How often do you change for you spouse?

[doityourself]

Me and my husband was talking last night, I didnt tell anyone on here but we have been trying to sell our condo for 2 years now and finally did.

 

Now we have always planned to go back to florida once my husband finished school, but now 9 years later(5 years after graduation) we are buying a house here.

 

I hate it here, hate the cold weather, the fast paced lifestyle, the snobby people. But with the job situation the way it is, we have no choice but to stay on.

 

Plus now that my children are getting older they dont want to leave friends/schools etc. When I was a child we moved every time the rent was due so I know what its like to move around and Im willing to stay here for my children and my husband even though I know its not something I want to do.

 

My question is how many of you have given up a huge sacrifice (yes me living here is huge to me) and not hold grudges in the end?

[DN]

Are you really making a sacrifice or choosing the lesser of two evils? For instance, if you were to go to Florida by yourself how much would you have to sacrifice to do that?

[Cognitive_Canine]

You're not just sacrificing for him though...it's for your whole family.

 

I've given up a lot for my Long distance boyfriend. But, it was always worth it.

[doityourself]

Are you really making a sacrifice or choosing the lesser of two evils? For instance, if you were to go to Florida by yourself how much would you have to sacrifice to do that?

 

 

I have a ten year old and a 5 year old, I do believe that kids need both parents and I want to do everything in my power to make that happen.

 

But what happens when the kids leave, what if another reason comes up so that we cant go then either?

 

And I have sacrificed alot, I spent 8 years with my husband when he was in the military, we moved every 3-4 years, he did 3 6 month cruises not counting all the other required time they required from him.

 

I came here for him to go to school, now he loves his job and likes it here, his family is only 2 hours away. I have no friends all my family is 23 hours away.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I have a ten year old and a 5 year old, I do believe that kids need both parents and I want to do everything in my power to make that happen.

 

But what happens when the kids leave, what if another reason comes up so that we cant go then either?

 

It sounds like you are staying together for the kids?

[JonasWaingaro]

I gave up a lot in my LTR, and sacrificed a few things. I did it willingly because it was worth it. She also gave up things, made sacrifices. I would ask you, isn't your husband also making a sacrifice by staying there? I assume all things being equal (job, house, etc) he would go back to the Fla? Think of it as a shared sacrifice if you can. Because it usually is in some sense.

 

edit: oh, I see new details! Hmm, that is a lil' different then...

[Cognitive_Canine]

I gave up a lot in LTR, and sacrificed a few things. I did it willingly because it was worth it. She also gave up things, made sacrifices. I would ask you, isn't your husband also making a sacrifice by staying there? I assume all things being equal (job, house, etc) he would go back to the Fla? Think of it as a shared sacrifice if you can. Because it usually is in some sense.

 

Relationships where the sacrifices are equal are the best. I agree.

 

If one is doing all the sacrificing, then resentment will occur.

[JonasWaingaro]

Relationships where the sacrifices are equal are the best. I agree.

 

If one is doing all the sacrificing, then resentment will occur.

 

Nod, I agree completely. OP it sounds like you have given and sacrificed a lot. I can see how/why resentments could creep in. Have you voiced these fears to him?

[BellaDonna]

But what happens when the kids leave, what if another reason comes up so that we cant go then either?

 

Is there any room for a compromise?

 

For example- Could you purchase another property in FL and plan to use it as a retirement property? Or a vacation spot in the winter for when the kids have vacation?

 

I know a lot of snowbirds that have rental properties in FL (i.e. multi-family home) that they use part-time while renting a portion of it out while they are away to support the cost.

[DN]

Is it that you spouse is against going to Florida or that circumstances preclude it? If he promised to go and the reneged just because he didn't want to go that would be one thing. But that doesn't seem to be the case here - there are practical reasons as well.

[Seraphim]

In the end I think to avoid resentment and BELIEVE me I know it is hard, is we have to realise it is a group effort. A family is never about the one anymore and I am very sure you know that. Really, if it is not foresee ably going to change why be upset? You know what I mean? Does it seem realistic to be upset about what is not going to change?

[doityourself]

Thanks All for answering,

 

I guess I was just whinning about not be able to have it my way. I do love my husband and boys so I would give up everything to make them happy and at peace.

 

It feels like weve talked this to death, he says he wants to move back down south but then he doesnt look for a job. Or he will look on the internet and get discouraged and that will be the end of it until I bring it up again. I feel like Im badgering him most of the time, he asked me not to bring it up anymore.

 

So I havent, and he hasnt....Now were buying a house here. We now talk more along the lines of getting back down there when the kids graduate high school, but thats 12 long years away. My 5 year old will just be starting kindergarden this year.

 

The plan was always to go back to Florida, when he was in the military we would talk/plan about it for hours at a time.

 

Ok, so I can stay here for that long, will I be miserable?? Probably, not with my home life but my surroundings. After living in a condo for 9 years it will be nice to have a back yard with a fence at that. Plus it is 2 blocks away from the schools.

 

So there are upsides to this, my boys will go to the same schools, have the same friends, the same house growing up. Live within 2 hours of grandparents that actually act like adults. I want to give them that.

 

My husband loves his job, loves the winters, acts like he could be happy anywhere.

 

But will I be lost in the mix along the way, what can I do to make this a better place for me? Is that selfish, am I overacting??

[DN]

But will I be lost in the mix along the way,

If all that is missing from your life is living in Florida then really you should not be lost in the mix - you already have a life that many people would give a lot for. I think you need to look at this in perspective. Not everyone can have all that they want in this life - and life in Florida may not have been all that you dreamed it would be anyway.

[doityourself]

Thanks DN

 

I need to get over the grass would be greener.....Im going to keep working on that because what it the alternative? Leaving is not an option, not without all my boys going with me. So here is to another day in cold IL. Atleast the sun is shining today.

[BellaDonna]

If the cold winters get you down I think it would be a good idea to try to schedule a vacation to a warm location, that you could look forward to each winter. It would help to break up the winter a bit.

[doityourself]

Do you talk about going back "home"? I find myself making side remarks about comparing the two states and how much I like FL better. I know that is a problem for him. I cant seem to help it.

 

With my husband being ex military we moved for the first 8 years our our marriage around 8 times. Then we came here and weve been in our condo for 9 years, I would say that Ive settled here. We both have jobs, he actually loves his job, has friends makes decent money. I also work part time in legal field, which is nice because I can go around the boys school schedules.

 

The really hard thing is that Im use to southern lifestyle. Where people say "How yal doin" even if they are mad or in a bad mood they still smile at you. Here we live in a college town for one so its either bars, shopping or going out to eat, plus alot of college kids running around. Then all around you see nothing but corn fields. And the weather on top of that, its to darn cold here. I dont think certain parts of my body have seen sun in over 16 years. Who heard of piling 300 people in a public pool and be able to actually enjoy yourself is beyond me.

 

Ok so enough complaining about it, just trying to come to terms as this is the life I chose, this is what I want for my boys. They are number one in the big picture of things. So Im settled........

 

Thanks again EVERYONE.