Need a little help

[tmills0011607306452]

There are days when I am strong, I tell myself that everything will be all right, and I am strong. But I find it very difficult at times. I really do not have a support group to rely upon. I gave up those people for the relationship long ago. (Not that I gave up friends, I gave up loosers that were bringing me down) I have started to notice changes in myself... I am starting to drink just to be able to get at least 1 maybe to 2 hours of sleep a night. All of which is futile until I dream of her.

 

I do try to go out and find things to do, but all of the activities, just remind me of her. ex: Last saturday, I was DJing and had a very great night. I spin techno (EDM) and had the place really moving. Next I just grabbed for a record without looking, and mixed into it. I started to cry very heavily, in front of a very large crowd. I didn't stop for about a good 15 minutes. It's very difficult to persue any of my passions without thinking of her.

 

I used to have a great group of best friends , but they all had moved to other cities to persue their life. During that time, I managed to become best friends as all of us do in relationships. Even though, what she did to me, I still want a friendship and she keeps telling me that she would like that also. But every time she talks to me, it would seem that there is a large amount of angst towards me. We both still share the same apartment, but I will be moving out this weekend. I know that may help me a little. I do know that I have to disappear from her life either for a while or permanently for both of us to get back our sanity.

 

It's kind of funny though... When I met her she had no one at all, no friends, no family in the area.... Now after I had introduced her to a few mutual aquaintences, the tides have turned. I now have no one and she has "friends" to help her in her decisions.

 

I know that I need to disappear from her altogether, but what scares me is the lack of a support structure. On top of that the people I am moving in with are a little weird. Yeah, I feel very alone. It's just a matter of how to deal with it.

 

I am worried also that once I disappear, she will really start to miss me. Her new friends are the type to be very unstable at a friendship. They will dis her at a moments notice, and most of them will be moving away in a month. I don't want her to mis me for the wrong reasons and try to get back with me. I do want to be her friend, and I am hopeful that she will see her wrongdoings and be greatful for what she had and try to make things right, but hell, that really doesn't happen at all in life. Even though in a previous relationship I was dumped as well, I did the same things to my ex ex. I guess things really do come full circle.

 

I'm just scared to be alone, and be devoid of the things that make me happy. I know I had to cut out alot of my previous life in order to help me grow as a person, but I think I comprimised myself in the long run. I have been struggling with depression for the last three years, and have blamed many things to cause it. Now that I have fixed all of those, I still find myself depressed. I am very scared, because I am not mentally well. Issues like finances, carrer goals, self image (I know I am good looking, but humble about it), are set, they are in good standing order. But I do not know why I am unhappy and not motivated.... I have tried to go out and meet new friends, but the people in Washington DC are a hard lott to meet and make friends.

 

I have been trying to get help, but unfortunate for me, I am in the military, I do not have the luxory of picking my shrink. I have to see who they pick for me. And this individual is a cocky turd head. I think I am ready for the medication. I don't know what I am asking, maybe one thing or a whole lot at once. Has anyone had similar situations?

[brandos lovechild]

hiya tmills . she sounds like the scum of the earth . im sorry that happened to you and wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. i cant understand why you would want to be friends with her? friends are supposed to be decent ppl who share your interests and can do things for you ... she is the complete opposite. tmills to get thru this you r pretty much gonna have to destroy any souvenir of your relationship that u have, dont call her or talk to her...there would be nothing to gain from it ! good luck

[tmills0011607306452]

Well, after a week of complete heck, I tried to talk to her one last time. All I was given was complete greif. But I felt very good about it. All of the sudden alot of the anxiety and the greif went down. It's still holding a little strong. It's hard when I dream abouyt her when I wake up, but then as soon as I go to work, I think about what went wrong. I never went wrong. I was everything she ever wanted. Degree, Follows life's passions, (And a Dj too!) I even grew into a mature relationship. But all in all she bored, gave up because she wasn't matured and found someone else.

 

I now know not to comprimise myself. Someone will be out there for me some day. It sucks now because I still live with her, and probably will see her maybe one or two more times before we close out the lease. But after that, I know the healing process will be that much easier. Thank you guys for the kick in the arse. Love isn't worth it unless each other is truly into each other completely. Just like my love afair with my turntables.... They love me back! (Sorry, there's no sexual relationship though... )