Meeting girls

[ck1000]

I am 20 years old and can be quite shy at times. I have never had a serious girlfriend, and I am ready for that to change. My only problem is, I have huge difficulty meeting single girls. I find that college is a bust in that respect, as most girls are a) too old for me, b) already taken, or c) I just don't ever get to interact with the girls in class. A lot of classes are lectures and such and it's just come in, sit down, listen to lecture, leave. No interaction with the other folks in the class.

 

I do go out with friends occasionally, like say once every couple of months, but all of them are taken, some practically married, and no one new ever comes into our group. Church is another option, but once again, all of the potential dates are already taken. I've tried to get friends to help set me up, as they know me quite well and might know someone from work, school, etc. that might be good for me, but when I ask them if they know anyone they always say "sure, I'll look for someone" or something like that and I never hear about it again.

 

I just have no clue where I could possibly meet anyone. And it's difficult, because I feel that I have to get to know someone as a friend or acquaintance before I can ask them out. I know I can't just go up to some random girl I might like somewhere and ask them out, because it wouldn't feel right at all. So any advice? What might be a good place and/or good way to meet (and get to know) girls that I have not already tried? And please no internet dating services. That also just seems wrong.

 

Thanks in advance,

CK1000

[thePuma]

Welcome ck100!

 

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If you don't know enough girls, it's pretty obvious that you're not hanging around the right places. And going out with friends once in a couple of months isn't enough to get to know anyone even if you meet them.

 

A few personal remarks:

-> going to the church to meet other girls sounds wronger than internet dating services

-> no one likes to "set people up", that can bring a lot of problems to the "setter"

 

You can also try the movies' trick, go alone to a girl frequented coffee/bar/club, often enough to get people to notice you. Ideally an interested-interesting-extroverted-lonely girl will walk up to you and offer you a drink or ask why you're so lonely.

 

Good luck

[hurtbylove]

It's cliche but it can happen when you least expect it.

 

People often meet in the strangest places..

 

Just make small talk and get some way to contact them and go from there.

[Outlaw2747]

Now even though I am happy with my special someone, I have NO CLUE on how to find the right girl. But the most common areas I know that people meet girls would be in a cafeteria in college, a library, the mall, basically what everyone was saying. How i got ATTENTION is that i acted as if not totally interested in girls at all. And for some reason, they come. Especially if they see you in a common area alot. I stand out too because I wear what other people usually don't (I'm not a trendy fashion freak.) and I usually am by myself so I am rather easy to approach. They to pay attention to me whenever I am sad or upset but I don't do it intentionally because I could care less. The main point is that eventually, girls will come to you. The only thing you have to worry about is if she's your type and what her intentions are. Very important. I hope you found my ignorance of meeting girls useful.

[Caldus]

I didn't pay attention to girls at all last semester when I was at the cafeteria, library, etc. (because I had a real busy semester and at the time I wasn't so lonely and not really caring about it) and I don't think one girl even cared. So I don't think it's entirely true that "it comes" when you least expect it or whatever. I think that they just notice something about a guy that is cool to them and so they just want to meet them. So I keep thinking that I'm just not an interesting person to them at all when it comes to looks or personality. I try to be outgoing when I'm out with friends and I try not to be stale and boring the whole time. In the past, every time I meet a girl, I always end up making a fool out of myself or it becomes obvious right away that they are not interested in me. I guess some guys are destined to never "get it" like me.

 

I was thinking about joining a singles group for my church, but I was thinking the same thing that thePuma mentioned about the whole church thing. It just seems kind of wrong to me as well to be going to church in order to meet more people and get a girlfriend rather than going there to worship God. I'm not sure whether this is right, so I haven't done it yet. Also, what do you guys think about meeting girls at the local pool? Do you think that's not a good place to do it? I was thinking that I would have a win-win situation with the pool anyway; you can get a tan and exercise even if you end up not meeting any girls.

 

Thanks, and sorry to ck1000 for sort of hijacking this thread with my own problems/questions...

[NittanyKitten]

I know this is prolly a place for guys to talk and compare notes, and I'm a girl so I prolly shouldn't be here talking, but I just couldn't help myself!!!

 

Ok... first, to answer Caldus' question... YES, it is perfectly acceptable to meet a girl at the pool!!! Why wouldn't it be? It's a place that people go to have fun, and enjoy themselves. If you happen to come accross a girl you like, THEN GO FOR IT!!! The worst that could happen is she isn't interested in you at that moment! That doesn't mean that you give up, though... so you start out as friends, that's all. Most of the best relationships start out as regular friendships, anyways. Just hang out with each other... go to the movies, or grab a bite to eat with each other. Doesn't matter what you do, so long as you're getting to know each other better!

 

And, I agree whole-heartedly with thePuma... you guys can't just go out every once in a great while! You'll never meet someone!!! And I do mean NEVER! Yeah, you may occationally come accross a temporarily lonely person, but the chances of that actually working out to be something great are very slim... You'll most likely end up with a "bed-buddy" for about a month, and then so long!!! You have to be social, and go out often.

 

Food for thought ---> You do NOT need someone special in your life to be happy or to not feel lonely! Just thought I'd let you all know that! I'll shut up... for now...

[Outlaw2747]

I agree with everyone so far, especially NittanyKitten. You do not necessarily have to have a special someone to be happy. Throughout my bad times here and there, I do manage to have fun WITHOUT that special someone. It took me damn near 20 years to find her and she was worth the wait. Trust me, take your time, just make friends for now then love will reveal itself. Have fun because being single is alot less binding than a relationships. And be careful who you befriend....

[scrop]

you guys can't just go out every once in a great while! You'll never meet someone!!! And I do mean NEVER! Yeah, you may occationally come accross a temporarily lonely person, but the chances of that actually working out to be something great are very slim... You'll most likely end up with a "bed-buddy" for about a month, and then so long!!! You have to be social, and go out often.

 

Thats exactly the problem. I am not social and going out is so unbearably uncomfortable that it makes it impossible to have fun and

relax. Meeting anyone special going out often is impossible, and I don't think my chances of finding a "bed-buddy" are any better.

 

Food for thought ---> You do NOT need someone special in your life to be happy or to not feel lonely!

 

I don't think this is true either. At some point you need to have a relationship with another human being in order to grow or function normally. I'm talking about a serious soap-opera relationship type of relationship - I'm just talking about the dicitonary definition of the word. Just some kind of posative interaction with someone.

 

This part is off topic, but

 

You're 19 and you sound like you don't have any trouble with shyness. I mean you sound like you have met people,

 

 

This is what I find most frustration of all. Alot of people offer advice - but all the advice is just go out, just meet people, just do it. Its nice to offer the adivce - but it doesn't help!

 

To just go out, just talk to someone, just do it is not possible. I would have done it by now if I could have. Just think for a second at how you feel about life and how you look at things. If you are offering advice like just do this

 

 

 

This is what I find most frustration of all. Alot of people offer advice - but all the advice is just go out, just meet people, just do it. Its nice to offer the adivce - but it doesn't help!

 

To just go out, just talk to someone, just do it is not possible. I would have done it by now if I could have.

 

I mean just think for a second at how you feel about life and how you look at things. Most of you have friends, or have people you've been involved with in someway. Think of how thats shaped your outlook on life.

 

Now imagine if you lived in a world where all the people you knew are still there. You see them everyday, they know you are there. But they don't talk to you and you don't talk to them.

 

Imagine if you spent your life alone, almost like some kind of ***ed up twlightzone. That is what this is like. It really is like being a ghost

[Outlaw2747]

You do have a point there Scrop. It is easy to give the advice but I was in your position somewhat a while back. When I knew people and I would go out and whatnot and nothing would happen. And I will be the first to admit that it is easy to give the advice than to actually do it wheter you are the giver of the advice or the receiver. I was once a loner and still kinda am. I really don't care about meeting other people as far as friends go. But I did desire a love of some sort and that didn't work so well in my past life. And as for needing that special someone, I got both Scrop's and Kitty's side on this. You don't need that special someone....at the moment. Eventually you will but you don't need to waste your entire life looking for him/her.

 

But back to the topic at hand, little do people realize that for a guy to just go look and to meet girls (a guy with a good intent) is a very hard job. Think about it, if we actually get to that point in life where we want to spend time looking for "her" and don't find her after a long time, it gets very frustrating. Then when we do find her, now we got to make the first move in most cases (I don't know who made the rule about guys MUST ask the girl out.). Then we got to think of how to get noticed, what to say, and worry about being rejected. Then it is even worse when the girl notices us and then gives out mixed signals (varying body languages for example). It is a huge mind bender and we are technically gambling.

 

Just thought I'd bring that to all of you guys attention because most people do not realize these things. But what I would like to tell the fellow guys out there, do not spend your entire life looking for "her". It ranks up there pretty high as a very difficult occupation.

[scrop]

You don't need that special someone....at the moment. Eventually you will but you don't need to waste your entire life looking for him/her.

 

Maybe, but at this point the fact that I never had any interaction, even just friendly, with women is a constant reaffirmation that something is fundamentally wrong with me that I'll never be able to change.

[Purrr-fect Panther]

Sorry, guys, but I agree with NittanyKitten on this one. If you want to meet ANYONE, including people to just be friends with and just hang out with, you HAVE to be semi-social. By semi, I mean at least 65% social. You can't only go out on occation. You can't sit at home and be a hermit. And, you can NEVER expect to find someone. If you go out actually expecting to meet someone, then it is not gonna happen. Trust me... we girls can tell if a guy is expecting to find a girl when he goes out. And, if you're expecting to, then your body will give of signals that you're not even aware of, and we will look at you and usually think "desperate". If you come accross as desperate, then we avoid you. You could be a wonderful, sweet, caring guy... but we avoid desperation as if it's worse than the plague. Sorry, but it's true.

 

As for the "being uncomfortable in socail situations" part... well... to be honest... if that really is the case, you are NOT ready for a serious relationship. Why? Because it will never last. Believe me... I know... my last bf was not social, and you know what? We broke up after about 3 months. I'm a social person... not one who has to go out every night, but I am still very social. He hated going out in public, claiming the same thing that you did... that it's uncomfortable... Please tell me that you aren't planning on staying home most of the time with whomever you end up dating!!! He tried that with me, and I flat out told him "look, I'm going out whether you're with me or not. I cannot sit home all the time. I need to go out, let loose, and have fun. I will not survive pent up here, even if it is with you." He didn't take that too well, and we ended up arguing all night, doors were slammed, and I spent a few nights at a friend's house. Guess what happened... I got accused of cheating. No, I didn't... I was actually at a girlfriend's house!!! When I told people what he accused me of, they didn't believe me... "he's not that type of person... he'd never accuse without proof... you must have heard him wrong". So, if you really are not the type of person who can go out, let loose, and have fun, then I am praying that when (and if) you find a girl, she's as anti-social as you are. Otherwise you will have problems. Either a situation similar to mine... or you will completely destroy the girl by turning her into a hermit, thus, breaking her spirit... similar to how you have to break a wild horse.

 

And NO! YOU NEVER ACTUALLY NEED SOMEONE SPECIAL IN YOUR LIFE!!! It is a want, a desire, a craving... but NEVER a need. Anyone who calls it a need has something seriously wrong with them and needs to get psychiatric help immediately. Otherwise... I feel sorry for whatever girl ends up with you. Cause you will completely destroy her! No matter how happy she may appear around you, you will destroy her! You will be placing so much stress and responsibility on her, because you will be making her feel as though she is the one responsible for your happiness. No matter how happy you feel when near her, remember, IT IS NOT THE GIRL WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT HAPPINESS!!! She is not actually making you happy. You, yourself, is making you happy. Your emotions and body and mind and heart and soul are responsible for they're own happiness... not the girl. Hence, why it is NEVER necessary to have a special someone to be happy. If you seriously, honest to God, think that... then really, you need help. You're suffering from a serious case of emotional insecurity and you should not be attempting to find a relationship.

[Outlaw2747]

Are you talking about me? Or Scrop? In any case I feel his pain. I don't think most guys should be going out just to find girls anyways. That should NEVER be a first proirity. Like I said, it is a dangerous undertaking for most guys and even the "strongest guys" will suffer. Go out to have fun, meeting a girl would just be a plus. I go out occasionally for MYSELF and not for no one else, not even to look for a girl (but it is a plus like I said). However, I have a negative view on society and really don't like a bunch of people but once I have fun, I don't care. If my girlfriend wants to go out and I really don't want to, I'll do it....that's the only time I won't go out for myself because she is a very outgoing and social person and I do not want to lose her.

 

Maybe, but at this point the fact that I never had any interaction, even just friendly, with women is a constant reaffirmation that something is fundamentally wrong with me that I'll never be able to change.

 

Perhaps. The Purrr-Fect Panther made somewhat of a point that you should not find someone right now. Unless you find someone who doesn't care about going out much, then I guess it is fine. I had the same problem and still kinda do. I do have an anti-social issue much like you but I am willing to go out for my girlfriend. Helps us learn about each other more. So when you do find "her" just take some time to spend with her. It isn't as bad as you think. Girls will stress you out if you go looking for them constantly so just have fun for now, you don't need any drama right now. Just recollect your thoughts and do what is right for YOU.

[Lily04]

At school joining clubs that you're interested in will help, along with sports, because you'll meet people who are interested in the same things as you. Now that it's summer, you can sign up for sports or volunteer or get a job. Being in social situations can help you to meet people. But I would also suggest, as did a previous poster, to not go out with the sole intention of meeting someone. You may give off a 'desperate' vibe & it's not particularly attractive.

 

You can try going to bars as well, or campus activities. Ultimately, don't stress about it though, you'll meet someone eventually, just be friendly & social and you'll be fine.

[Derek]

scop,

 

Dude, you've got to get back to taking care of yourself, the women will take care of themselves.

 

Making yourself a better man, a better person, through new interests, doing what interests you, taking charge of your own stuff, being self-made will help you find yourself, and the fall out from that is that women will be interested in what you are about.

 

Maybe like learning to ride a motorcycle and then buying one or surfing or skiing or skating or blading or running or canoeing or being in a band or writing a fiction book at a writing class or building stuff for a charity or volunteer group. Or skydiving, or maybe off road mountain biking or horse back riding or paintball or swimming or whatever floats your boat.

 

Once you are doing some of these things and you have the attitude that you don't have a care about what women think... then they'll be all over you my friend.

 

A strange paradox indeed.

 

 

 

 

What does it mean to be a man these days anyway?

[scrop]

If you want to meet ANYONE, including people to just be friends with and just hang out with, you HAVE to be semi-social .. You can't only go out on occation. You can't sit at home and be a hermit. And, you can NEVER expect to find someone.

 

Great.

[scrop]

Alot of you sound like you are purposely waiting for some kind of perfect person. Or want to find someone who is a virgin or whatever. That's fine - but thats not at all the type of thing I'm talking about. Its not about finding a perfect relationship or saving my virginity because I believe its special or a gift. To me thats ridiculous. If its not to you, thats fine - its just my opinion.

 

Many, many people I know go out on dates just for fun. Have friends they "hook-up" with, etc. None of it is about finding a perfect relationship. Some people just find each other and have a good time. I personally don't share the same values as those who want to wait for some special person. I don't care one way or the other. My problem is that I just feel cheated out of a big part of life. I've never been able to meet a person for any kind of relationship. I just want to be treated like a freaking human being. I don't know what happened, what I did that I'm so awful and different that noone would talk to me.

 

Just going out to do something fun is not the simple thing people make it sound. How can you go out and have fun when you have nothing inside? Its painful going out and being alone. Yea, there are people that might not be with another person at that moment - but they aren't devoid of the ability to meet someone else. Even just for friends. That's the problem I have, and its extremely abnormal. Doing anything in public just reminds me of that, feeling awkward and out of place in public reminds me of. It drains away whatever courage I'd built up to even go out to begin with and drives me back inside.

 

Alot of people say to just go out and do something I think is fun. Just go out and smile. Well you know what? It doesn't work. This despair colors everything I do. Nothing is fun to me.

 

As for seeming desperate, etc. I don't know alot about any of that. All know is that it doesn't seem like you can be desperate snd be without hope at the same time. I honestly think I will be alone forever, so I don't think I can be desperate. This is also the type of attitude that women my age seem to have. They want the "bad boy" , they want to go out and have fun. What they want is attention. They don't want a nice guy. Whatever. Whatever it is, its certainly not me.

 

I'm not complaining, I've given up. I'm just trying to clarify since a bunch of people keep either posting "just do it" or they keep posting about how its thier choice to be alone.

 

I appriciate the effort, but I just don't want to see any more adivce thats is to "just do it", just have fun, just go talk to someone. Not possible to me.

[Agent47]

I'm not complaining, I've given up.

 

Im kind of in the same boat as you. But my problem is that I haven't given up. This has driven me to do some rather extreme(some might consider dangerous) things. You can read my story if you like. I never wanted to get involved in some of the things I have, but its the only way I know to get the kind of life and attention I've always wanted.

[Lily04]

Hi scrop,

 

I can't remember what my advice was, but it was probably something along the lines of 'just do it.' Now that I know a bit more about where you're coming from, I see how difficult that can be. I know the feeling you get when you feel you don't belong, feeling awkward around people and feeling drained from being around them. Since I find I don't get along with a lot of people I don't have a lot of friends, but a small group of really close ones. I can be friendly with most people as acquaintances but there's just something missing so that we can't be really good friends. I think that's ok, you don't have to click with everyone. Initially, my goal was just to make new friends and didn't really care about finding a boyfriend. Sure that's great if you do find someone, but starting out as friends is less stressful. Maybe start with that goal first, and then let it escalate if you wish. Going out with the goal of solely finding a girlfriend, as others have suggested, makes it more stressful & less natural when conversing with people.

 

I think what will help a lot is joining clubs that really interest you, so you can meet the type of people that may share the same personality & you can talk with more easily. Going to the beach is a good idea, but it might be more difficult. Also, small talk seems to really bore me..I can easily get into conversations about politics & philosophy, for ex. (one reason why I loved the debate club) but they don't tend to turn up as easily in everyday convos. If you join a club, there's already topics to discuss so you don't have to think them up as much.

 

You can just try to be more friendly in general, but I don't think you necessarily have to go all out & change your personality. I still feel drained talking to people sometimes & feel empty in conversations. If you go to places that you know you'll meet people that you can be more compatible with just as friends, you'll at least minimize that feeling of emptiness/awkwardness, if not remove it.

 

p.s. have you taken the MBTI personality test? that may help..according to that I am an INTJ, which I think *really* describes my personality. Knowing a bit more about yourself can help..here's one good test:

 

link removed

 

I know guidance counsellors also recommend you take it when looking for jobs, and finding out more about yourself as well (it's on my school website) so it is used quite widely. I recommend everyone takes it, many people have found it helpful for a variety of purposes.