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He thinks I'm cheating/will cheat?


DrKitten

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I've been with my boyfriend for just over 3 months. Overall, things are great and we're pretty happy. But I'm starting to wonder if he has trust issues and is trying to mask some insecurity.

 

Sometimes he makes comments about me leaving him or cheating on him, usually in the form of a sarcastic joke. He's in the military and this summer he'll be gone for a few weeks at a time to do training for a new job. After being an official couple for a few weeks, he toned down on the "you better not leave me/break my heart/f*ck another dude while I'm gone" remarks but they still pop up now and again.

 

Last week, we were having a pretty serious discussion concerning the future of our relationship (about kids, see my previous thread), and he initially thought I was using the kids conversation as an excuse to question the relationship for a different reason. Several times he asked me, "Is this what this is really about?" and "got somebody on the side?" in a joking tone.

 

Another time I pointed out a bruise to him that was on my hip. He said "whoever else is banging you needs to take it easy." I told him it was actually from closing his car door with my hip when my arms were full. He responded with "I dunno, sounds suspect." He didn't seem angry or anything so I dismissed all this as sarcasm at the time....

 

And today, he was looking at a baggie of flavored lube samples in my purse. He knew I got them for us to try out, but we haven't gotten around to using them yet so none are opened. I was on the computer and didn't see him looking, but he asked me "why are there two lubes missing?" I said, "Huh? Oh, I don't remember if I put all of them in there, because they sent me duplicate samples of some of the flavors." He asked (in a serious tone) "Have you been using them?" I said "No! If they're not all there, they're here in my room." I started opening up some drawers to start looking, which was when he said, "I was just joking, I have no idea how many lubes there are."

 

He has been cheated on in past relationships, so I'm willing to bet it has to do with emotional baggage. But I've never dealt with these kinds of "jokes" or comments before. Should I just say, "Hey listen. I need to know if you trust me or do you really suspect I'll cheat on you" ?

 

It might also be worth mentioning he has been a cheater before, though I can't say it bothers me. He told me this himself and communicates to me often. He calls me whenever he's somewhere without me, is caring, open, etc. I do trust him and I'm getting no red flags of infidelity from him, though I am wondering if it has something to do with his comments to me. Projecting guilt onto me or something? It's 1 am, sorry if this last paragraph makes no sense.

 

Your thoughts, please?

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It is clearly bothering you, and i think before it gets to you more you should approach him lightly but seriously so he doesn't joke about it and ask him if he is having trust issues. Pay close attention to his reaction and not his answer and you will know where he stands. Body language goes a long way..

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It might also be worth mentioning he has been a cheater before, though I can't say it bothers me. He told me this himself and communicates to me often. He calls me whenever he's somewhere without me, is caring, open, etc. I do trust him and I'm getting no red flags of infidelity from him, though I am wondering if it has something to do with his comments to me. Projecting guilt onto me or something? It's 1 am, sorry if this last paragraph makes no sense.

 

Your thoughts, please?

 

Actually, what he's doing right now is considered a "red flag" of infidelity. Often, when people are cheating, they assume their partner is doing the same.

 

At any rate, I'd have a serious chit-chat with him before going further in this relationship. His comments thus far are pretty obnoxious.

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You should be upfront and let him know that his comments about cheating he throws out there makes him look insecure and obnoxious as norsewoman just said. He may not be self-aware enough to realize that.

 

Military guys are paranoid for good reason, it seems more than half of them get dumped while away so it's a big issue for them. However he is just asking for a self-for-filling prophecy riding you about cheating. Insecurity like that is a major turnoff and many people split because of that. He needs to be aware that before it really gets out of hand.

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I agree, this may be a red flag that he's portraying.

 

However, you should definitely have a talk with him and let him know how you are feeling. Let him know that his comments are starting to go overboard. It's one thing joking about it from time to time, but constantly is a bit much. He is either really insecure (granted, he's been cheated on). Although, you also mentioned that he has cheated in the past as well.

 

Personally, I wouldn't like it at all. My bf jokes with me from time to time and I do the same, but it's never been to this extent.

 

Hope it works out for you!

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