HELP with NC vs LC. How do I approach her??

[AMG16]

Well I'm writing this all out for a second time, since it didn't post the first time. I had initially posted in the "reverse physcology" thread but wanted to post my own thread and give some background info on the relationship. I'll try and keep it brief. I'm having a tough time with this, and I appreciate those who take the time to read and respond.

 

About a month ago, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me. This is the second time she has broken up with me. When we first met, she was finishing her degree in another city. We hit it off and went on a few weekend trips together etc. over the course of a few months. When she was done her degree she moved in with me and found a job in my city. Everything was great for over a year and a half. During this time, we both started to realize how much we missed the farm and that way of life, as we had both grown up on farms. Although my job is a dream job for most people my age, I started to grow more frustrated with it, as did she with hers. I became self absorbed, and would lock myself in the office when I got home from work, researching property, writing business plans etc, trying to put together a plan for us. We argued, and I justfied my arguments and not doing anything with her because I felt I was doing all this so we could be together where we both wanted to be. (I know this wasn't right, as I was only taking frustrations with my own situation out on her) We didn't do anything together anymore, weekends were spend driving viewing properties etc. All we talked about was work and business it seemed. We were both frustrated and started fighting a lot. She had quit her job, and told me that she was going back to help on the farm for a few days. When I got home from work, I noticed that she took alot of things to only be gone a few days.

 

I didn't hear from her much, and after about a week, I called and asked if we were ok. She hesitated, and told me that she wanted to take a break. We talked, and agreed that we owed it to one another to try and work on it. We would make plans to meet up on a weekend, but she would lie and make an excuse as to why she couldn't make it. This went on for a few weeks. One weekend I drove to her farm as we were supposed to attend a wedding together. I Went out a day early and surprised her with a night at the spa, hoping we could finally talk about things. Well after a nice supper, she deicded she wanted to go to the casino, where she ran into a friend, and ended up getting very drunk. She was cold to me the whole night. The next day I worked for her dad on the farm while she was in the city getting her dress. I waited for her until midnight, and when she didn't come home like she said she was going to, I just left, to go back home myself. Turns out she was partying with some friends. When she found out I had left she sent me a very rude text message. The next day she was at the wedding, and was telling me how much she wanted me to be there with her. After that she went on a 2 week roadtrip through california and vegas with a girlfriend of hers. I became more distant, but she kept contact with me on this trip, telling me she missed me and wanted to work on things when she got home.

 

Well when she got home, she again made up an excuse about why she couldn't come see me. I went NC with her at this point. I got rude text messages from her always late at night when she was partying. I would respond a day or two later, always trying to be mature about it, telling her I cared for her and I was concerned about her all of a sudden reckless behaviour. Then about 5 weeks went by of NC. After that she started contacting me, wanting to know if I still wanted to meet up etc. That never worked out due to our schedules. I finally told called her an told her politely that she needed to come get the rest of her stuff as I was selling my house. When she came to get her stuff, about 4 months had gone by since we'd seen each other. We finally had the talk we should have had initially, and we ended up getting back together.

 

She told me that she neeeded that time to figure herslef out and that she had done that. I told her for this to work, that she would have to be commited to making it work when things got tough, as they certainly would since we were now doing the long distance thing, as she never ended up coming back to the city. Of course she agreed. Well 5 months went by and everything was great. She was open to taking a job in my city again, but we ultimately decided we didn't want to be here, and she kept working back in her city. Again, I became consumed with trying to figure out how I could figure out my plans with the farm and my career to be closer to her. This coupled with the long distance aspect, and we didn't see each other as we liked, and we never made a point of doing stuff together when we did. I went out to her place for Valentines day weekend, and we fought almost the entire weekend. I also forgot to get her something for V day, while she got me a card. She never told me she was mad, but I knew she was upset, as she has a right to be. Finally, the next week I made a very drawn out decision to take a job that would allow me to expand my farm, and put me closer to her.

 

Ironically a week later she told me she wanted another break. She said she had no career goals of her own, that we didn't do anything together anymore, that we didn't trust one another, and that she felt that she was never good enough for me. She told me that she needed to focus on her more clearly than she did the first time she broke up with me. She said that she cared for me more than anything, and that she would do anything to be with me in the future. (letting me down easy). I went away for a few days on a trip. During that time she emailed me to ask if I had any luck setting up an appt with a relationship counselor, as previously we thought about seeing one. Well I didn't get the email as I was gone, and when I did respond 4 days later she was very closed off to me. She had also deleted me from facebook during this time. We made some small chat via email and that was it. I didn't hear from her for a week.

 

Then she emailed me. The email was pointless, and to me just an excuse to make contact. I ignored it. Then a week later she sends me a text message. She said "do you still have my ipod dock" That's it. Again I didn't respond. I took it as another excuse to make contact. I have had that thing for over 2 years. She didn't ask about the first time we broke up, so why is it a big deal all of a sudden? Also, she had changed her phone number, and I thought maybe this was an excuse for me to have her new number, since she could have text me from her work cell, emailed, or called from her home or work line. Then two days later I got another text, just before midnight. It said "You know I know you are not too busy to respond." Then a few minutes later I got a really rude text from her, it didn't make a lot of sense and had lots of spelling errors. "so Iwamt what I deserve, you have no respect and I'm fck%ingad I was w u so long" That is what it said. I know she was drinking. It was late, and St. Patricks day.

 

Also last time we broke up she did much of the same thing. She resorted to drinking and partying, I guess to help her cope. I'm also questioning if she is in a rebound relationship. She has been posting all over this guys wall on facebook. This guy is also a friend of mine on there so she knows I can see what she is writing to him, so she might just be doing it to make me jealous. She knows that I know this guy likes her. She posted a video on there of a party she held at her house. He was playing the piano and they were all singing. Then she went and through her arms around his neck and said "I never knew you could play like this." again she knows I can see this. So i don't know if she is just trying to get a reaction from me, since I haven't responded to her, or if there is anything going on with them. He tried to kiss her last time we were broken up, and she wanted nothing to do with it then. This time I don't know.

 

My question is this. Do I contact her?? I feel I should have told her I was going to be doing NC and that is was for both of us, rather than just dropping off the face of the earth like I did. To contact her now, after ignoring her will only upset her I'm affraid. I will be in her city for a few days at the end of the week, which ironically happens to be her birthday as well.

 

Do I contact her, tell her I'm sorry for dropping off the face of the earth, but that I was only doing it to respect her wish for space? Do I tell her that I will be there at the end of the week, and that we could meet so she can get the rest of her stuff. I do want to tell her that I care for her, and always have. I just got to comfortable in the relationship and took it for granted. I know if I tell her this, it's at the risk of her seeing my vulnerability and squahing me with it, as she probably hasn't cooled down enough yet. I also really want to give her the birthday gift that I had gotten for her. I want to show her I care. Even if she reacts negatively, at least she will know that I care, and might come to reflect on this after she has cooled off some more with time. On the other hand, I don't say anything to her at all. With that I feel I risk alienating her even more, and even with time if she does have a change of heart, she might be scared to tell me so, b/c she may now be affraid of me rejecting her. What are your thoughts?? I greatly appreciate those that take the time to read and respond to all of this. I'm having a very hard time with things. Thank you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It might help if you broke up the very long paragraph into smaller paragraphs. Easier to read and then people will hopefully respond.

[Lastchallenge]

Before I give my two cents... Let me ask.

What do u want out of this?

[AMG16]

Before I give my two cents... Let me ask.

What do u want out of this?

 

I would like to get to a point where we can talk about things. I feel like right now she will be resentful of anything I say or do. I want to really work at a relationship with her. I feel like we never really addressed any of the issues the second time around. I'd like to confront those issues, and finally realize the potential that a relationship with her has. I have taken a step to address one aspect, in that I'm moving closer, and I'll be much happier in my new role.

[Lastchallenge]

I sent u a pm...

[uncomfynumb]

Your ex must have read the book "Why men love * * * * * es..."

 

Seriously, she sounds immature and like she might have a drinking problem.

 

You need to lay down the law with her. Tell her in a nice way you will not be tolerating her BS anymore. If she continues, change your number.

 

Most children stop with the attention seeking childish behavior when it is ignored and not rewarded.

[AMG16]

When we are together, she is great. Mature, compassionate, caring etc. Both times we broke up, it's like as soon as we broke up, a switch went off in her head. She becomes immature, rude, and parties all the time. I Don't get it.

 

Anyone have any suggestions on my comments about contacting her?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you need to contact her. You are as much at fault for this whole mess as she is. Ignoring her contact was not a good thing. Sure she certainly does not act very maturely, partying and drinking is not the mature way to tackle relationship issues. I think you both should sit down and talk about things, maybe go to a counsellor for a few sessions. You need to take the risk that she will shut you down because then at least you can say you tried to fix this. Both of you seem to be too stubborn and too proud and that is why this relationship keeps failing..you are not looking out for each other. In a relationship each person has to take care of themself, but also be aware of the needs of the other and make sure to address those needs. A relationship is about "me, you and us"...not just "me".

[AMG16]

She will most definitely shut me down. I know she will not see a counselor with me. We are too far gone for that. I've ignored her for a almost a month now. My hope with making contact would be that in SUBTLY reaching out to her, she knows I care, and as much as this contact might make her mad in the short term, I hope she starts to remember this more than the bad b/w us.

 

Apparently she told a mutual friend yesterday that we would not be getting back together, as it was too much work for a new relationship. That bothers me, b/c I told her it was going to be work when we first got back together. She agreed, but then we didnt really do anything about it. I was willing to work at it she was not. Also I feel she needs to understand that this wasn't a new relationship simply b/c we had a break, and that the same problems will persist if not corrected.