So Confused

[marshall1982]

First off, I'm numb. I haven't been sleeping good. My mind is racing. I feel guilty about things and then I feel righteous about the same things 10 seconds later; I'm flip flopping.

 

5 days ago I broke up with my girlfriend. We started dating in April last year, but I can't remember the exact date. In December, we got in a fight about her lying and me not trusting her. Basically, she kept her MySpace logged in on my computer and I took it upon myself to snoop. I didn't think I'd find anything and honestly don't know what I did it... curiosity I suppose. I knew I was wrong for doing it, but I didn't waste any time telling her that I did. In the snooping, I noticed a letter from a guy that I did not know and he gave her his number. This didn't bother me, because she's not able to control what other guys do, but what had bothered me is that she didn't bother telling me after she told me she would tell me when guys hit on her. I did the same for her, so I expected the same back.

 

She had started a promotional job where she'd go into bars and promote bands, so she was getting a lot of attention and recognition from men in the local area. I approached her and asked her, "Have you been getting any numbers lately?" She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Nope." I asked her again. She said, "No, I promise." That's when I told her about me getting on her MySpace. She pretty much broke up with me on the spot and we didn't talk for 3 days.

 

More drama happened, including her being pregnant and having an abortion... and other things I don't want to get into right now, because they aren't that relevant to the point I'm trying to get to. We split and a week later, she was dating someone new. I still loved her and this hurt to no end, but when I spoke to her, I didn't mention a bad word about the fact that she was already dating, nor did I ever say anything bad about the guy because she's free to do what she wants. He wasn't comfortable with us being friends at all and pretty much threatened me if I came near her. They only lasted for 7 weeks and then she and I got back together.

 

We were together again for 7 weeks, but about 5-6 weeks in, I noticed a change in her behavior. Everything, up to that point, had been simply amazing. I was so happy to finally have her back, because I do take the blame for our relationship ending the first time. I invaded her privacy, even though she had left it on my computer, so I was in the wrong.

 

Well the behavior change wasn't something drastic, but I was curious. She used to text me 60 times a day and we talked on the phone daily. We'd see each other twice a week at least and she'd always come out on the weekends when I didn't work. Well, that all stopped. She wasn't texting me good morning... amongst other things I'd grown used to. Now, I'm not saying I need to be told these things, but rather, I was just acknowledging the change.

 

Around this time, she started mentioning this guy. This guy happened to be the same guy that gave her his number back in December. Trusting her, I didn't have a problem with them talking. But she started talking about him everyday. I probed to see how much she knew about him, because she said they barely talked, but she knew a lot. She asked what I thought about her going out with him and his friends and since I trusted her, I told her, "You can do what you want, but it doesn't mean I am comfortable with it." Basically, giving her the green light to go, but letting her know I don't do that so I don't enjoy the fact that she does. It's her decision who she talks to. The invitations happened a couple times and both times she said she didn't want to drive the distance to see them alone, even though I told her I didn't care. She was also always mentioning "them" when really the only person she knew was him. I felt like she was using word play to lighten the load on me or something because I mentioned I felt uncomfortable about her going out alone.

 

Anyway, with the change in behavior and her sudden desire to want to go out alone without me, I started getting paranoid. On 3 to 4 occasions, I said with tenderness, "Baby, you know I love you, right? And you can tell me anything in this world, right? Is there anything you want to talk about?"

 

She always told me nothing was wrong, so I chose to not pursue anything and trust her, but inside, I was torn up. I wasn't sleeping and at one point, when the frequency of our talks and communication dropped drastically I found myself crying. I knew something wasn't right.

 

I started letting it get to me and started talking about him a lot. And asking her about him. And why... why... why... I let my emotions and paranoia get the best of me. Eventually it caused a problem.

 

At the same time, she was going through a lot of stress with her car breaking down and on top of that, she is a single mother to a 3 year old whom I love very much... as one of my own. I was coming to her with our relationship issues and she didn't want anything to do with it at one point, so one day she stopped answering my calls. That was the first sign of her anger. She called back that same day and we sorted it out.

 

The next day, she called me and started going on about her morning. She mentioned having to be superwoman that morning and eventually got into how she had to go pick this guy up before work to give him a ride home, because he got too drunk the night before and was "too hungover to drive." I froze... and didn't react immediately. I was shocked she'd do something like that, but told her, "Well you seem like a great friend to him. It's admirable." Even though I was torn up even more inside. I didn't show any anger.

 

In that same conversation, I asked her what she was doing that afternoon. She mentioned she'd be shopping, so I asked her if she'd like to come by my store and see me. She said, "I'll have to think about it. I'm tight on gas money." I worked 9 miles from her... and this guy was 25 miles out of her way, but she had to think about coming to see me? I even offered her gas money and told her we could eat dinner on my break.

 

That's when I got upset. I didn't yell... or scream... I just asked her simply, "You have to think about coming to see your own boyfriend even though he's offered a solution to your gas money issue, yet, at the drop of a hat you go and pick up this guy you're not dating, whom has clearly become an issue in your relationship?" She proceeded to hang up and text me 3 hours later that she was "f*cking pissed and needed space."

 

I gave it to her, because I as well needed space. I got home from work and looked at her Facebook. She updated her status that she was going to listen to some country with Dale Earndhart Jr. I was curious as to which one of her friends looked like him... and low and behold... it was him. It was the same guy she picked up in the morning. They were out until 2-3 AM and she never called.

 

However, I trusted her... and knew she wouldn't cheat on me, but in the same breath, I was angry because she didn't tell me she was going out with him. I didn't call her. I waited until the next day. I never cried so much my whole life... but that day, I cried, because I was contemplating breaking up with her. I called her, ready to break up because she basically lied to me about going out with the guy... and instead, we didn't break up. I expressed to her that it hurt me she didn't tell me, but she justified her actions because she was "pissed."

 

That caused even more turmoil inside of me. The following night, she was going out with him again and told me I could come along. I met up with them and his group of friends, all of whom were nice guys, but they weren't my people, so I felt a bit out of place. She was sitting next to him and another guy, so I couldn't sit next to her. We really didn't talk much that night, except for when we got up for smoke breaks. Her friend was the center of attention all night... making everyone laugh. I tried several times to get on the conversation and weaseled my way in, getting a few laughs, but I was the new wolf amongst this wolf pack and on their territory... and they were all sniffing my meat. Haha... I hate putting it that way, but that's how it felt. I'm not possessive and I showed self control and chose to look at the situation as harmless, but again, inside, I was torn up that this is what she wanted to be doing, instead of being alone with me as we always had been. I'd be more understanding if all these people were old friends of hers, but she didn't even know half their names to introduce me! We went home together that night and talked. Everything seemed to be fine.

 

Basically, a few days later, we were supposed to get together that night, but she had to work late, so instead, I went out with a group of people from work. I ended up drinking and called her to pick me up at midnight, so I didn't drive drunk. She didn't answer. So I left a voice mail. I started rambling in the voicemail and basically said that if this treatment didn't change, I was going to leave her.

 

I sobered up, drove home and slept. The next morning, I expect some kind of call or text to check on me, but nothing... I get online to look at Facebook and see that she posted a status update saying, "My boyfriend left me a drunken voice mail telling me I need to get my * * * * together or he's going to leave me. Hmm. Let me think about that while I'm busy being a mother." Below were comments of other single mother's and friends rooting her on!

 

I called her and she was angry... We ended up not getting anywhere, even though I was talking to her calmly and she pretty much implied that she wanted MORE space. Here were were again with her putting me in the doghouse again for a voicemail that was polite as could be. I felt like it was just an excuse to spend more time with her male friend.

 

I drove to her house after she hung up on me and broke up with her. I told her I couldn't do it anymore and that I was hurting. It all happened in less than 3 minutes. She showed no sign of remorse or sadness... only anger. So I walked away.

 

I was so confused... so hurt. For 2 weeks, I was bottling up everything because I trusted her... I trusted her words. And I had enough. I had to stand up for myself.

 

Eventually, I blew up and lost it. I already lost her once again... and here I am... losing her again, but I did the breaking up. I wanted to drive her as far away as possible at the time, because I was hurt, so I started calling her obsessively and leaving angry/crazy voicemails. I went out and drank everynight... calling her leaving her the meanest things... all in effort to drive her away.

 

I regret it, of course, because truly, I wanted her to love me... I wanted her to care. I didn't want to break up with her at all, but I was tired of being hurt.

 

That's when I started flip flopping... I started apologizing for what I did... then I'd go and do something else... and then I'd apologize for that... and so on and so forth. Eventually it stopped. Yesterday I called her calmly and we talked. I told her I still wanted to be with her and she said there was no chance in Hell and that we gave it a second chance already and it didn't work.

 

I agree with her to an extent, because I can't go through any more of that, but what I'm upset about is what offset all this.

 

She justifies not telling me about who she's going out with until 3 AM because of her anger, but she can't seem to forgive me for what I said (which she knows I didn't mean) even though I was merely angry. She has actions that hurt me which are justified by anger, but my hurtful actions aren't justified by that same emotion?

 

I know my actions aren't right... and that's why I'm regretful of them, but to her... she was right for what she did and feels no regret. That's where I'm having the problem. She never apologized for that. She is playing the victim, but to me, I feel like I am and that me breaking up with her was her merely getting the results she wanted, minus the guilt. She's been going out with that guy now and I have no control over what they do... It kills me. I feel like she cheated on me.

 

Any suggestions? Walk away? Should I talk to her? I still love her. I wanted to be with her for a very long time. Am I an idiot for wanting to be back with her after her justifying her hurtful, inconsiderate actions with anger?

[Speranza]

I'm going to ask what might be a painful question here.

 

How on earth do you know she wasn't cheating on you?

[marshall1982]

Of course I've thought about that. I met the guy, so normally, if you're in an affair, I'd think you would keep the guy a secret and keep the bf away, right? After we broke up, I asked her if she did and she said she didn't. I don't have any major proof, except for one thing... I'm a photographer and we were working on a project together. I built a MySpace page especially for it and this particular male friend added me 3 days before I broke up with her. In the message he sent, he ended it with a

 

I don't know if she cheated, but I feel like she did. I just trusted her so much... and believed in her. She treated me better than anyone ever had before and we had been through so much that I never thought we'd both give up.

 

Her daughter was getting baptized today and I wished her a Happy Easter and asked how the baptism went. No reply...

[Ms Darcy]

To answer your question, about if you should walk away, you should take your cue from her.

 

You tried with her twice, she clearly didn't respect your relationship boundaries and introduced a third party into the mix, and she even said there would be "no way in *heck*" she would want to be with you again. As much as it hurts, I think you need to start listening to her and move one.

[marshall1982]

Thanks Ms Darcy. I'm pretty certain that if she did not physically cheat on me, then she started developing feelings for someone else... which is emotional infidelity. It happens, but it doesn't make it right and I believe that once you start feeling that way for someone else outside of your current commitment then you should either withdraw yourself from the outside distraction or break up with your current commitment. Instead, she withdrew from me (which to me seemed out of nowhere) and drove me to break up with her, just so she didn't have to deal with the guilt of hurting me. She gets to come off looking like the victim in this to her family and friends, especially after I acted like an ass to drive her away. Just like back in December when she broke up with me, she made a new group of friends right before all this, so they don't even know her. The last group of friends she had saw her true colors and none of them talk to her anymore. All the friends she's had with me over the past year want nothing to do with her either. I was an idiot to take her back.

 

Honestly, I don't think she ever loved me. She was 8 months (so she said) out of a 4 year relationship with her child's father, who has done nothing for that child. I totally ignore all the horrible things she's done to me, just because when she's good to me, she treats me like a king. It's as if she feels that her good behavior gives her allowances to treat me equally as bad... Also, both guys she's essentially hopped on to after leaving me have been losers. One was 28 and the other is 26, they both live at home with their parents, have part time jobs, and do something in the local music scene. She's obsessed with being famous and gaining attention. She says she's passionate about supporting the local music scene, but she never once told me this until December. She tells people she's in promotions and that she's a model, when really the only true modeling she's done is with me and a non paying group that promoted local events. I'm a musician (hobbyist), photographer, I work a full-time job, I'm a semester away from finishing my bachelors, have been independent of my parents since I was 17, and am joining the military... Why is she trading me for these guys? My friend tells me she wants to "save" them and being with someone of lower standards gives her control; he tells me since I'm doing something with my life and actually have morals and treat her right, that she feels out of control and the only way she can control me is by treating me horribly? I don't know if his assesment is correct, but parts of it make sense. She's almost 27 and never even finished high school and has yet to get her GED. She lives at home with her parents and works a part-time job. She's got a criminal history and I've witnessed her lie to her own parents many times. Ah... There are so many things I ignore, just because of the few table scraps she gave me over the year. I have to believe that I deserve better than this!

 

Thanks again for the advice. I just wish I could get answers as to why she did all this to me, but seeing that I've already been through a painful divorce (in which the same thing happened; my ex wife is married to her "friend" that i though she was too close too) and a slew of bad ending relationships, I know I'll never find them. The best thing I can do is just look at the situation and realize that something wasn't right. I'm 27 and about to join the military, so I don't need the stress. I need to focus on my career and just put having a family on the backburner for now.