Telling my best friend I like her

[Keraron]

Letter or chat text to my best friend whom I want to tell that I like her (and who really flirted with me at the beginninng, but I wasn't forthcoming enough), but also guarantee that we will stay friends if she isn't interested:

"I wanted to say that I really liked you back then, but I acted like a jealous teenager and said judgmental things about you just because I wasn't able to come out with my feelings. I was especially scared by the guy who told he was your boyfriend, but turned out to be a liar. I feel like it is killing me to keep it hidden from you, especially because you're my best friend, and think it is right that you know it. I still like you very much and would be the happiest man on Earth if you reciprocated but even if you don't I will always stay your best friend."

 

I REALLY can't handle telling it to her in person, especially because she's abroad now - and via phone I would be discouraged by her voice.

 

I've been having nightmares and feeling physical pain for not telling her.

 

Is it ok?

[jettison]

You simply can't write a letter. Just don't do it. If you don't have the gumption to face her and tell her who you really are - someone who wants to be with her - then how are you going to be brave enough to be her man?

 

Putting yourself in a place that might get you rejected is an absolute prerequisite when it comes to romance. And since she wants a man, be a man, man up, and tell it to her face. Wait till you see her again in person.

 

Also, there is no guarantee that you'll stay friends. It doesn't work like that. Romance has no guarantees, and that's part of what makes is a romantic relationship. You usually can't have it both ways. And if you put yourself out there and do end up getting rejected, the friendship will no longer be even.... at least until you fall in love with someone new.

[Keraron]

You simply can't write a letter. Just don't do it. If you don't have the gumption to face her and tell her who you really are - someone who wants to be with her - then how are you going to be brave enough to be her man?

 

Putting yourself in a place that might get you rejected is an absolute prerequisite when it comes to romance. And since she wants a man, be a man, man up, and tell it to her face. Wait till you see her again in person.

 

The point is: The "man" part here is about NOT waiting until we see each other again. Because I am sure I won't see her for at least another 6 months, which is a lot of time.

If I wait until then she might have a new boyfriend.

 

Also, there is no guarantee that you'll stay friends. It doesn't work like that. Romance has no guarantees, and that's part of what makes is a romantic relationship. You usually can't have it both ways. And if you put yourself out there and do end up getting rejected, the friendship will no longer be even.... at least until you fall in love with someone new.

If that truly is romance, which honestly makes it seem like a silly childish game, I wonder why the hell it is more important than friendship to some people.

 

For me friendship is the BASIS of all important relationships. I would never marry a woman whom I have no "guarantees" about.

 

To hell with romance if it really is like that.

 

How can it be anything "serious" if it can destroy a friendship?

 

*confused by definitions, confused by life, hates these norms on love and friendship*

[jettison]

The point is: The "man" part here is about NOT waiting until we see each other again. Because I am sure I won't see her for at least another 6 months, which is a lot of time.

If I wait until then she might have a new boyfriend.

 

You can't capture and own someone that way. That won't bring her closer to you. That will push her farther away from you. Why not try to start a relationship when she comes back? If you really love her, and there's something between the two of you, it will still be there when she comes back. If it wasn't meant to be, then it won't happen. You're simply not in a great position to make this happen, and it's likely to come off as projection to her if you dump all this on her right now. Wait until you can do it for real, and you can do it in a way that comes off as genuine and not a need of yours to own her. If she is truly your friend, tell her how fond of her you are romantically, but don't dump a bunch of heavy stuff on her, stuff that she won't be able to truly deal with or process since she's so far away right now. A friend wouldn't do that to someone.

 

 

If that truly is romance, which honestly makes it seem like a silly childish game, I wonder why the hell it is more important than friendship to some people.

 

If friendship is the most important to you then just stay friends with her.

 

For me friendship is the BASIS of all important relationships. I would never marry a woman whom I have no "guarantees" about.

 

Friendship is the basis of every important relationship, no doubt, but if you're looking for a guarantee then good luck with that one. You won't ever find it. And if you think a marriage certificate gives it to you, just a simple piece of paper handed you by the state, then it simply means that you have fooled yourself into believing in that kind of safety.

 

Just like with life, love is temporary, and there are no guarantees. There never were, and there never will be. Words and expressions, all those confessions of where you stand.... A wise man once said that "promises We speak the way we breath" in the end, and "present air we'll have to do."

 

Love is both a choice and an ability, but it's not something you chose one day, and then the rest of your life falls into place. It's hard work. You choose to explore that talent and tap into it each and every day that you're with your partner, and that's the way love lasts.

 

To hell with romance if it really is like that.

 

Then to your ends, "to hell with romance."

 

How can it be anything "serious" if it can destroy a friendship?

 

There has never been a romantic love that wasn't capable of destroying a friendship. If that love couldn't destroy a friendship then by definition it could not be romantic love. The highest form of love is compassion, however, and that's why so many wise people end up valuing friendship over their romantic entanglements.

 

Someday, you will think that you have "arrived", and you'll have found your "one and only". And when you're existing in that Universe, all will be true. That will be your life. It will be a "guarantee". It will last "forever". But eventually, if you can step back enough, and once you do, you'll come to a new understanding of it all.

 

*confused by definitions, confused by life, hates these norms on love and friendship*

 

We're all confused, and for the rest of your days, if you remain smart, inquisitive, and wise, you will remain confused. It's when you start thinking that you have it all figured out that you truly get into trouble, and the Universe will always be there to gently (and sometimes not so gently) remind you that we're all but "an element in a sea of enthalpic organic compounds."

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Please don't send her this. It comes off a bit immature and unattractive.

 

Nothing is gonna make this girl fall for you like having you look into her eyes and saying "I'm crazy about you." I agree with jettison, girls don't want letters or texts or emails, we want a man who is willing to make a fool of himself for us.

 

I had a close friend tell me he loved me once, and it wasn't reciprocated. He did it over the phone and was a bit of a mess about it, kept calling me his "friend" and his "mate" then blurted out that he loved me. I had heard him say the word "friend" so many times during that conversation that I couldn't picture him as a lover. Probably the reason why I never gave him a chance.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Please don't send her this. It comes off a bit immature and unattractive.

 

Nothing is gonna make this girl fall for you like having you look into her eyes and saying "I'm crazy about you." I agree with jettison, girls don't want letters or texts or emails, we want a man who is willing to make a fool of himself for us.

 

I had a close friend tell me he loved me once, and it wasn't reciprocated. He did it over the phone and was a bit of a mess about it, kept calling me his "friend" and his "mate" then blurted out that he loved me. I had heard him say the word "friend" so many times during that conversation that I couldn't picture him as a lover. Probably the reason why I never gave him a chance.

 

I think had you truly been interested in him you would have been more "forgiving". It is very possible that this guy had an inkling that his feelings weren't reciprocated so that is why he did a lot more fumbling around with his words and couldn't tell you to your face. While I agree that these things are best done in person, I think sometimes women don't cut men some slack and expect them to be a lot braver than they would ever be. It is not fair to hold men to a certain standard that women are not prepared to uphold. I see on this forum how women cringe at the thought of asking a guy out or telling the guy how she feels about him, and yet she expects him to not have the same fears.

[Keraron]

OK you all convinced me - I won't send her that letter, or even tell any of this until we meet again.

 

But I will never give up on my wish to have friendship as the basis for anything else.

 

Who is not my friend will not be my lover.

 

I'd rather stay a virgin and become a priest.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

I think had you truly been interested in him you would have been more "forgiving". It is very possible that this guy had an inkling that his feelings weren't reciprocated so that is why he did a lot more fumbling around with his words and couldn't tell you to your face. While I agree that these things are best done in person, I think sometimes women don't cut men some slack and expect them to be a lot braver than they would ever be. It is not fair to hold men to a certain standard that women are not prepared to uphold. I see on this forum how women cringe at the thought of asking a guy out or telling the guy how she feels about him, and yet she expects him to not have the same fears.

 

 

But that's just the point. She's not expecting this from him, and I wasn't expecting this from my friend. If men want us to see them in a different light, a more sexually attractive and romantic light, then they are not going to do it by fumbling around and saying that they will just settle for being friends.... What's the point in saying you have feelings for someone if you can ignore them and still be friends without any difficulty?

[Keraron]

What's the point in saying you have feelings for someone if you can ignore them and still be friends without any difficulty?

 

Because maybe they are not ignoring you nor having any difficulty, but sacrificing a deal of their energy to overcome it or not think about it?

 

I could be good friends with her, but she would be my best friend and I would really suffer to see her with someone else. But as a Christian person, and as a person educated to endure when we cannot have everything we want, I would learn to accept it for the sake of just being present with her.

 

What sounds as fumbling around may actually be a lot of suffering because of the insecurity of loosing your overall presence.

[jettison]

But that's just the point. She's not expecting this from him, and I wasn't expecting this from my friend. If men want us to see them in a different light, a more sexually attractive and romantic light, then they are not going to do it by fumbling around and saying that they will just settle for being friends.... What's the point in saying you have feelings for someone if you can ignore them and still be friends without any difficulty?

 

Definitely, definitely true. If you can't risk all for love, and show that you are willing to risk all, it's pretty doubtful that you'll find that love. And if a man is unwilling to put himself in a place to get rejected, it shows the woman that he either has no courage, or has no heart. Either way, he will remain just a friend, or nothing at all.

 

It's counter intuitive sometimes for the man, but making seemingly outrageous demands, clearly defining your wants, and being unabashed and unashamed to say it, mean almost everything. Put yourself up there to fail, and make it a grand possibility that you might fail catastrophically. If you can do that, then you are getting it. If you can't, it's like you're watching a marathon on T.V. and then writing or tweeting about it, but never actually bothering to pin on a number and line up at the starting line.

[Keraron]

Definitely, definitely true. If you can't risk all for love, and show that you are willing to risk all, it's pretty doubtful that you'll find that love. And if a man is unwilling to put himself in a place to get rejected, it shows the woman that he either has no courage, or has no heart. Either way, he will remain just a friend, or nothing at all.

 

I mean.. you may be right. But the more I read this, what you just wrote, the more I feel like the best way of showing courage is to write her an e-mail explaining her at least the REASONS or the BACKGROUND of my insecurities (these include that I met her through a guy who claimed to be her boyfriend, which in reality was not true. It put a lot of pressure on me at that time. Lots of guilt, lots of moral dilemmas, uncertainty, and so on... which in turn I projected on her through being judgmental and jealous) - I do want to apologize for those.

 

I do feel that writing her such e-mail would put me in a place to get rejected.

 

Much more than telling it into her eyes.

 

P.S.: My problem is also this. Since some time I've been telling her repeatedly that I need to tell her something. So if I don't tell her this, what shall I tell her? I should invent some excuse..?

[jettison]

No, you're not getting it completely. You're offering qualifiers, backtracking, explaining, fumbling... Women hate that stuff. Take her by the hand, claim her, make her yours, make no apologies for what you feel toward her, and make it the most natural transaction of emotions possible.

 

All of my best love affairs happened when I just didn't give a flying bleep anymore and took huge, huge, unapologetic risks. Be reckless, live with some abandon, don't explain yourself, and just stand up for who you are and what you want. Let her figure out the rest. Don't explain. That will get you "friendzoned" as the kiddies are so fond of saying.

[Keraron]

No, you're not getting it completely. You're offering qualifiers, backtracking, explaining, fumbling... Women hate that stuff. Take her by the hand, claim her, make her yours, make no apologies for what you feel toward her, and make it the most natural transaction of emotions possible.

 

All of my best love affairs happened when I just didn't give a flying bleep anymore and took huge, huge, unapologetic risks. Be reckless, live with some abandon, don't explain yourself, and just stand up for who you are and what you want. Let her figure out the rest. Don't explain. That will get you "friendzoned" as the kiddies are so fond of saying.

 

OK... so I have to wait until we truly meet again.

 

And what do I do in the meantime, especially with what I already started halfway ("I want to tell you something important..."), but also during all the time left until we will meet?

 

Thanks