Limits of a relationship your significant other has with their personal trainer?

[Pez]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm just trying to get an idea if I am being a jealous person, or if I have founded concerns.

 

 

But I also want some feedback.

 

Is it okay that my wife is doing things socially with her new male personal trainer? How would you deal with it? I BELIEVE everything is platonic, but something keeps nagging at me.

[Juxtapoz]

describe the guy. have you met him before?

[Smythe]

I think it's normal to be concerned. What are they doing socially? Are you included? Is the trainer's wife included too? IMO, the trainer should keep it professional...especially with a married woman. I think you need to talk with your wife.

 

Everything might be fine in the beginning, but who knows what might happen down the line?

[Pez]

Well my wife is a teacher, and right now is march break. Very nice weather and on Tuesday she told me that her and a bunch of teachers were meeting the personal trainer in the park for a bike ride/roller blade session.

 

One of the teachers she said was going to be there I have as a client and I was touched base with her earlier in the week because I knew she had time off. At the end of our conversation I mentioned something about it should be a good day for your bike ride tomorrow and she knew nothing about it.

 

Long story short, my wife admitted that she and the personal trainer went for a walk together downtown.

 

She has also been chatting with him on facebook. She says he invited the two of us, and another teacher and her husband out for St. Patty's Day drinks. But my wife never even passed the offer on to me. I have never met the guy. He just recently broke off a 4 year relationship, and she claims they are just friends....but the entire thing just sits oddly with me.

 

Should it?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This the ultimate cliché...women who have relationships with their personal trainer or with their dance instructor. Your wife is doing the classic cliché...she is messing around with her personal trainer...and I am willing to bet that this same personal trainer probably has "bike rides" and "walks" scheduled with other female clients on other days of the week. Your wife is up to no good and she is also pretty stupid if she thinks she has something good going with her personal trainer who thinks the world of her...because it is likely for a few extra bucks, he thinks the world of many of his other female clients as well.

[Pez]

I honestly don't think she has messed around with him. At this point I think it is more intrigue than actual anything but the point being is I would rather nip it at the bud than let it flower.

 

You make a good point about him making her "feel special" to get a few extra bucks. Do you think it would be a valid ultimatum that she either stop the social stuff or stop the training? The thinking being that he will have no interest in the social stuff if the money isn't coming in.

 

Or am I in the right in just demanding that she stop seeing him altogether, training and socially?

[Smythe]

IMO, you are married and she needs to do her part in ensuring there is trust between you by getting another trainer and stopping social contact with him. It looks like there is already things going on that she hasn't been straight up to you about.

[Pez]

Let me put out one more piece of clarification and tell me if that changes things....

 

The training is group training with other teachers after school. It's called boot camp training. And she says she enjoys the social setting of that with her fellow teachers so it would be next to impossible to replicate that with another trainer...

 

thanks for the advice though

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Tell her that is very inappropriate, as a married woman, to be socializing with the trainer. You can tell her that trainers have a reputation for messing around with clients and that if he is doing these "walks" with her, chances are she has not been the only one he has gotten cozy with after hours. You can tell her that this kind of thing does not inspire trust in a marriage and that she has already lied to you...and that puts the marriage on shaky ground. Tell her that if she wants her marriage to continue then she needs to end these extracurricular activities with her trainer..and if she chooses not to, or chooses to sneak around then it doesn't bode well for the future of the marriage.

[Smythe]

There are other trainers...female too. How long is the contract up for? Doesn't the trainer have friends to hang out with other than his clients?

[Pez]

Thanks everyone, I think you guys cleared up some stuff for me.

[minou]

I think this is silly. I feel that, if she is comfortable introducing her to you, your having coffee with them or something, there is nothing wrong with her having him as a friend. A lot of people get close to their trainers and confide in them, hair stylists also. Personal trainers get a reputation because they have great bods and get hit on. He may just be a nice guy who needs advice post-breakup right now. do you really want to inhibit your wife's freedom? What happened to trust?

[Pez]

I agree about trust, but it goes both ways....you disturb that trust by lying about the walk. And the thing is, when I asked her about who was going to be there she told me the entire group, and then when she came back I asked her if everyone showed up...and she even made a story up about something one of them did..until I revealed I talked to one of the group members and they knew nothing about it....

 

Then she admitted that it was just the two of them.

[Smythe]

I think this is silly. I feel that, if she is comfortable introducing her to you, your having coffee with them or something, there is nothing wrong with her having him as a friend. A lot of people get close to their trainers and confide in them, hair stylists also. Personal trainers get a reputation because they have great bods and get hit on. He may just be a nice guy who needs advice post-breakup right now. do you really want to inhibit your wife's freedom? What happened to trust?

 

I think on paper it sounds cool, but if you are a single heterosexual male spending off time with a married woman (and don't even know the husband)...that's uncool and against man rules. If he wants advice, he can ask his single friends who broke up and are recovering.

 

It looks to me, Pez has trusted her. Unfortunately, there are red flags.

 

Trust is earned...everyday.

[catfeeder]

[...]One of the teachers she said was going to be there I have as a client and I was touched base with her earlier in the week because I knew she had time off. At the end of our conversation I mentioned something about it should be a good day for your bike ride tomorrow and she knew nothing about it.

 

Long story short, my wife admitted that she and the personal trainer went for a walk together downtown.

[...]

 

Sounds like your gut was telling you something, and then you caught her in a lie. Not good.

 

You're not overreacting from that point on. I'd ask wife what she's willing to do to earn back trust after lying, and if she's not willing to table Mr. Trainer in favor of saving your marriage, I'd consider this serious enough to seek legal advice.

[traderho]

Once she lied about spending alone time with her personal trainer all bets are off. No trust after that because she broke the trust. If she has not had a physical affair yet it is just a matter of time and I guarantee this is one of many wives this personal trainer is after. No single guy in his right mind would want to be "friends" with a married woman. Have you ever, ever heard of that?? You would have to be nuts to let her continue to see this guy!

[AbombSnowMan]

in my opinion if the training actually was group training with her and her other teachers then you have no reason to be jealous. However, since you caught her lying to you and hanging out with this person alone while trying to hide it from you, thats clearly not okay wether hes her personal trainer or not. I wouldn't let something like this go as i can't stand being lied to. Have a nice talk with her imo.

[pl3asehelp]

i'd ask wife what she's willing to do to earn back trust after lying, and if she's not willing to table mr. Trainer in favor of saving your marriage, i'd consider this serious enough to seek legal advice.

 

yes .

[D-Bone]

I agree about trust, but it goes both ways....you disturb that trust by lying about the walk. And the thing is, when I asked her about who was going to be there she told me the entire group, and then when she came back I asked her if everyone showed up...and she even made a story up about something one of them did..until I revealed I talked to one of the group members and they knew nothing about it....

 

Then she admitted that it was just the two of them.

 

you see after she admitted this to you what did you say??? Just give her a slap on the wrist??? I would have made it very clear that this is unacceptable and it is completely obvious she is pulled in by this trainers grasp. My girlfriend works at a gym and there are trainers all over. One of them is an aquantance friend but do i trust him when im not there? no. I trust her but i dont trust trainers. I know a few and that is a part of a reason they start that job. put your foot down and tell her that she either cease all contact with this guy and admit to what has happened up to this point or you may have to leave for a while or threaten that you will confront him and see her reaction. She stated he invited you all out for drinks yet your wife didnt tell you? obviously she wants him all to her self. this is really fishy man!! im sorry you gotta be going through this!