they have to offer", it sounds like you have a chance to offer him a great deal, since he sees you as a positive influence(one of very few I'm sure). You don't have to hang out all the time, but if you just hung out once it would probably do a lot for him. Truthfully, you don't owe him anything, but it sounds like it wouldn't cost you anything to see how he's doing.

[aloevera]

I agree with the above post, that is: You probably can't cut him off cold turkey...nor would I confront him about it as, (NO OFFENCE INTENDED) people just coming off drugs can do some really stupid things. I think that, since you have fun with him when your high, ask him to tag along when you do (I guess if he is cold turkey you don't need to tell him your high?).

People change, and the most important thing is that you focus on your goals. Once you get them out of your way, you can continue doing what makes you happy. I think he is really eager on your friendship and no offence intended here: I think it to be a little bit selfish that you don't answer his calls. Sacrificing an hour a week or 2 weeks isn't alot just to keep him happy. Go from seeing him from once a week, to once a month, and end the friendship slowly and no so quickly. Don't get high with him, just be straight as you don't want to send yourself spiriling down.