Not getting along with bf's family

[eskimogirl]

I am having huge issues getting along with my boyfriends sister.

 

Him and I have been dating for 2 and a half years and things have never been smooth with them. (He has two younger sisters, 19 & 20)

 

He moved out in February and things have been great, I can go visit him without having to deal with his sisters. They are extremely immature, both recently deleted me off of facebook. Which I guess isn't a huge deal but it bothers me.

 

Also he neglected to tell me that his youngest sister is moving in with him, in 2 weeks time. I was very upset about this!

 

I guess my biggest question is what are reasonable expectations to have of him in this situation? I am not comfortable going to his place with his sister there.

 

I wish I was his #1 priority sometimes but maybe that is to much to ask. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[-Sanguine-]

why is it that they have a problem with you?

 

I guess, without knowing any other information I would say just be the one to take the high road and treat them with respect even if they can't manage to be the same.

[eskimogirl]

Thanks, there is a long history with them. I was best friends with the older one before I started to date her brother....opps haha

They are super close and feed off of each other so I really don't think that helps. But I honestly don't know what the root of the issue is...sometimes I think it is just because we are VERY different. They are outgoing party types and I tend to be quiet and keep to myself.

I am not totally sure. But thank you for the advice, I will definitely treat them with respect when I have to be around them.

[-Sanguine-]

Thanks, there is a long history with them. I was best friends with the older one before I started to date her brother....opps haha

They are super close and feed off of each other so I really don't think that helps. But I honestly don't know what the root of the issue is...sometimes I think it is just because we are VERY different. They are outgoing party types and I tend to be quiet and keep to myself.

I am not totally sure. But thank you for the advice, I will definitely treat them with respect when I have to be around them.

 

oh, well that makes things complicated. I can see why it could be tough for you especially since they will always take eachothers side of the issues since they are so close.

 

it seems pretty immature of them to act like that towards you for no reason. but who knows, maybe if you're always treating them with respect (and also not giving into them if they start something with you), they might even learn to like you.

 

what does your boyfriend think of all this?

[eskimogirl]

Yeah, their whole family is extremely close so if one of them doesn't like me, then none of them like me. It makes it tough. And they all thrive off of drama.

I hope your right, I would love it we could just all get along.

My boyfriend says that he is done with all of this and that it is not his job to make it work between us. I am not happy with his stand point on that but i'm not sure what I want him to do either.

[faithful14]

I agree with D, just be nice to them when their around. Kill em with kindness as they say. Or you can always take the initiative and say talk to them about the issues between guys. Say that you would like to work things out and remain on good terms. If that doesn't work, at least you can say you made an honest effort to make things better.

[Kumatora]

My boyfriend says that he is done with all of this and that it is not his job to make it work between us. I am not happy with his stand point on that but i'm not sure what I want him to do either.

I partially disagree with this statement. No, it's not his job to ensure you and his family have a good relationship, but if he is committed to you, he needs to make sure his family acts civil toward you. This isn't a battle you can really defend yourself without his support. Otherwise it hurts his relationship with you and his family altogether. In a worse case scenario, some couples have separated themselves from their families entirely because family members/in-laws REFUSE to act civil toward their spouse/partner.

 

Unfortunately from what you described, he isn't going to separate himself. He grew up in a culture where family is ultimately important. He moves out... and is having one of his family members move in with him? What's the reason behind that? To clear my confusion... I have to ask: What was the point of moving out and away from family if family is going to move in with him?

 

I feel for you OP: this is going to effect your intimacy greatly. Maybe it's time to have a sit down discussion of your concerns and your relationship needs. He may not listen, but at least you got your concerns out. And if he doesn't pay any attention, you need to decide if you can put up with his family being immature and disrespectful toward you because your boyfriend has made it clear that he is NOT going to support you or step up for you if any drama escalates between you and them. If you want to make yourself look good, you wouldn't stoop to their level and do the "kill them with kindness" strategy. But now it's going to be a lot harder because your relationship will no longer have privacy.

[eskimogirl]

Thanks you so much for the reply Kumatora.

 

He moved out because he is 23 and said he was tired of living at home. Kind of ironic since he is always going home to visit them because he misses them so much. We had plans last week that he backed out of to go home. I feel like his family has been an issue in our whole relationship because he is SO close to all of them and honestly it does bother me.

 

The reason his sister is moving in with him....I'm not totally sure. He did move into the city where as his family house is out of town at the lake. I guess she wanted to be closer to work but it only takes her 20 min from the lake anyways. I was most hurt about it because he knows her and I don't get along but yet he went along with all the plans and never even filled me in.

 

I think you are right, I need to sit down and talk to him. The only problem I have with this is that I KNOW he will put his family first, he has in the past. What can I say to this? We have been together 2.5 years, should I not be some sort of priority?

[Kumatora]

He moved out because he is 23 and said he was tired of living at home. Kind of ironic since he is always going home to visit them because he misses them so much. We had plans last week that he backed out of to go home. I feel like his family has been an issue in our whole relationship because he is SO close to all of them and honestly it does bother me.

 

Well... if you are looking for an adult relationship, this is a serious red flag. He is young, but at 23 he should know how to start living independently. At 20 I learned to live on my own for a bit when I was away at college. His family situation is not helping and I'm very sure that it's causing him difficultly self establishing. Think about it: if he tried to get away from them and one of them is moving in with him, do you think he's going to ever step up to his family? Highly doubt it.

 

It also sounds that he hasn't had the full experience of living on his own and the fact he crawls back home contradicts what he is looking for in life. What you should ask him is does he plan on moving out and live on his own or stay inside the nest? The fact he doesn't have the courage to tell his family, "I appreciate helping you, but I do want to try living on my own," will give you an idea where your relationship be headed. He will always consider his family first instead of your relationship needs.

[eskimogirl]

You are hitting everything. I have always felt deep down that I will never come first but I was hoping that would change with engagement and marriage. He always tells me that they are his family and always will be.

As far as the situation with his sisters go, I just talked to him and he is done, he is leaving it up to me and his sisters to figure out. I would be more than happy to never deal with them again but I know that isn't the right thing to do.

[cazmoore]

I have to say that I agree with him.

 

You've only been dating for 2 and a half years, which is not long compared to how long he's known his family and lived with them. They do, and will.. come first. He's obviously close with them and he probably will put them first until he does decide to get married. At at point - he puts his wife and his OWN family first.

 

Dating your best friends brother will cause issues - jealousy issues. She use to be friends with you, now you're sleeping with her brother and want to spend all your time with him. I've seen it before, it's not that uncommon.

 

Ever heard of the term 'cheerful and stupid'? I get that you have issues with his sister, but at this point I think, it is up to you and them to figure out how to get along amicably. I don't really understand why he's moving in his sister, but this might be the chance for you to shine - to talk to his sister in private and extend that olive branch. What do you have to lose?

 

Listen, this is the same sort of stuff you might have to deal with for the rest of your life - with your own family, co workers, friends.. etc. Just because you don't like someone, doesn't mean you have to act like you don't like them. I don't care for my sister in law, and believe me, I'm sure she feels the same... but I get along with her for the sake of my brother and my family. That's his wife. I don't like it, but there's not much I can do about it.

 

You can choose your mates and your friends, but you can't choose your family or his. It's crappy, but that's the way it is.

[eskimogirl]

Thanks for your opinion. I can sort of see that side of things to.