respect.

[im_the_undead]

THE PREFACE

[i get none. in a family in the United States, usually, the kids are raised to respect their parents and equal respect is given throughout the family. Unless a child goes completely wrong and dictates the parents, that happens.

 

In a traditional hispanic family, for example, mine... the men take charge. And when there is no man, the mother is the leader.. and if there is no mother, the eldest takes control. However, respect isn't given to anyone except the person in charge.

 

So my father lives in another country.. he decided to leave for his own reasons after the divorce.. when he lived here it was a dictation, a tyrade.. we lived iin fear.

He's a peaceful man now, great timing.

So the head of the house is my mother since my brother left... & well, she's just as harsh as my dad was.

 

my problem is, i was raised in the United States and have been around families which are so loving and close together and supportive of one another, and i long for those emotions.

 

i am the youngest and was never shown any respect.. [from any family member] or empathy.. or affection and that has affected my relationship with my boyfriend & has affected my ability to show emotion....and be respectful to my mother when she blows up, ect..]

 

 

Ok, my question is....how do i give respect to a woman who is mercyless & aggressive? she deserves it because she is my mother, regardless of the way i am being treated...i had great respect before, and i try keep it that way now.. but when she has her tyrades..i can no longer control my emotions and reproach....

D:

 

 

making me the bad guy.

 

trust me, when i'm provoked i tell it how it is.. and that's not good... idk how to show respect to someone who never has...

help

[EQIQ]

Yeah no idea how to help you... besides that I think what you said is very true of many Latin families, not just Hispanic but also Italian, Portuguese, etc. I think it is somewhat common.

 

Fortunately even though we are Brazilian my family wasn't like this. But it is something that I have observed in people that I know that are of similar background. Even my ex's family is somewhat like this. Her father is a cool guy, but he sure is more strict and has more of a temper than other dad's I am used to lol.

 

Even though we didn't really have this respect problem, I totally understand what you say about the leader roles though, and it is something I have imprinted on my brain. To this day I can see myself becoming the "head/leader" of a family. It is just the mentality we were brought up with, at least it wasn't tyrannical at all, my dad is actually really good friends with pretty much everyone.

[KeepMe]

This is something that seems to bother you long term due to no affection in your younger years. As you have said, you have never been given respect so it's a learning process for you.

I can tell you how to be respectful, but I'm just giving you the "manners list" and the no brainer facts of being polite, well mannered, and respectful, such as opening doors, shaking hands, stuff like that.

Although it seems in your case it is much different in your family, and your problem runs deeper than the ordinary common courtesy. If it is affecting you this much, and something that seriously bothers you, some personal help would be advised. Someone that you can see that can talk with you about these sort of things.

As far as your mother goes, it's possible that anyone can hold their tongue when someone is acting atrocious to them. However, that isn't always healthy either. Of course your mother is your mother, your father is your father, and it's our duty in the younger generations to respect our elders. Even though that is how it is for some, and how it should be all around, it isn't always like that. Sometimes it's healthier to cut ties with mothers, and fathers, if they are truly bad acting people.

She may be acting this way because of her own emotions, she could be scared making it on her own with children and no man. She may feel that she has to take the mans role and protect her family with doing so it could have put feelings that run deeper inside of her that she hasn't learned to deal with, causing her to lash out at you. Some things just plant bad vibes into people and aggression is really the only thing they know to do with those emotions. She seems like an angry type that is filled with a lot of agitation.

She also sounds like she could use some help too, however that is her decision and if she isn't going to get help, and she keeps acting the way she does with you, it's best you move on. Explain to her that you can't see her if she is going to act this way (assuming that you are older, and able to live on your own.)

 

If neither of those options are available, having a strong talk with the woman might do some good. Make sure she is willing to listen to you, and tell her that it's something you need to let out, and that has hurt you for awhile now. Tell her exactly how you feel, and no less. Be sure to bring up every major point and what kind of relationship you desire to have. Also let her know that you understand where she is coming from, and that she can talk to you about anything if she needs it. You understand that with your dad leaving, and your brothers gone, that it would be hard on her to have to make all the decisions, and do what she finds is right for the family. It's actually a big job that has to be done, and the choices being made should be distributed between the two parents (making it easier on both) that it's very hard for a single parent to do on their own. It could be nerve racking to some, and it could have put a lot of aggression on her. That's something you need to understand, and as long as she doesn't feel that you are pinning everything on her and are actually willing to help her with things, she should become more calm. You are her daughter, and she is your mother, it's a bond you two have.

If she is unwilling to listen then it is out of your hands from there.

 

"Telling her how it is" shouldn't be the approach, though it is VERY hard and much easier said than done, but reacting calmly would be the best approach. When she's starting to get aggressive, and not respect you, and lash out at you, calmly tell her what you think. Never get angry and push the blame on her (rather it's her fault or not) that just makes people more angry, and it's an all out war between the two of you.

If you can calmly point out her flaws, and disagree with what her views are instead of beating her down with them, it could cause a cooling affect on her.

It just seems like communication is what you and your mother are lacking.

[im_the_undead]

thank you for taking the time to type all of that, i appreciate it.

i'm not as clueless as i seem, i know i just need to be reassured and reminded what to do, it kind of gives me inspiration to continue working on it..

 

yeah i NEED to just keep quiet when she's yelling and saying mean things..because two people throwing things in each other's face obviously isn't working for me.. or her, because at this point in time i want to delete her from my life .. heh

 

(i realize that her rudeness has increased to an outstanding level ever since i started going steady with my boyfriend. my relationship is already disfunctional, the last thing i need is my mother attempting to dictate my relationship & get upset when i retaliate her attempts)

 

 

i don't have the option of just going away unfortunately, and i know that doing so would kill her and make her resent me more.. so ehh that's not a choice.

so i just have to...stfu when she's talking/screaming and attempt to talk later..

ahh.. i'm scared..

 

and depressed as HECK .. i cry like every night and in the car & i know she must cry too [i think?].. been doing so for a while.. i miss my mom, the one before the monster that made me a monster ..

but like she says i cant blame her for who ive become, i have a choice.

i just wish she'd chose someone else to be also

[aaroncampf]

i think you just need to cool down. i know how hard this stuff is to deal with. you should talk to your partner openly, after all, what partner wouldn't love his wonderful girlfriend opening up to him and talking honestly about the relationships problems.

 

you need to look inside your self. you must find whats bothering you and one by one resolve them. its not easy and takes time but you need to. i spend lots of time watching anime, listening to special music, all of this to help me see inside myself. it makes me cry alot but it really helps with my many emotional problems and a ton of loneyness to deal with.

[anya1607307555]

but like she says i cant blame her for who ive become, i have a choice.

i just wish she'd chose someone else to be also

 

It sounds as though you are both wanting and waiting for the other to change the situation, and neither knowing how.

 

You don't necessarily need to move away to create space between you. Learning how to not take things personally will create much needed emotional space.

 

If you think of the respect in terms of your own self-respect it may make it easier to put it into practice and avoid conflict. Stop and think, regardless of your mother's behaviour, 'Is this the person I want to be?' She can continue to shout and scream but make that choice, for yourself, not to retaliate. That abuse is hers, so leave it with her - refuse to take it on your shoulders. Choose to be the better person to enhance your own life, no-on else's. This way you can give yourself the respect you missed out on being shown.