What should I do??

[PeteK]

I just found out a couple of hours ago that my wife cheated on me. We have been married for a little under 2 years. Her mom called me and told me about it. I confronted her about it and she admitted it. Her version of the story is that a couple of days ago she spent the night at her friend Julies house and she had invited an old friend from school whos name is Derek. Apparently they all got drunk and at the end of the night she cheated on me with him. From what she says its never happened before and it wasnt planned. I believe her when she says it has never happened before and she is sincerely sorry for what happened. Im so pissed off right now because I trusted her so much. I wouldnt in a million years expect this from her. I know i should leave her but i cant just stop loving her in a instant. We dont have kids so a divorce seems like a good option but i dont know if i can do it. Im shocked, confused, pissed, and in disbelief. Dont know what i should do. For now i kicked her out and shes over at her parents house. She says she loves me and she wants our marriage to work. She says she feels nothing for the other guy. She seems ashamed of herself. I dont want our marriage to end but im not sure there's any other option. How can i stay with her after something so terrible. Need some advice because im lost right now

[sidehop]

I'm very sorry to hear Peter. How is she when she drinks normally? Is she flirtatious in general? I would first worry if she wasn't using protection about her possibly contracting STD and other things like being pregnant.

 

Aside from that if you really want to put it behind and work on the marriage, I would definitely start looking into marriage counseling. If she truly loved you, no matter what the situation was she wouldn't have cheated on you. It will take time to heal and even then there's no guarantee that the marriage will be the same again.

 

I'm wondering one thing, her mom called you first. Did your wife call her mom due to guilt and couldn't speak to you first directly? If that's the case I would too believe this may be the first time it happened (not that it excuses her action or anything).

[PeteK]

I'm very sorry to hear Peter. How is she when she drinks normally? Is she flirtatious in general? I would first worry if she wasn't using protection about her possibly contracting STD and other things like being pregnant.

 

Aside from that if you really want to put it behind and work on the marriage, I would definitely start looking into marriage counseling. If she truly loved you, no matter what the situation was she wouldn't have cheated on you. It will take time to heal and even then there's no guarantee that the marriage will be the same again.

 

I'm wondering one thing, her mom called you first. Did your wife call her mom due to guilt and couldn't speak to you first directly? If that's the case I would too believe this may be the first time it happened (not that it excuses her action or anything).

 

When she drinks she looses all control. she a light weight and cant handle alcohol very well. I know she didnt use protection but she assured me theres no way she could be pregnant. Not sure if i believe her definitely cant trust her word. Apparently she had text her sister and let her know what happened because they tell each other everything and her mom had been screwing around with her cell and found the messages and called me because she felt so bad. I asked Jenn (my wife) if she would of told me if her mom didnt and she said probably not because she didnt want to tear our marriage apart and that it was a drunken stupid mistake not a affair so she just wanted to forget about it. I dont know where to go from here

[kuj]

Hi Pete,

Sorry man, hate to hear youre going through a really bad time.

 

From what you write i get the feeling you really dont want you relationship to end. Who says thats the "right" way to go? I think its the easier way to go. Its easier than forgiving. Its much harder to forgive and let time heal and begin to trust again.

 

You really didnt give all the info, like if she usually drinks, how she normally acts when she drinks and such.

 

Youre mad right now, pissed and all that, so its not the best moment to make a definite decision.

 

If you cant forgive, well then sorry, I think it will always be in the front of your mind and that can make you very bitter and cruel. Not worth going that way. Its better to deal with getting over her. If you can decide to forgive, then you have a chance to become a stronger, better person. If shes really ashamed and sorry for what she did, she wont want to go thru the horrible moment shes living thru right now again.

 

I really hope for the best for you. Sorry for your pain.

[Sanesoul]

It sounds like she is feeling bad because she got caught. I can't believe she didn't even use protection. She could have given you something, and might have. I'd get tested.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you need to give yourself some time to process this. She sounds remorseful because she got caught and her world is falling apart. Not because she hurt you.

[sidehop]

When she drinks she looses all control. she a light weight and cant handle alcohol very well. I know she didnt use protection but she assured me theres no way she could be pregnant. Not sure if i believe her definitely cant trust her word. Apparently she had text her sister and let her know what happened because they tell each other everything and her mom had been screwing around with her cell and found the messages and called me because she felt so bad. I asked Jenn (my wife) if she would of told me if her mom didnt and she said probably not because she didnt want to tear our marriage apart and that it was a drunken stupid mistake not a affair so she just wanted to forget about it. I dont know where to go from here

 

I agree with Insane, she needs to get tested. STD as well as obviously pregnancy. I wouldn't trust her either at this point on anything she says.

 

If her true reasoning for trying to hide the cheating was to avoid ruining the marriage then she needs to show that she's willing to do anything to make the marriage work. That includes getting tested, go through counseling and obviously not put herself in such situation again that would make her vulnerable to any temptation especially if you two know how alcohol can affect her.

[PeteK]

I agree with Insane, she needs to get tested. STD as well as obviously pregnancy. I wouldn't trust her either at this point on anything she says.

 

If her true reasoning for trying to hide the cheating was to avoid ruining the marriage then she needs to show that she's willing to do anything to make the marriage work. That includes getting tested, go through counseling and obviously not put herself in such situation again that would make her vulnerable to any temptation especially if you two know how alcohol can affect her.

 

I just texted her and told her that she had to get tested for std's and pregnancy and she was more then willing to. She assures me she wants to do anything possible not to loose me. I believe she is sincere when she says it was a big mistake and wants us to work out. I think ill tell her we should go to counseling and if she hesitates at all then ill have to reevaluate if i want this to work.

[sunshine1]

I'm not sure if you should take her back considering she "was not going to tell you" if she didn't get caught. What if she makes another drunken mistake next weekend and then again in another month. Maybe she should just keep hiding them all so it doesn't tear apart your marriage.

 

I think as the others said - IF you do decide to take her back, you two should go to counseling and should have some pretty serious talks. Good luck to you.

[PeteK]

I'm not sure if you should take her back considering she "was not going to tell you" if she didn't get caught. What if she makes another drunken mistake next weekend and then again in another month. Maybe she should just keep hiding them all so it doesn't tear apart your marriage.

 

I think as the others said - IF you do decide to take her back, you two should go to counseling and should have some pretty serious talks. Good luck to you.

 

Thats a good point and thats exactly what im struggling with. The fact that she could look me in the eye with a straight face after that with no intention of ever telling me pisses me off so much.

 

I want to thank everyone who has posted so far for the support it means a lot to me.

[minou]

I once found perfume on my husband's shirts after being away and threw him out. I regretted it terribly, throwing him out, within a month or so. I wish I had not acted so impulsively. I miss him terribly, and would do so much to have immediately gone the working through feelings and forgiveness route. I know one elderly couple that survived his cheating on her for one year many years ago. They are really happy together. Whether or not it works will depend on whether or not she can tolerate that it may take time for you to get over this, and whether one day you will be ready to see it as an event in the past and move on. She will need to earn your trust again. It is possible. Sorry you are in so much pain. I would do anything to be at that moment of discovery again and respond with patience. My life without my husband feels like hell at times and it's been 2 years. We were madly in love. I know he was partying when this happened. It's just awful that alcohol or other substances can damage a long-term relationship in five minutes. If you love her, try to forgive her. People do make mistakes. Take a few weeks to think about what you want to do rather than make quick decisions.

[Clarity]

This may be harsh, but only two years in, no kids - I would opt for a divorce for sure. It sounds like you are still young, you have a chance to start over. Do you really want a marriage with this woman whom, let's admit it, you can never *fully* trust again?

 

Only two years in and she's cheated on you - let's just say the odds of this happening again are... significant.

[Clarity]

I'm sorry, but that's laying the blame in the wrong location. People choose to drink excessively, they choose to lose their judgment in inappropriate situations. Cheating is a choice, not something imposed on us by substances.

[Annie123]

why would her mother tell you something like that? if anything wouldn't her mother also want her daughters marriage to work therefore conceal such a fact?

 

everyone makes mistakes, if you can forgive her and not throw it back in her face everytime you argue then you should give her another chance...everyone deserves a second chance? put yourself in her shoes what would you like her to do if it was you?

 

marriage is taken too lightly...its easy to divorce and start again.....what happened to the through thick and thin, sickness and health until death do us part....and all that?

 

only you know how you feel and whether you can forgive and sort things out.

 

good luck

[Clarity]

why would her mother tell you something like that? if anything wouldn't her mother also want her daughters marriage to work therefore conceal such a fact?

 

everyone makes mistakes, if you can forgive her and not throw it back in her face everytime you argue then you should give her another chance...everyone deserves a second chance? put yourself in her shoes what would you like her to do if it was you?

 

marriage is taken too lightly...its easy to divorce and start again.....what happened to the through thick and thin, sickness and health until death do us part....and all that?

 

only you know how you feel and whether you can forgive and sort things out.

 

good luck

 

Ummm, I don't really see infidelity mentioned in that passage? The more pertinent question would be "What happened to staying faithful?".

[sunshine1]

Ummm, I don't really see infidelity mentioned in that passage? The more pertinent question would be "What happened to staying faithful?".

 

Almost EXACTLY what I was going to say. Sticking it out through thick and think and sickness and health is one thing - sticking it out when being cheated on, that's another. If she doesn't have enough respect to follow marriage vows - why should he?

[Wakingdream]

Leave her.

 

Though some people supposedly move on, it's an always present thing that will periodically be brought up (rightfully so) whenever a conflict occurs.

 

Further, how can you be with someone you know doesn't respect you?

 

She'll look at you everyday knowing that another man inserted his penis in her and you stuck around. She'll know she has complete control over you and the relationship. If you don't leave when she has sex with another man, what type of relationship issue would compel you to leave?

 

You have no children and there are many, many women that won't treat you this way. Get out while you can.

 

Add to that, many people that cheat in marriage have done it in prior relationships and will do it again.

[arcadefire]

I would think long and hard about your relationship with your wife. If you sincerely believe that you can forgive her and not remember what she has done to you, then you can work on it. But think about it this way - she didn't fess up to you, rather he mom told you, and she was only sorry when she got caught. This isn't a good sign of her character. Also, drinking isn't an excuse for any sort of behavior, including drunk driving and killing someone. I'm also a real light weight, but she should have never get so out of control that she overdrinks, especially if there is another guy in the room that will hit on her! All of that is common sense.

[corrin]

Sorry Peter. I would leave her. Alcohol is not an excuse. And frankly, if she blames it on that, you should be even more concerned. Is she never going to drink alcohol again? I am sure she will tell you that she will never drink again when she is not with you. But you can't trust her on that.

 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if she's going to do this to you again? Every time she goes out without you, you will wonder. Every time you guys have an argument, you will be concerned she is going to cheat on you.

 

Anyone can make a mistake. And if you had kids, I'd probably be more inclined to try and work it out with her. But I know I could never look at my wife again if she let another man touch her, lie naked with her, enter her and have sex with her. Sorry man.

 

Also, I would definitely track down this guy Derek and go to see him. If he was a close friend of her's, then he knew about you. Don't do anything stupid. But he deserves a good smack.

[Clarity]

I agree with everything you said except for the bolded part. Although it may sound satisfying on paper, nothing good can come of something like that. You might lose your dignity or worse.

 

Walking away and not looking back at him or her is the way to go, in my humble opinion. Trust that karma will take its course for the people responsible.