Rn_forlife Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 Hello again to all you here at enotalone, I'm hoping I can get some advice as I'm confused on what to do with my situation..... Here is quick background on my situation, I met a girl through a medical program that I'm currently going through. She moved to my state/city from georgia and is originally from my town. While she was living in georgia, she married and had 3 kids and when she was pregnant with the third child she left her husband to move back home to my town. She told me the bad things he did to her and she couldnt deal with it anymore so she left. This has been two years now that she's been apart from him and he's come to visit her and the kids only once since then. Well after meeting her and getting to know her we really hit it off and I could tell something was different, she wouldnt really open up her heart to me and I figured it was because it was fear of getting hurt again, she told me how she didnt love her husband anymore and didn't want to be with him but it hurt her knowing her oldest son (8yrs old) would cry at night for his dad and would always ask her why she wouldnt go back to his daddy.... Well after time went by we became closer and closer and wanted to be together but she was scared, she comes from a traditional/strict family and there seemed to be a lot of obstacles for us to be together, she did date others during the past two years but she said she felt she was in love with me and constantly told me how she wanted us to be together but that we should wait until we're done with school so that we could be financially stable. Well fast forward to a couple of weeks ago she seemed really edgy,moody and got upset very easily....i asked her what was wrong and she said she is stressed because her ex said he's coming back here and that he deserves another chance to work things out with her and the kids... She told me she didnt want him to come but that she felt bad for her oldest son and feels that she has to sacrifice her happiness for her sons/kids happiness and thats why she is back with him. She told me that she doesnt love him, isn't attracted to him and doesnt want to be with him but can't seem to get the courage to tell him no and she's scared.... She's asked me to stick by her side through this and be there for her but I'm hurting inside, I'm lost and it makes my stomach turn to think about her with him and worse to think of them being intimate again... I know it's her husband and the kids father but it still hurts inside and I'm confused as to what to do.... I told her yesterday that I couldnt do it, that it hurt to much to think of her being with him and that maybe I need to get out of the picture to figure out what she wants to do and if this is the right thing for her... All she replied back with was "okay, I'll leave you alone"..... Any advice is much appreciated!!!! Thank you in advance! RN_forlife Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidehop Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 The father only has seen her and the children just once in the last two years? Is the distance pretty far from Georgia to where your hometown is? In either case if she's truly not happy and though I can understand that she wants the father figure for her son's life, I'm not sure if it's healthy to actually allow him back into the picture if she has no feelings for him. The conflict and the problems they had in the past may actually make the situation worse. If you want to work out anything with this woman and she's honest about her feelings I would say you need to give her some time and do 'stick by her side'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rn_forlife Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 Sidehop, Thanks for the reply, I apologize for not stating where I'm from. I'm from california so it is quite a distance from georgia. You know it's hard to believe that she would let him back in her life if he was that bad and if that much time has passed? I mean after two years wouldnt you think the kids would adjust and she would just keep moving on? Something tells me or my gut feeling tells me that theres more to the story than what she's told me... She told me a couple of days ago that she dated during those two years and would always compare the guy to her husband and would ask herself if she had to chose who would she chose and her answer was always her husband. Then she said that she had never compared me to him and she finally did and that she chose me and that she's in love with me but that she's "stuck" with him... She says things to me like "if you want out, i understand"...that I'm an incredible man and that's she's blessed to have had me in her life and helped her realize she can love again and that she's extremely sad inside and scared... If I stick by her side wouldnt that be giving her a safety net? I'm sooooo confused because I love this woman and the fact that we see eachother 5 days a week for 8 hours a day in school is going to be torture!!!!... Thank you again for your reply or any replies.... I want to do the right thing and not do something out of anger or emotions..... Any advice or opinions is very helpful!!!! Thank you Rn_forlife Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidehop Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 That was my thought about her letting him back in, he sounds very controlling if he's assuming he deserves another chance by allowing himself back in. Either that's true or she's confused about her own feelings. Until the situation and her intention is clear it probably wouldn't hurt to be just friends, be there for her back give yourself some space as well. It could get complicated if he does in fact end up staying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 I take it that she never filed for a divorce? Even if she did, I never believed that they are ready for a true relationship until the divorce is final, and they're on their own for a good period of time, in order to process the loss, and be ready to start again. I'm sorry this happened to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rn_forlife Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 Heart goes on/side hop, She never divorced him so I agree, maybe she needs this time to reflect on what she needs and what is good for her and the kids.... My opinion is that she will end up losing a good thing and settle for what she has out of comfort and the fact that he's her husband and father of her kids. I know people say you should never stay with someone for the kids and if that is true hopefully she realizes that before it's to late... I guess it would be safe to say that the best thing to do is to be her friend and be there for her? if so how do I separate the love vs. friendship? for instance when she texts me or calls and says things like i love you and miss you etc.... Thank you all again!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 Heart goes on/side hop, She never divorced him so I agree, maybe she needs this time to reflect on what she needs and what is good for her and the kids.... My opinion is that she will end up losing a good thing and settle for what she has out of comfort and the fact that he's her husband and father of her kids. I know people say you should never stay with someone for the kids and if that is true hopefully she realizes that before it's to late... I guess it would be safe to say that the best thing to do is to be her friend and be there for her? if so how do I separate the love vs. friendship? for instance when she texts me or calls and says things like i love you and miss you etc.... Thank you all again!!!! I don't think that you can separate the "love vs. friendship" at this point, since you were very involved in her life. You need to protect your heart from being hurt even further. I'm sure it won't be easy, but I would tell her that you can't be involved in her life unless she goes through with a divorce, and is on her own for a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casanova4life Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 1. Don't be there for her. 2. She never stopped loving her husband. 3. Staying with her husband bcuz of the kids is a copout. 4. Start dating other women.( This one if full of baggage a bachelor like you don't need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrenchFries Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 My opinion would be that you need to step away from the situation and let the relationship run it's course, whichever way it's gonna go. I do not think it would be proper for either of you to continue communicating during this time. I know you would like to believe what she has told you, and I'm not saying it's a bunch of lies, but you really don't know the full story of their marriage/separation. She's been separated from this man for 2 years and never filed. Did she ever tell you why? I don't know what kind of household you grew up in, but I don't think it's fair to say that the child should be adjusted to the divorce by now. A lot of children never stop missing the absent parent. Personally I don't believe in standing in the way of reconciliation of a family. I know that is not your intent directly, but in a sense, you continuing to be a part of her life would only add to the continuing conflict in her mind, her attention to working on her marriage would be divided, and it could just end up resulting in an affair that carries on and on and on - OR a dead end for you. You don't know what kind of changes he has made in the past couple years that have brought him back either. I say leave her be, let her know you don't want to interfere and you are not capable of just being her friend right now. There is no separation between romantic love and friendship - you are fooling yourself if you think you can just be a friend right now - it's already torturing you thinking of the two of them being intimate. If she tries this relationship out with no interruption from others, maybe she will come to a conclusion a lot faster and if she decides to divorce her husband then the two of you would be free to pursue a relationship. I am sorry you are going through this, but I feel it's best to let her try to work on bringing her family back together, regardless of what she's told you. It is her decision and I don't think it would be right for anyone to try to convince her otherwise at this point. She can and will figure it out eventually. She left him once, and she can do it again if she feels it's necessary. Time for BOTH of you to focus on healing, in my opinion. Again, I am sorry for what you are going through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrenchFries Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 Actually I see you've already told her that you can't handle a friendship right now and I think that's the best step. She has agreed to leave you alone. Leave it at that. She's got a lot of emotional issues to sort out. You won't have her fully until it's all resolved. As for going to the same school, I'm not sure what advice to give, except that you'll have to learn to cope through the end of the semester - sorry. She's got an attachment to both of you, so even though she said she'd leave you alone I suspect that she will attempt to communicate with you again. You will have to be strong, if my advice is taken. She's unavailable right now, plain and simple. I just don't think it would bode well for you to continue the relationship in any fashion or form. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rn_forlife Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 Frenchfries, Well I screwed up and got weak.... I sent her a simple message that said "hi" and it was before I read your replies. Did I do the wrong thing? do I keep away from her completely? It just boggles my mind that someone can just up and drop someone they say they love at the drop of a hat... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrenchFries Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 Well, it depends on whose advice you decide to take RN. I would not say you have screwed anything up. It is going to take time to detach from her and going to the same school does make it hard. Marriage FOR MOST people is a very strong bond. Her heart is still tied to her husband. Many people are wounded for a very long time when it ends, and with her it never ended. I think you should weigh the pros and cons, keeping yourself, her, and her children in mind when doing so. Honestly I do not see any good coming out of you remaining in contact with her during this fragile time (especially for you). But that is just me, I personally have a very high respect for marriages and I would not get in the way. Keep in mind that is my opinion. I have never been involved with a married person. I have been in love before though and know how hard it is to get over it. Don't look at it as her just dropping you and walking away. I'm sure there is still love for you in her heart. Right now she is doing what she thinks is best for her family. You did not have her 100% anyway, since she was still married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rn_forlife Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 FrenchFries, Thank you very much for your insight in all this. A person in my shoes is clouded by emotions and tend to act on emotions without thinking things through. I want to take your advice and do whats best for me, her and her kids and her husband also. I don't want to get in the way of her working things out with him and I don't want to make thins harder for him, if he has indeed made the changes he needed to make... I will let her go and give her the opportunity to focus on herself and her family and hope for the best. I don't wish them failure because I know the kids would be happy to have their mom and dad back together and who am I to come between that. It's going to be tough thats for sure, loving and losing someone isn't the easiest thing to go through as I've been through broken hearts before. In my early stage of my broken heart I put a lot of blame on myself, I feel as if I wasn't good enough and wasn't worthy enough to love her, love her kids and be there for all of them.... But then again maybe all that didn't matter because her feelings about her husband and her family were much stronger than anything I tried to give to her..... So as of now I will turn and walk away and keep moving forward and if it's meant to be we will be together....I did all I could to show this woman what true love is and it's obvious I wasn't successful in doing so..... Thank you again for any and all replies.... Broken hearted Rn_for life..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrenchFries Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 Don't beat yourself up, just take it as a lesson learned. Don't ever get involved with someone who is unavailable again. True she was physically separated from her husband, but until she took that final step she was not truly free to love again. It's not going to be easy picking logic over emotion, but I believe you can and will make it through. I think you'll see that staying out of the picture will help her either way. I think her trying to keep a relationship with both of you will just drag things out, and statistics are on her husband's side. Hang in there RN, you will not be broken hearted for life. You will heal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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