I don't want to break up.Why does he force me to?

[46772670]

Hello.

I have had a 4 years relationship with my boyfriend. Be both are expatriates and we studied together. He move in 3 years ago to my place and one year an a half ago we were suppose to take a new apartment, but once we signed he got cold feet saying he didn’t know if he love me. I felt I had no choice but leave, and I took a trip back to my country to reflect. After less than 48 hours he came to get me back. We did got back on the relationship but he had no answers for what he had done, so as his love was not clear we agreed he’ll get an apartment for himself. He started asking for my help and drove me on to a situation where I was arranging things for his new “life”, meanwhile we were together. At certain point I just wanted him to move on and be able to keep on going with my life. But even he had a new place he never move. Using it just when he was angry on me, as a sort of punishment. At least that the way I perceived it.

After one year he got rid of the apartment in which he had expend a maximum of 5 nights. He told me then that he never move because he was sure that living apart will be the end of the relationship, and that I would immediate built a wall between us if I was not forced to see him.(which was totally my plan)

I work at 600 km and from one year and a half I just come home for weekends. Meanwhile his father has suffered from cancer and he died 3 months ago. He is now the head of his family. When he went back home for his father, he was proclaiming I was his strengths and his love. When he came back, he said he felt empty. Little by little he has been saying that he doesn’t feel it anymore until the point of saying he doesn’t love me. He says he just wants to be by himself alone and relate to the world in a shallow way. Just go out and have fun, but that he doesn’t want anyone close to him.

The thing is that still he is not breaking up with me. And amazingly enough I do believe he loves me. I feel like if he gives me all the tools for me to dump him and tell him to leave my home. But I leaned about the previous breakup that I shouldn’t be forced to take such a decision. If what is important is the love we give, why should I be the one who end with a relationship which I do want to continue, and with a person I love?

I also think that deep inside of him, if he doesn’t break up is because he doesn’t want to.

Anytime I try to tell him that I thing he is personalizing on me his personal issues (commitment problems, depression, and the fear to be closer to people and get hurt) he has no answer and no capacity of auto-exam.

This weekend after hearing him once again saying he doesn’t love me and being driven to a conversation where he uses anything I say to answer: so, you want me o leave?? Should I go? What should I do?... I decided to try to talk to him and I say to him, that I don’t want him to leave, but that that is a decision he has to take by himself. I also told him that makes me very sad that he is killing our love, by just nt seeing the positive, and I don’t understand why he make us go for weekend last week to a romantic destination if he doesn’t love me, or why he decided to introduce me all his coworkers one week ago…

He obviously didn’t answer anything as his favorite sentence regarding his feelings is I don’t know…

He claims he wants to live isolated of the world. But he still doesn’t leave me.

I have come back to my work earlier, because hearing all this again and again is quite painful. And I am planning to stay away at least for one or two weekend to let us time to reflect.

Somehow I am surprised to be quite calm, and still feel full of love for him. But I also am scared he won’t clarify his feelings and we will keep on going like this. I know I have the option of braking up with him and ask him to move. But it is such an unfair situation when I actually don’t want to end this relationship. How can we breakup when anytime we meet we look at each other with a nervous smile like if we still were teenagers? How can we destroy all the complicity that surrounds our lives?

And the most important question, do I have to leave the one I love against my will?

[journeynow]

It might not be about you, like you said. He could very well be grieving his father's death and may need time and space to process it. Could you suggest that the two of you not decide anything about splitting up for the next 6 months?