Screwed up...Want her back but dont know what 2 do!!! HELP!!

[garage_band_king]

Where do i start? Firstly i'd like 2 thank any1 who reads this (its a long story) and a really big thx 2 any1 who can offer any advice on how 2 cope.

 

Well i met jo nearly 2 years ago at a night club, we were walkin past each other and there was somethin special there from the beginning. We started dating and we formed a passionate caring love that i have never experienced b4, life was brilliant.

 

Things started going a little wrong when we had the "so who are your ex's" conversation. She had no history, i was her first but me on the other hand, me, being older, had a past. She could kinda deal with all that, except the 1st person i slept with was my sisters best m8 (who means absolutly nothing 2 me, i was just an 18yr old with hormones), anyway she comes around alot (i rent a room off my sister), she found it very hard 2 deal, which i totally understand and gave her all the support she needed but my sister was unsympathetic which caused a rift, but we got by. Our love was still very strong so we were ok.

 

Life went along, we started arguing more, mostly about the ex thing. But we kept our love alive. Things really started going bad when i started workin nights. I was always tired, irratable and i started neglecting her. I still loved her more than anything in the world but i was just so tired all the time

 

We went on holiday for a week 2 the canaries, wow, it was perfect, not having any of the issues we got on soo well and didnt argue.

 

A few weeks after we were back i started feelin down but i didnt know why. I have been really depressed b4 and lost all my emotions for people for about a year and felt sucidal at times, i was scared it was happeneing 2 me again and i started 2 panic. I got drunk one nite and out of no-where i told her that we were over and i couldnt cope. The next day we sorted it out but i was still in another place mentally, i knew i need a little time on my own 2 think things through and she was begging me not 2 shut her out but i had become 2 stubborn and told her i needed it, she said if i did she might break up with me and like a twat i took the chance. Because all i knew was that i needed a few days to sort stuff out in my head, i've always been the same.

 

After a few days we were speaking on the phone and we had an argument and she said that we were through, and for some reason i just said fine. I wish i didnt!!! we didnt speak for a few days, in that time i had the space 2 think about my problem and realised that it was my job and where i was living, all things that i can change....i also realised that i'd made one of the biggest mistakes in my life by letting her go.

 

We started speaking again, as friends and she told me she had met a guy, i got really angry because i really wasnt expecting it so soon, i calmed down and explained why reacted the way i did and we were ok again. This is where it really starts 2 get bad.

 

The next nite i was really thinkin about her snoggin some1 else (i was still hurt and angry) and how she said that it helps get rid of the pain, so i went out, 2 a night club 2 get drunk. i got noticed by a girl, and she really started comin on 2 me. Then, all of a sudden, she said "i'm gonna kiss u now" and stuck her tongue down my throat. It just felt wrong and all i could think about was jo so i kinda pulled away after about a minute, she went off with her mate after telling me that she would come back 4 me, i didnt wait around, got my coat and ran.

 

I felt really guilty, even tho i was single and jo had done it. It was the first time i had been close 2 another girl since i was going out with jo and it wasnt something i wanted, it made me realise 4 sure that i wanted her back. So thats what i did, i tried 2 build bridges. BUT.....a few times she asked me if i had kissed any1, and like a fool i lied and said no, (1) because i didnt want 2 hurt her like she had me and (2) because i was scared that if i told her it would push her away into some1 else arms. I couldnt risk it.

 

Well, this takes us up 2 a few days ago now. We had been out a few times and it was perfect. We still sparked, still had the love, she had said that i could maybe take her on a proper date when i get myself sorted with a job/house, things were lookin up.

 

That is until last nite!!!!!!

 

We went out, had a really nice time. came back 2 mine (my sister was out) cuddled up, and she started gettin upset about how i had pushed her away, i tried my best 2 explain and apologised countless times. As i never wanted 2 hurt her.

 

I took her home and went in 4 a cuppa, we got talkin and she confessed that she ***sorry cant tell that bit, i promised her and i'll stick by that even now***. She said she cried loads the next day and all she could think about was me.

 

I went into shock!!! Still am i guess, but she apologised so many times and said it was a mistake. She said that we should both 4get hurting each other and asked if i'd like 2 spend the night. We were just about 2 go up stairs and were having a really honest moment, all cards on the table, start things from new and she asked me if i had anything 2 confess.

 

I told her about the girl i kissed, the whole story. She told me to get my things and go. I couldnt believe it. She said that if i had told her from the start she would be ok but because i lied she can never trust me again.

 

I didnt know what 2 do, i mean, we were so close, we both really love each other and i could forgive her, i think i ended up begging but it did no good, she kicked me out.

 

Nearly did something silly with a knife, i was in sooo much pain and i couldnt get rid of it, but i remembered that i once promised her that i wouldnt do anything silly like that again, so i didnt. I didnt sleep all night tho.

 

I had 2 do something so this morning i bought some flowers and gave them 2 her when she got 2 college, i told her i was truly sorry for lying, told her why..again and said i would never lie again and that i can learn from my mistakes, which i will. I walked her 2 college and we said goodbye.

 

I have been in so much pain and guilt all day for lying to her. Anyway, i asked her if we could chat 2 nite, so all this is post chat

 

It went bad, horrible, crap!!!!!

 

She said she doesnt want 2 see me again, and that we can never get back 2gether cos i kissed some1 else and i lied 2 her so she could never trust anything i say 2 her again. She said she might be able 2 speak 2 me in a few weeks when she has had some space. I tried 2 tell her that given time i could get her trust back but she was havin none of it.

 

So here i am, right now, tellin my story 2 the world on the off chance some1 has some good advice to give some1 who really needs it. If you made it this far (i know its a long 1) thx.

 

The crap thing is!!!! I still love her and want her back!!!!

 

Wrote this and couldnt up load it last nite.....this morning she called me and said that there still could be a chance when i have myself sorted out. Dont know what 2 think. I'm the kind of person that believes that love can conquer all, i'm just scared that my hope will get ripped from me.

[Pengui6668]

Alright... let's see... I'm gonna go out on a limb here (not really, i'm pretty sure) and say she slept with that other guy? A girl's first love is a very special thing for her, and once she gets out of that she doesn't know what to do with her feelings.. the first guy to come along and treat her well normally gets to hit it.. that's what happened with me.. you have NO idea how pissed I was.. but I realized she did was she wanted to do... she doesn't regret it, trust me.. I was fed that bullshit and i believed it.. well guess what.. the girl that did that to me kept doing it, and eventually went out with that guy, so, they probably go at it 6 or 7 times a day.. It used to upset me, now I know her words meant nothing... But anyway... Best advice I can give is to be you for right now. Don't try and make her happy, don't mope around thinking about her. You have to get up and do something. go out with your friends. kiss girls, who cares! You're young (i'm assuming) and tehre are a lot of girls out there.. Just when you think you've given up anotehr one pops up and you've got the same feelings again, you're happy, excited, etc..

 

Not talking can only help you.. if she really loves you. If she calls you in a week or two you know you've got the upper hand, if you want it.. I'm assuming she really does love you and was just hurt more because it was a tender situation and you lied to her abot something tiny like kissing a girl for a minute.. I know it's hard to do, but you just gotta realize things really do happen for a reason. She slept with him (or did whatever) for her reasons, you kissed club girl for your own reasons... things will work out if they're supposed to. Keep your chin up and don't let the bullshit get ya. If you need you can IM me on AOL. Pengui6668. I'm going through a really similar siuation and would like to help however i can.

[garage_band_king]

I know i spoke to u but thx again, as 4 u, just do what feels right and follow your heart.

 

If any1 else has managed 2 read this, (knew it would be a long story but not that long), and can offer anymore advice it would be appreciated. thanks

[stargirl]

good news is..shes pretty cut at you at the moment so obviously she cares deeply about u. Write her a letter telling her that u were so hurt by what she did and thats why u kissed some girl..tell her it wasall because u were so hurt. and tell her that u love her more then anything. and things will be fine.