Are we over or is there a chance?

[megahurtz]

Hey guys,

Im new to the site and it looks like everyone gives a lot of good advice so I need some of my own. I've been dating this girl for about 9 months now, and its been great up until this past month. We had a fight at the beginning of the month because she was moving and I needed to study for my finals which happened to fall within the same days. Anyway she got really mad and accused me of not being there for her. She got over it though....it just took her a few days and we talked about it but she was still sore over it.

 

Now, this last weekend, everything has just gone ballistic. I got invited to go to a rehearsal dinner earlier in the week but when the time came to go, she told me that I'd be the only one there not related to the wedding, but I came anyway. I got there and she was busy with all the other bridesmaids and everyone else but she and I had very few words. I just kind of sat there for a while with no one to talk to about anything. I told her I was leaving and she didnt seem to care whether I was there or not.

 

The next day I was suppose to make 2 weddings, my friend Jeb's and her friend Nikki's where she was a bridesmaid. I called her up early that morning and she said just to go to Jeb's wedding because I just seemed really uncomfortable and it would probably just be that way for me that night. So I said alright but I was kind of hurt because I was looking forward to being there with her. I called her back and said I wanted to go and we fussed back and forth for a while because she said I wasn't making up my mind. We finally agreed so that I would just come to the reception because she thought I couldnt make the wedding in time.

 

I went to my friend Jeb's wedding, then proceeded to her friend's reception. I show up and sit with her parents and talk. She hardly says a word to me and doesn't even make eye contact when she looks at me. I tried to get her alone so I could apologize about everything that morning, but she didnt even let me have the chance and just said "You can go home if you want, I am not going to fight with you here" in a real mean tone and turned her back to me. All of this in front of her parents by the way, and so I told her mom I thought it was best if I left. So I did..and she followed me outside and just yells "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" and went on about how every time something important happens for her I disappear (used her moving and this wedding as an example). Then she just told me to go home...

 

So now, she wont tell me she loves me, and when I ask her why, she says " I think we need to take some time to see how much we appreciate each other". She said she didnt know if we were working, how if we ever really got along because I was good at damage control, a lot of mean things. I can't help but ask when she calls if were gonna break up, andshe says shes sick of me asking that and its making her feel like thats her only option, she said she just wants to have a normal conversation (nothing about our relationship) and she just wants to have fun. That was 2 days ago.....and we havnt talked since.....

 

So now, I'm hurt, I'm confused, and I can't tell what I've done wrong and I don't know how to fix it. Things had always been fine before this, and thats how I'd like them to be again. I don't want to lose her over something so petty such as not being able to resolve an argument. I have read up on some other peoples posts around the web and a lot of problems are miscommunication. I've tried to talk to my friends about this and they just say ditch her or you aren't for each other. I really don't want to give up on this relationship if theres a chance something can be done. Anyone have any suggestions or know of something similar thats happened? I'm just giving her time and space right now but I don't know what else I can do if anything...

[dikaia880]

Give her the time and space she seems to need...don't be too distant, but don't be too close...when you talk absolutely no relationship talk, it will just push her away...

I may not be right about this part, but maybe you could send her an email apologizing and that your there whenever she wants to talk...most of all you need to let her miss you...and when she does go slow and things should work out just fine...

Best of luck!

[goodquestion]

 

 

Man, she is losing interest in you, you have to be MORE decisive, don't banter back and forth, NEVER argue with a woman! In my opinion, she thinks you are a push over, don't ask if you are going to break up, you're just asking for it! Give her time and space ... don't push her, or she'll leave for sure ... the signs are there bud ...

 

1. she acts busy

2. she's mean to you

3. she gets upset when you don't make up your mind

4. you ARGUE back at her

5. you keep bringing up the relationship thing

6. she WANTS to have fun with you, and you keep talking, you NEED to listen!!

7. you keep asking if you are going to break up, and she says she's sick of hearing that.

 

Work on yourself, don't spill your guts to her, WORK on your confidence, she is your lover, NOT your best friend ... guys are wired differently than woman ... the seven points above are womanese for "she thinks you are getting wimpy, needy, and are a bore", be a MAN. Don't continuously point out your flaws by apologizing for every little thing either ...

 

I am not judging you here, I want you to better yourself, and win her back if possible, but remember one thing, women hate beggars and desperate guys, DON'T be that ... if you have any further questions, feel absolutely free to PM me ...

 

l8r

[megahurtz]

She did make some specific note about me being insecure and that I was "needy". I need to work on that asap.

[OceanEyes]

I don't get it. She tells you that you always 'disappear when she needs you', but you're the needy one? Either there are parts of this drama that haven't been mentioned or she's one confused gal.

 

I've tried to talk to my friends about this and they just say ditch her or you aren't for each other.

 

Duh ... friends are always going to give you that speech, lol. They have also not shared intimacy with her or been in your shoes. It's a lot easier to look onto things and make observations than it is to actually be objective and realize that there are real feelings involved!

 

Honestly? I would distance myself from her if I was you. She seems a bit confused right now, torn between loving you and not knowing what she wants from you. You have to figure out what the heck she's talking about by her conflicting statements of, "you're needy" and "you disappear whenever I need you". How can someone be needy and unavailable at the same time? Doesn't make sense.

[amaranth_04]

Hi there,

 

I agree with goodquestion where he says you're asking for it by repeatedly asking her if she's going to break up with you.. I can understand her frustration at that seemingly being the only option you want to go for.

 

However, other than that, I agree with Oceaneyes' post. She seems to be the one with the bigger problem here... she almost sounded bratty the way you were describing her behaviour. It seems as though if you're not there when she snaps her fingers, she's going to throw tantrums.

 

You had to study when she had to move. If she really needed you there, could she not have arranged to move out the following week ... 'cos you can't exactly arrange to take your exam the following week. When you could go with her, you went. She asked you to not go the second time etc.. it's almost as if she's testing you, sort of an entrapment... you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't..

 

Be firm with her. Let her know you will support her when she needs it and she has to be clear about it, not play games with you to elicit a reaction. Let her know you won't tolerate childish antics.

 

She quite obviously wants some sort of recognition from you.. perhaps she's a little unsure about the depth of your commitment, something along those lines ? Ask her about it, her reactions seem to reflect a deeper discontentment.

[OceanEyes]

^ Yeah the 'snapping of the fingers' comment was right on target. Two-way street relationships involve both people being understanding of the others' needs. She should have tried to understand your need to be responsible and hit the books.