6 months and still crying every day!

[ladydayblues]

Last year was a very bad year. My father passed away, and then soon after, the person I thought I was going to marry broke up with me out of nowhere. It's been 6 months since he broke up with me and we've had no communication since then. I've been trying to fill that void. I've been in therapy, worked on school, had some career success, taken up kickboxing, practiced guitar, hung out with friends and family, met new people and have been on several dates, written journal entries, read numerous self-help books and articles, traveled, planned to move to a different state. But yet, I still think of my ex and cry about him every day. I can't even say if I've gotten any better -- sometimes it still feels like he just broke up with me! I know he probably moved on long ago, but to me it feels like yesterday that we spent so much time together. I have known him since I was 4 years old, we were friends for 20 years before we got involved. So not only am I mourning my father's death, but a 20 year friendship/3 year romance that I thought would turn into a forever relationship. We were both so young and immature, it was such a dumb idea to get involved with a life-long friend.

 

All I still think about is how things could have been way better between us if circumstances had been different (being more stable in our lives) and if I had been more communicative and assertive. I loved with all my heart and soul but didn't know how to show it properly - I pushed love away sometimes because I didn't think I deserved it and because I didn't want to get in the way of his career goals because I knew previous girls had done so. And then he said he didn't want to officially date me because he wasn't financially stable, but kept me around anyway for another 1.5 years, never officially breaking it off until 6 months ago. I keep thinking that I ruined this relationship that was "meant to be" since we'd known each other for so long and so well. It hurts so badly still to be given up on by someone who you thought understood you better than anyone else. I feel like he just lost faith in me.

 

I am happy with all other aspects of my life but this. It just seems so silly for me to still be in this mindset. I just want to let go and be happy. I'm an attractive, nice and smart person. I have a lot of friends and people who love me. There are other perfectly nice men I could date out there. But I still just want him

[vertigoxo]

You had a long history with this person so of course it's going to hurt. Do you want him back depsite everything that happened?

[ladydayblues]

Perhaps instead of saying "I want him" I should say "I miss him and I want to be in a proper relationship and to be loved." In the end, he didn't love me. I just can't imagine loving anyone else after this. I know logically it will happen. I suppose I'm just impatient.

[vertigoxo]

I wouldn't jump in conclusions that he didn't loved you. Perhaps he did but for some reason, thought the relationship wouldn't work out between you two at the time.

 

If it's meant to be, it'll happen. =]

[PandaEyes]

Perhaps instead of saying "I want him" I should say "I miss him and I want to be in a proper relationship and to be loved." In the end, he didn't love me. I just can't imagine loving anyone else after this. I know logically it will happen. I suppose I'm just impatient.

 

Abhhhh. Oh, I get teary just reading your posts. I remember when I was in about the same place as you. my ex broke up with me 6 months ago because he was just done with the relationship/me. he couldnt "deal" with me, and I think just wanted to be single and experience life on his own. I thought we were going to get married, even though it wasn't going to be for years. We are both 22 - almost 23 and have know each other and been close friends since we were 13. Similarly we have not spoken or been in any real contact since it ended. It is really really hard. I have also done every thing every break up manual/self help book and my therapist has told me to do, and it is getting easier. I dont cry every day any more, infact, i pretty much only cry or get really sad about it every once in a while. I still think about him alot though. All the time infact.

 

You are only 26, you are taking really positive action to help yourself like seeing a therapist and reading books, traveling, working out etc. A big thing for me (that usually results in crying) is thinking I am to blame, thinking its all my fault and that he is a perfect person, and that I can love him despite his flaws but that I am unlovable, undesirable, uninteresting and an all round bad person and was a terrible girlfriend..... Can you relate?

 

Re-read that sentence. Do you know a single person who fits that criteria? Do you reallllllly think he is perfect? I know I certainly don't and I know that I am certainly not those things. But when I think like that I really feel that I am all of those negtive things (pretty irrational!). Maybe by identifying the thought process that leads to you feeling down you can intervene. You are in control of your brain and your thoughts, not the other way around.

 

I posted this in another thread a few days ago, its something that I try to remember when I am freaking out and having a mass panic attack - usually thinking I will never meet any one as great again and never be so in love again or be so attracted to some one again and that I am going to remain single for the rest of my life and die alone with a hundred cats.....:

 

I am only 22 and a 2.9 year relationship wont define me OR the rest of my life.

 

Its the same for you - you're 26, think about it like this, you have $26, you leant some one you care about $3 and they don't want to pay you back and have run away with your $3.

 

 

its only $3....

 

Does this analogy make any sense?

 

I hope you are having a better day today sorry for rambling!

[ladydayblues]

Thank you for your responses!

 

I wouldn't jump in conclusions that he didn't loved you. Perhaps he did but for some reason, thought the relationship wouldn't work out between you two at the time.

 

I don't think he did love me because in the end when I was telling him how much I loved him he said "I'm sorry, I just don't feel the same way." He may have loved me in the beginning but I think for the 2nd half of the relationship he lost feelings for me.

 

I am only 22 and a 2.9 year relationship wont define me OR the rest of my life.

 

Its the same for you - you're 26, think about it like this, you have $26, you leant some one you care about $3 and they don't want to pay you back and have run away with your $3.

 

I do really like this analogy. In the grand scheme of things, this will not be a defining issue in our lives. In 10 years it will all be a blur. Panda Eyes I'm sorry you are going through the same thing because it is so hard. I hope to be more like you soon and crying less Do you think you could ever go back to a "normal" friendship with your ex again?

[PandaEyes]

I dont know. I would say most probably not, or at least, not any time soon, years away. I cant see him and even when I hear things about him (pretty much EVERY friend I have is a mutual friend...My bestfriend is married to his brother) I get really bad anxiety. My way of coping is complete avoidance of him.

 

I used to really want be his friend to and thought it was really important to maintain the friendship that the relationship grew from. Right now though, I want to do what is best for me and that does not involve any sort of friendship. When I am really down I really want it back but I know deep down that I couldn't handle it and I think it would push me backwards in terms of moving on and getting stronger. We might have been friends for 10 years, but why stay friends with some one if for the last 18mths of that relationship I was filled with uncertainty, anxiety, self loathing and self consciousness? GROSS! That is not who I am.

 

My ex is not a bad person at all, he is kind and generous. But - he is a really REALLY terrible boyfriend. I reckon your ex might be the same??

 

Now is probably the first time in ages you have the chance to be really selfish in some ways - you need to put yourself first, which you probably haven't done for a really long time. I know I hadn't. My whole life was about him.

[ladydayblues]

Yeah I feel like I'm in the same boat as you with the friends thing... some of my and my ex's friends are mutual and I have been avoiding any party or occasion where he might be showing up. Luckily I did have some other good friends which he wasn't really close with and I that's who I hang out with now. These are the friends he was trying to get me to leave and now I feel good about seeing them instead of guilty. It's weird how he kind of tainted my perception of these perfectly nice people while I was with him.

 

I haven't spoken or seen him due to the same reasons you stated - well being and not being able to handle it or hearing about his life without me and other girls he might be seeing. I've completely blocked him on FB, etc. I don't think he likes that and I feel slightly guilty... but it's what I have to do for myself to heal.

 

My ex too was a kind, responsible, person with good intentions. I also think he would have made an incredible boyfriend, he did a lot of nice things for me and that is why I stayed with him so long and waited for him to make it official. But he also took advantage of me a lot, and I let him and resented him for it. I guess in that sense we were not right for each other. I was completely miserable for a very long time. My therapist says that in the end he wasn't actually that great of a friend since he took advantage of me and kind of treated me like a mistress. I think though really, neither of us understood the extent to which we were hurting each other and if we had, things would have been MUCH different. I guess that's the part I kick myself over the most.

 

I think maybe someday, YEARS down the line, I could maybe be friends with my ex again. I do wish him the best. But yes, finally I can take time for myself and not care what he thinks about what I do or whom I hang out with. I miss my companion though. I was loving being single before this relationship! But after losing love, singledom seems pretty bleak.

[adamt]

i dont understand why people want to be friends with an ex when they hirt you so much. then when you have moved on and got a new partner whats the point in being friends with the ex. its not real friends just more like acquaintances. you dont make effor tto keep intouch you just make polite conversation if you bump into each other

[ladydayblues]

Good point adamt. I think the issue of being friends is more relevant to people who were good friends with their ex before the relationship happened. For me that was almost 20 years of friendship before getting involved. I guess to me friends like that are hard to come by, so I would hope that friendship could be salvageable at some point down the road. Right now I feel like I could never talk to him again, but who knows. If this were just someone I had met and started dating without being long term friends before hand, I wouldn't really mind cutting them off forever.

 

But I guess the focus shouldn't be on that right now, it should be on moving forward!

[silencedsin]

My grieving process has had so many false starts while I was being victimized by his uncertainty. I cry almost daily, somedays worse than others. It used to depend on whether or not he was being attentive, not at least that hope isn't getting in the way of my recovery.

 

Crying is good for you. It's our body's muscle relaxer. There is a lot of pain to explore with someone that you cared for for a long time.

 

Losing someone is like losing a limb. Sometimes it still feels like it's there and getting around without it takes getting used to. And in order to grieve, we have to get to know that pain and forgive ourselves for feeling it. Then we can let go and, yes, some day the pain will end.