Dumped my ex, think I want him back...

[bridget]

I ended things with my ex 6 months ago, after being together for 2.5 years. I didn't feel "the spark" anymore - it had become more of a brother and sister relationship. Plus, I hate to admit it - my head had been turned by somebody else.

 

My ex was upset, but he didn't fight for me - maybe pride, maybe because he agreed.

 

Anyway, fast forward 6 months...and I feel like I made a big mistake. It didn't work out with the guy who turned my head - in fact, all his shortcomings have only served to highlight what a good thing I had with my ex after all. I miss so much about him.

 

I'm in the fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on which way you look at it!) situation that my ex and I share the same group of friends, so we do see each other from time to time. Things are fine between us - we get on quite well. We've also started having more contact online etc again.

 

The other night, I told him that I missed him. He replied that he "missed us" & that we had a good thing. He also apologised for things he had done wrong. I said that I was finding it difficult, to which he replied that "these things take time".

 

I just don't know what to think. Maybe I am looking back at things through rose tinted glasses - but I genuinely miss us being together. I feel like I took him for granted and should have made more effort to have rekindled the spark between us.

 

I don't know how he feels either. Saying that "these things take time" indicates that he doesn't want to get back together - that he has / is committed to moving on. Maybe I hurt him too much. Or maybe again, it's pride talking - I wouldn't run back into an ex's arms straight away just because they say once that they missed me.

 

What should I do?!

[minou]

Maybe he knows your last relationship didn't work out & knows your approaching him is related to that. That might sting a bit. On the other hand, he does say he misses you too. Maybe you still have a chance. You might want to take a little time to make sure it's not because of the last breakup and feeling alone. If not, go for it, gently.

[lilypadgirl]

Aww, I think your story just gave a lot of people on here a lot of hope.

 

Honestly, I don't think you should do anything. I think you should take it slow. Try to hang out more as friends and assess the situation after some time and see if the spark is back for real or you're rebounding from the disappointment of the new guy.

 

I don't think "these things take time" is necessarily bad. I think "second chance" relationships only work if both people have grown. The last thing you would want is to get back together and get back into the same routines that made you take him for granted.

 

Actually, it's a really great situation that you guys are on friendly terms. Just keep that going and let things happen naturally.

 

Good luck!

[wingman]

Hey bridget

 

Im a guy, and im going to comment because I am in the reverse situation. Background: My ex of 1.5 years left me 4 months ago because she had lost the spark and she had someone else in her sights before dumping me and i believe they had something going on while she was dumping me and afterwards - i dont know if it lasted or how long.. i really dont care now. But we still talk briefly as we see eachother once in a while. We didn't leave on bad terms, she just came around to my place after telling me she loved me over the phone and then ended it with a "goodbye kiss". I didn't fight for her, i just let her go and resisted contacting her until she sent the occasional text to me seeing how i was, which i replied with a brief and polite response.

 

Now, to be honest, I believe this is the worst kind of breakup someone can experience. I would have rather she came around with a break up fight in mind and start blaming me for everything and making me feel bad then and there.. because i think i would have recovered quicker. I believe she took the cowardly way out of the relationship so she could slide over to greener grass keeping her integrity intact and not upsetting anyone. I don't know you and your ex's situation completely from the information you've given so im not passing any judgement on your breakup.. this is just my thoughts on how my ex and I ended. I am still upset about it, so that has some bias towards my thoughts.. but i am slowly realizing that if the spark is gone there is not much you can do about it.

 

I was so upset and angry at her for throwing it all away without a fight or even talking to me about any issues that may have come up between us. We never fought, we had the best time together, loved eachother to bits.

 

If she wanted me back right now i would have a very hard time saying yes. I think my mind would have a hard time making a decision because of all the conflicting thoughts about us and how things panned out. I don't love her anymore, I miss our relationship together, I am angry for her walking away from something that was so good, but i want to be with her, im upset at her leaving me for another guy, but theres a part of me that really likes her -- thats how confusing it has been for me. To be honest, i hope she never does want me back because of this.. not because i dont really want her back, a small part of me does, but i've had enough stress coping with the breakup and my confidence levels have dropped to an all time low and i dont think i could take it.

 

Alright... now for your situation.

 

If you want to make it happen with him, you have to be upfront about absolutely everything, about why you left, what you were thinking at the time and admit any of the mistakes you made -- do not keep any feelings hidden. Make him feel like he really is the one for you. This is the only way that my ex could have me back.

 

I should also add that he is very unlikely to make any moves to get back with you if he has been hurt, it has to all come from you. I believe you have a chance. I think he would be upset, but a good chance that he would love to be with you.

[majord23]

What should I do?!

 

The first thing you need to do is 'know' that you want him back, rather than just 'thinking' you want him back.

 

You need to be honest with yourself and assess what your motivation is for considering getting back together.

 

You also need to ask yourself how things have changed since last time...and what would be different this time around (to ensure the same situation doesn't unfold).

Once you sort all of that out in your own head, and if then you are sure that this is what you want ...THAT is when you involve your ex in the process.

 

This is not about him at the moment, this is about you.

[DN]

I think that rather than him fight for you - you are the one who needs to fight for him. You dumped him - now you should be the one to ask him back.

 

Assuming you genuinely want him back for the right reasons.

[Dean_Wincheste]

Wingman I just wanted to say that I really feel for you. I too have been with a girl who after a short while decided not to take it any further. She broke my heart. In the beginning we were on good terms, she used to contact me every now and then, she even gave me the impression that she wanted to get back together with me for a while. But she was so passive she would never have said that explicitly.

 

The last time she contacted me was three months ago. She asked me why I had deleted her from my Facebook friends, was she not good enough to deserve a place among my friends? I replied I had done that because I was suffering too much seeing new pictures of her and that I needed to protect myself because I was still hurt etc... She said she was sorry. I haven't heard from her since, and I don't think I ever will. It's pretty sad when you think of it. I really loved that girl, we became close very quickly, and she left my life just as quickly as she entered it. She broke up with me at the end of last Spring and I'm still hurt.

[DN]

Moderator Note: if personal stories may help the OP because of very similar issues and how you resolved them, then feel free to post them - but if they are mostly about you then please start your own thread so as not to hijack this one.

[JBaker]

It seems to me that she knows she wants him back. She has obviously put thought into it because she mentions that the other guy's shortcomings reminded her of the good things she had with her ex.

 

OP:

If you have gotten to the point where you know you want him back then the next step is for you to pursue him. But you have to be clear about it. I see a lot of dumpers on here reaching out a tiny bit to their exes in a way that does not make it clear to the dumpee that they want them back. When you pursue you should at some point come outright and say that you would like to explore getting back together.

 

The place to start right now is to ask him to meet you for dinner a time or two. Use these meetings as a way to gauge your feelings about him - do you really want him back or are you just rebounding?

 

After a few successful meetings you could then ask him to meet again so that you can discuss the possibility of getting back together. Let him know ahead of time that the meeting is about that subject. Then you two can both go to the meeting prepared to tell each other what you need from the other in order to move forward.

[bridget]

Thanks for your replies guys.

 

Yesterday, I text him asking whether he would like to go out for a drink soon just the 2 of us, to catch up. He replied yes, although we didn't go on to set a date yet.

 

He sent me an email later (nothing about us, just something funny) & when I replied today, he phoned me straight away. We had a good 20 minute conversation about general rubbish (again, nothing about us) and I know I should have asked about the drink again, but I didn't ](*,)

 

Soooo...I will set up a date asap and just take it slowly...I've seen him a fair bit over the past 6 months but never one to one for an evening, so hopefully will get a better idea of how the land lies.

 

@lilypadgirl - as for giving other people hope - well, maybe. Every relationship is different.

Things in our favour...the break-up wasn't nasty, nothing was said that couldn't be taken back (unlike with my rebound guy!). We share the same social circle, so we have been able to see each other - and I guess we've seen each other in a good light on those occasions. (plus, our circle is very decent so there has been no side taking or b*tching.)

 

I've finished with people before and have never wanted to get back with them - but I suppose this proves it is possible! I should add that whilst I was with my rebound, my ex was pretty LC with me. I can't say for sure how I would feel now if he hadn't been, but I suspect it has helped in letting me get in touch with my feelings in my own time.

 

I'll keep you posted!!