Can they really love you?

[Leighton]

I've been wrestling with a lot of thoughts lately.. about the fact that I don't even think my ex boyfriend ever loved me.

 

He emotionally abused me, and has done it to his past girlfriends as well. He was "in love" with me after 2 weeks, by 1 year he fell out of love with me but "stayed with me to try and fall in love again" (I was emotionally abusive to him as well), but I know that he just used me for sex at that point where as I thought he wanted me with him for the company. Then he dropped me as soon as he "fell in love" with someone else. I feel really hurt because it feels like he never even loved me.

 

Do these narcissistic, emotionally abusive men really love someone? I can't for the life of me fathom their thought process.

 

It's killing me because even though I abused him, I know I loved him. 3 months later, here I am still picking up the pieces, and he's moved on.

 

I just want to know how someone like that's brain works.. I know it doesn't matter but the worst feeling for me, is thinking that I loved him all along when all he wanted was something to distract him from his previous relationship. His ex of 5 yrs had enough of him, and walked out on him and it seemed like his ego was very destroyed from that. He had a lot of trouble coping with it claiming he "hated her" and she was a terrible human being for breaking up with him over the phone.

 

So, was I just a distraction? I really think I was, and it makes it all harder and makes me even angrier.

[mgirl]

Yeah, i know what you mean. I felt like play-ground equipment at one stage, good enough to climb all over in bed, but not good enough to respect.

 

But, it's more of a reflection on them, not you. The real losers are the people that cannot love, cos they will continue to have vacuous relationships until they realise what they are doing.

 

Good on you for realising you emotionally abused him too. I was vile to my ex in the end because i got sick of being told i was nasty, aggressive and abusive, when 85% of the time i was being honest about my emotions in a very forthright way. In the end, i sent 15 emails, one after the other, saying the most nasty things. I don't know, it's like i had all this poison in my system, and i had to get it out. Worst thing is, it vindicated her point of view though, so she has come out of it looking "right".

 

Anyway, i diverge. Some people like your ex are still trying to avoid anything emotional, even at age 40+. I know somebody like that. I actually feel sorry for them. I dated this person when i was 23 and didn't think i'd ever get over it. Well, i did...

 

That is how you'll probably end up too, because you really move on, and they don't. To answer your question, they're either incapable of love, or too afraid.

[Leighton]

Really hope so mgirl.. it's heart breaking to think you know someone so well when they are actually the complete opposite! I just wanna be over it and not care.

[mgirl]

Know the feeling, about wanting to be over it!

 

My sister used to call it the "snowball" effect. Imagine all your (their) unresolved issues are a snow ball. As you keep running, the snowball of trouble behind you keeps getting bigger and bigger, till it eventually bowls you over! Lol...

 

I love that analogy

[AutumnBorn]

The problem is that mixed-up, crazy, gotta have you feeling is only a neurological chemical reaction, not love. Once the endorphins and seratonin levels return to normal, what you have left is either love or not.

 

He probably thinks love is the chemical thing and when that's subsided, he's off for the next high.

 

My ex said he loved me, but he thought passion was a sex act. He had no idea there even was emotional passion until it was explained to him. It struck me as incredibly odd that he didn't realize something was missing. What did he think inspired poetry, songs, books, and movies about love? That "meh" feeling he had for me? Sad, isn't it?