Feeling really depressed and sorry for myself.. a long story!

[STEVE 09]

Hiya everyone,

 

This is one of my first posts on this forum which I have registered with to put accross how I am feeling at the moment and get some friendly advice. I'm sorry but it's quite a long story, but will try and keep it as brief as I can.

 

I'm a 31 year old man living with my dad and stepmum. I have a good steady job in the town centre although I'm soon to lose this job which I'll come back to later on. I have been living here for a little over 5 years now, after living with my older obsessive brother who to put it into as few words as possible, is a complete and utter control freak. He used to boss me around daily, ''do this'', ''do that'' and used to shout his head of at me for the slightest things, such as playing my music too loudly, or having my TV in my bedroom on too loudly.

 

I will come back to that later on, but I will rewind things a little and tell you what I think could be the heart of my problems I'm having now. When I was 18 my mum developed lung cancer. It was just us two, me and my mum living in a council flat. When she became very ill due to the treatment, I helped as best I could and give her everything she needed. Towards the end of her life, she was mostly bed bound and I looked after her, buying in the shopping, cleaning the house and trying to do the best I could for her. Well, eventually she was taken into a local hospice and stayed there until she passed away. When she passed away it hit me in a very strange way. For the first few weeks, even after her funeral, I hadn't properly grieved for her. I'd cry in fits and starts, I almost felt too proud to be openly upset about her death. Now looking back, it almost seems that I've been grieving in stages.

 

Now onto my problem. I've always been really shy and quiet by nature, but losing my mother like this and living with my obsessive brother seemed to push me further and further into deep depression and deeper into my shell. It didn't help when I was 12 years old when my mum and dad got divorced which I recall hit me really hard at the time and affected my schooling and my behaviour.

 

Anyway, I went to councilling about 3 years after my mum died as I was feeling really depressed and very low in self confidence. This did me no favours at all as they expected me to simply pick myself up and attend social gatherings, something I wouldn't dream of doing at that time, so eventually I gave up the councilling as it was actually making me feel worse, a whole lot worse in fact. I was also feeling really depressed at the fact I was single, 25 years old and still hadn't had a girlfriend. This is still effecting me even now which I'll come back to later, but at this time it really got me down in quite a big way.

 

Going back to living with my older brother, not only was he almost impossible to live with, but he also stole of me twice (he had a long history of stealing of the family, including my late mum and auntie many years ago), so something had to give. Me and my dad had not spoken in years, but I began to realise just how important he was in my life, especially after my mums death, so I got in contact with him. I went through a routine of going to his house every weekend for about a year, catching up on old times. After a year I decided to move in with him and my stepmum which is the best thing I've ever done and I was finally rid of my horrible older brother. For the first time in many years I actually felt like I belonged somewhere. My dad and stepmum also have a son (my half brother) who I also love to bits. It just felt so great being part of a family atmosphere again.

 

Anyway, I've only had these feelings recently until I was told I am being made redundant from my job at the end of March, but I've been feeling really depressed again and feeling lonely, wishing I had a girlfriend etc. I've joined dating websites, sent numerous nice, polite messages to different girls but have had no luck at all. Now only last week, my younger half brother who is now 18, came home from college saying that he's very good friends with a girl, went to the cinema with her and is really fancies her and he thinks she really fancies him. Now, I don't like to come accross as all jealous, but I can't help it. Ever since I've been hit with thoughts like 'Why can't I have this much luck with women?'. I wouldn't mind but he is very shy like me as well and we are almost identical in that respect, yet he's been really lucky and got himself potentially a girlfriend.

 

Now I keep thinking back to when I was 18 and thinking of all the troubles I had with my mum, older brother etc and just feel like I'm cursed sometimes. I've just never had any luck at all and when things seem to be going my way, something else will happen to barricade my chances of success.

 

This probably stems from my mums death in a roundabout way, maybe I'm still grieving I'm not sure, even though she passed away nearly 12 years ago now. I've always had thoughts and hopes of getting a girlfriend and it's only really been in recent months I've been actively pursuing getting a girlfriend. But my shyness gets in the way everytime.

 

So it just really depresses me to see my younger 18 year old half brother getting on with his life, finding happiness with a girl. I'm sorry for all this 'feeling sorry for myself' attitude, but I can't help it. I'm just so depressed. It doesn't help matters now that I'm facing losing my job at the end of the month as well.

 

The positives about this is that I'm living with my dad and stepmum who are really supportive, although my dad can be somewhat old fashioned sometimes, but he means well most of the time. So things could be worse and I try to grab those positives in my life and keep hold of them, but I'm struggling to do that.

 

Sorry for the essay, lol, but just feel I need to open up about this and share my problem with someone as it is really affecting me at the moment. Any friendly advice, either negative or possitive would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks for reading

[ncnc]

Are you actively looking for another job? Also have you been on any dates? Your mother would want you to be happy - remember that! You sound like your in a good place with the family side of things now, that is great! so be happy for that! You need to put alot of effort into looking for a new job, think positively, you never know an even better job may be round the corner!

[STEVE 09]

Yeah I've been for 2 interviews already but wasn't successful with them. It is so hard to get a permanent job these days. I'm still looking on a daily basis through the local Jobs websites so hopefully something will turn up.

 

My main worry is not having a girlfriend. I didn't mention this in my post, but I was involved in a relationship with a girl I met through my step mum's sister of all people about 5 years ago now. Sadly the relationship ended after just 5 months. This will be a big turn off to some people, but at the time I was really insecure. I met her just as I was leaving the flat which I shared with my older brother. I sent her flowers quite a few times delivered to where she worked and I texted and called her frequently. She eventually got sick of this and probably rightly so and called off the relationship. I was extremely gutted by this as we had a few really great weekends together. But I've now learned from this and will never resort to those tactics if the opportunity arose again.

 

I'm trying to stay positive and as you say my mum wouldn't want me feeling like this, so really need to keep that in mind.

[ncnc]

Try not to get to disheartened with the job search, your right it is really hard out there at the mo but that is why extra effort has to go in to searching! You have got to spend hours and hours looking, sign up to all the job sites, buy the job papers, search jobs on Gumtree everyday! Have faith and stay positive!

 

I dont think you sending your ex flowers had anything to do with things not working out, most girls would looove this (me included ) so please dont think you shouldnt do this! Have you tried EHarmony?? a dating site for people who want a long term relationship.

[STEVE 09]

Thanks for the advice. I will keep looking for a new job, I'm sure something will turn up fingers crossed. I'm feeling in a more positive frame of mind today. Yesterday when I made my post I was feeling really low. I tend to feel like this from time to time. It was just one of my off-days.

 

Thanks again for the advice

[ncnc]

That is great you are feeling better

 

As far as the dating goes you did mention that it bothers you alot not having a girlfriend, so make sure you put yourself out there! That is the only way to get opportunities! Sitting on your ass at home wishing you had someone will get you no where! so try EHarmony and other sites, have a good respectful but exciting profile, a good pic and send LOTS of messages.

 

Are you in the UK or US?

[STEVE 09]

That is great you are feeling better

 

As far as the dating goes you did mention that it bothers you alot not having a girlfriend, so make sure you put yourself out there! That is the only way to get opportunities! Sitting on your ass at home wishing you had someone will get you no where! so try EHarmony and other sites, have a good respectful but exciting profile, a good pic and send LOTS of messages.

 

Are you in the UK or US?

 

I live in the UK. I've joined about 3 or 4 free dating sites so will see how that goes. I've joined dating sites in the past and not had much luck with them, but my profile is really honest, not too long and not too short and is positive and constructive, so hopefully I should receive some replies.

 

But as you say, you're right I really need to get off my ass and do something about this having no girlfriend situation. I definitely won't find my future partner sitting at home or at work all day. I'm very shy and anxious by nature, so going out to clubs and pubs is out of the question, especially on my own, so dating sites is probably my best option at the moment. As long as I'm open and honest, which I am, then hopefully I will have success with it, fingers crossed.

 

Thanks again for your help