Jump to content

Why is it that when people start to become close the other backs off?

AlwayzRight

By AlwayzRight
in Dating Advice

Recommended Posts

newwave Community Regular

newwave

Posted
Posted

Because they are scared. I am dealing with this myself where I was getting close to someone, but he's scared due to a bad relationship. That's my I take the advice of taking things slow and giving space. Maybe these relationships will work, maybe they will not, but slow is sometimes better than nothing.

Link to comment
AlwayzRight Enthusiast

AlwayzRight

Posted
  • Author
Posted

So what should the other person do, just completely back off..fall off the face of the earth? Both people enjoy spending time with one another but if it went any further it leads to something that they are not prepared ofr right now. Does the attraction just end from the other person's perspective?

Link to comment
newwave Community Regular

newwave

Posted
Posted

In my case the attraction is there but I've backed off and let him make the decision. That's probably what you should do. Let her decide if/when she's ready. Some people take their time, others decide they don't want a relationship, etc. If you pressure, she'll just get more scared.

Link to comment
AlwayzRight Enthusiast

AlwayzRight

Posted
  • Author
Posted
In my case the attraction is there but I've backed off and let him make the decision. That's probably what you should do. Let her decide if/when she's ready. Some people take their time, others decide they don't want a relationship, etc. If you pressure, she'll just get more scared.

 

So pretty much...no contact? I do not think I agree with this. How are you supposed to let someone know that you are still interested in them? That you would like to see them again but do not want to presure them to do so?

Link to comment
newwave Community Regular

newwave

Posted
Posted
So pretty much...no contact? I do not think I agree with this. How are you supposed to let someone know that you are still interested in them? That you would like to see them again but do not want to presure them to do so?

 

But if you keep contacting them, they might get scared. Let them come to you because frequent contact might make them more leery. Trust me, they probably know.

Link to comment
MakestheBest Apprentice

MakestheBest

Posted
Posted

you also have to determine if their "backing off is healthy" some people back off in a normal way and just need some space to come around. Some people go ape sh*t. It depends upon your scenario. In the case the best thing without a doubt is to give them as much space as you can deal with and let them decide.

Link to comment
AlwayzRight Enthusiast

AlwayzRight

Posted
  • Author
Posted
But if you keep contacting them, they might get scared. Let them come to you because frequent contact might make them more leery. Trust me, they probably know.

 

I agree but no contact may lead them to believe that you are not interested in them anymore........and we all know that guys are the ones who supposed to chase the girl....What is one to do?

Link to comment
Gabo Apprentice

Gabo

Posted
Posted
I agree but no contact may lead them to believe that you are not interested in them anymore........and we all know that guys are the ones who supposed to chase the girl....What is one to do?

 

Hey man..... So this is (I think) the 3rd thread of yours on more or less the same topic. Maybe there are more.

 

I feel like you are just trolling for someone to tell you that its okay to be proactive and persistent with this girl so you can go ruin what slim chance you have left with her. Unfortunately, there is a fine line between when disappearing on a girl shows lack of interest and when its appropriate so as not to cause here to withdraw further/be annoyed/creeped out. Sometimes its hard to tell where it is. CLEARLY, HOWEVER, YOU HAVE CROSSED IT.

 

An easy point of reference is when she says "I don't want to have a relationship.' That should be your cue to back off and disappear. If she contacts you fine; if you see her out with friends fine (be normal); if you have a big event going on, invite her (maybe).... but otherwise, disappear and do not make her feel like you are trying to start a relationship with her (which you clearly want to do).

 

 

I know that I am a broken record here, but the important thing to do now is get your life going. If/when she comes back you want to make her see how good of a time you have had without her. The funny thing is, if you do that, you will probably find another girl who you get along with just as well, if not better, and you will realize what a waste of emotional energy all this was.

Link to comment
itsallgrand Grand Master

itsallgrand

Posted
Posted

Sometimes it's just a natural loss of interest, or realizing that person isn't what they were looking for.

 

Happens all the time, and is part and parcel of dating. That is what dating is for - finding out if it's worth it from one own's perspective to be investing in a relationship with the person longer term or not.

 

In my opinion, when someone backs off, it's almost always a good idea to let them have their space and if they still have interest and the action to back it up - they will contact you.

 

Goes for girls and guys. I don't back off and then expect a man to "chase" me back to forming a deeper relationship - I know what I am doing and already know how that person feels without having them constantly at my back.

Link to comment
Little Blue Ant Explorer

Little Blue Ant

Posted
Posted

Bingo bango. Couldn't be more right. Just let it go. If she see's your backing off as a lack of interest, and then she's over it, then she was never really in to it anyway. If she does have feelings, then she will probably initiate at some point. Stop looking for the answer to "why" and just accept "what is". Give her space. Back off. If she's your boomerang, she'll come back to you.

Link to comment
G-Snap Newbie

G-Snap

Posted
Posted
Its not fair to the other person. When both people genuinely enjoy spending time with one another. Why do people run when there could be the possibility of something special? I will never understand this.

 

Maybe they don't feel the same level of attraction or 'specialness' so they back off so as to not give you the wrong idea?

 

I think you need to give this person the space they are looking for. You can't make people want to spend time with you and the feelings of attraction might be mostly one sided on your part.

 

When two people really have a strong attraction and like each other it isn't the norm for them to 'run' away. You have a few commitment phobes out there who might but this is rare for someone to run from a developing and special relationship out of fears like that. That is something that usually happens after someone is dating and they are afraid to commit. That doesn't really it in a situation like yours most of the time.

 

I'd back off completely from this person.

Link to comment
AlwayzRight Enthusiast

AlwayzRight

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Maybe they don't feel the same level of attraction or 'specialness' so they back off so as to not give you the wrong idea?

 

I think you need to give this person the space they are looking for. You can't make people want to spend time with you and the feelings of attraction might be mostly one sided on your part.

 

When two people really have a strong attraction and like each other it isn't the norm for them to 'run' away. You have a few commitment phobes out there who might but this is rare for someone to run from a developing and special relationship out of fears like that. That is something that usually happens after someone is dating and they are afraid to commit. That doesn't really it in a situation like yours most of the time.

 

I'd back off completely from this person.

 

 

Well she is a COMPLETE commitment phobe. She told me on our first date, 5 months ago. She then told me this again when we were starting to become close and she became distant. She even had to remind me when things started to have a little pressure that she has commitment issues due to relationships from her past....

 

How do people deal with commitment phobes when you know someone is in to you but doesnt want to take things further I guess cause they are afraid.

 

I actually saw this girl and her friends out over the weekend, I did not go up to her and talk to her but I know she saw me. I was having a blast with a bunch of my friends and randomly while I was at bar her best friend comes up to me and talks to me. It was weird because her friend has never initiated any kind of conversation with me at ALL and has even told this girl that she "doesnt need a boyfriend" to be happy"

 

Anyways her friend said to me when I asked her if she is just not into me. or is there someone else, her friend said "she doesnt want to mess with you" meanining she doesn't want to hurt me. She also said that she "doesnt't like what you are doing right now" . Which I think she didnt like the fact that I was having a blast and talking to multiple girls.

 

I thought it spoke volumes that her friend even came up to talk to me...

 

How do people deal with commitment phobes?? I am almost sure this girl is in to me but she is scared to start any thing. i would normally just right this girl off but I really think we had a damn good connection and could of had something special but it almost like she is afraid to and has even told me after she became distant that she "is not girlfriend material"

 

I guess I dont know how to proceed.....I know I should move on but darn it, if her commitment issues are the reason I want to firgure out how to get past it, because I really like this one.

Link to comment
G-Snap Newbie

G-Snap

Posted
Posted

She doesn't sound like a commitment-phobe.

 

Sounds to me like she sent the friend over to try to let you know she isn't 'going there' with you. Sounds like lack of interest.

 

I wish that isn't the feel I got for your sake, but it is.

 

How to proceed? Don't.

Link to comment
AlwayzRight Enthusiast

AlwayzRight

Posted
  • Author
Posted
She doesn't sound like a commitment-phobe.

 

Sounds to me like she sent the friend over to try to let you know she isn't 'going there' with you. Sounds like lack of interest.

 

I wish that isn't the feel I got for your sake, but it is.

 

How to proceed? Don't.

 

Oh she is a huge commiment phobe, she has told me multiple times over the past few months before we even started getting close and I kind of made fun of her a little about it, jokingly.

 

She has been in long term relationships, basically her whole life and has been single the last few years. She has been hurt BAD in each of the relationships.

Link to comment
AlwayzRight Enthusiast

AlwayzRight

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Commitmentphobes have this strange way of getting over it when they are really into somebody.

 

 

I tend to agree but she has even came out and told me that the reason she becomes distant is so she doesnt get to close to someone. She even went as far as to tell me that her friends think it is her defense mechanism to not get to close.

Link to comment
Gabo Apprentice

Gabo

Posted
Posted
I tend to agree but she has even came out and told me that the reason she becomes distant is so she doesnt get to close to someone. She even went as far as to tell me that her friends think it is her defense mechanism to not get to close.

 

So Congrats its not the that she isn't interested in a relationship because you are unattractive/boring/poor/whatever. She isn't interested in you because she has commitment issues. +.5 on the ego boost.

 

This does not change the fact that the best advice is to leave her alone. Basically, everyone here is telling you the same thing.

 

Why do you want a girl with commitment issues anyways? There are lots of girls without commitment issues.... and guess what, they are generally much much much better girlfriends.

 

Anyways, I am done giving you advice.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...