confused

[benjamin73]

My girlfriend, or ex, of two yrs and I recently broke up about one week ago. There have been many ups and downs in our relationship but through it all I still believe she is the one I should be with. Here's the situation. She is a 37 year old mother of three children 18, 14, and 12. She has been married twice. The first ex is the father of the three children, if you want to call him a father. You get the picture. The second ex basically lied about who he was to get her and the inevitable happened. She works two jobs to support herself and the kids so as you may imagine time is limited. Her oldest has been in and out of trouble and still smokes pot. He dropped out of school but has recently received his GED and is attending a local community college now. He also recently found out the his on and off girlfriend is now pregnant and having the baby. I have had serious problems with him and the way he treats his mother. The most serious problem resulted in him assaulting me with a knife and he going to jail. I stopped him and was not injured other than a bloody nose. That was one year ago. I did not press charges and he did his probation. The middle child is mildly autistic and is basically a good kid other than what I feel is over exposure to things in large part because of his older brother who does not know how to filter his thoughts. The youngest is her daughter who I get along with the best. She is creative and bright but I feel that she does have problems connecting with her mother and others and withdraws many times.

 

I am 36, have one child, and have been divorced for the last three years. I met my girlfriend at work and we still currently work together so this breakup has been extremely difficult. I lived with her for about five months and moved out when I felt that the living environment was unsuitable for my son. There was constant arguing between my girlfriends son and her and then the assualt occurred. I have been living on my own since. My girlfriend and I stayed together but have had so many issues since. After all of that I could not bring myself to have my son in her household. I kept him away and have been apprehensive to reintroduce him into their lives. I am a full time Dad or at least as much as a divorced Dad can be. My ex and I have shared custody and his main residence is with her. I get him on Mon, Wed, and he stays over night with me on Fri through Sat early evening. This is my schedule every week. I love my son deeply. I also love my girlfriend deeply. At this point I am at a crossroads of what to do. My girlfriend wants more of a commitment at this point and now feels like I have been stringing her along. I do not blame her for her wants and would like very much to stay with her and make a commitment but my fears for my son are holding me back. The other fact is that she is at a different time of her life. She is much closer to the end of raising her children and I am just beginning. We have both expressed deep love and the wanting to be together for the rest of our lives but for me I can not make that decision so easily because of my son. I don't want stop living but I my son is priority. What I also know is that I don't what the future may bring. Me staying together with my girlfriend may not do any harm to my son but the unknown is sometimes difficult to deal with. I am, as I said, at a crossroads and don't know what to do. I am heart broken and just want happiness for all of us. Small thing to ask for huh? Of course there's always more to the story but that's basically it in a nutshell.

[sidehop]

Welcome to the forum!

 

How is the environment without the oldest son? Is it still not a healthy environment? I'm assuming he will be moving out of the house soon if he has not done so?

 

I understand that she may want more commitment but I would never expose my child to such environment where such violence occurred. On the days your son is home with you especially on weekdays can she come to you? Perhaps with the other two younger children? And I'm assuming you can see her when your son's with his mother? It may not be full time but if your girlfriend's living environment is not suitable in my opinion you don't really have any choice but to work around the schedule until her children are older and the family is stable.