i've fallen and i can't get up. tell me what to do.

[klapowcius]

my story starts off with me having a horrible first boyfriend, reeling from the breakup and getting dumped and then a guy started talking to me.

 

we started off with the intent of being boyfriends, we talked for 4 hours the first night we talked, and 2 hours a day everyday. we eventually met and everything was good. we were working towards the best friendship two guys could ever have, and i was looking forward to dating, then having a relationship. then it became complicated. i made mistakes, and trust became a small issue. i didn't cheat or anything, it was more of me doing something he didn't want me to do. then he admitted he was a chronic cheater, out of dozens of relationships he had, only one guy was fortunate enough to not get cheated on.

 

which is why he said he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, he doesn't want to hurt me. said i deserve someone who would never think of it. he said he was a jerk to other people (he was the sweetest guy with me), and he's afraid he'd be a jerk to me. so to explain why we took the best friends road, we would rather be best friends for a long time and be in each other's lives, than us hooking up and eventually break up and end up hating each other.

 

a couple of months later, i moved into his house as a roommate. we got closer, sometimes too close, sometimes just right. we did everything, people thought we were husbands. it was nice, he scratches my back, tickles me, i give him footrubs. then the time came that we both have to meet other people. we've talked about it before, it's gonna be nice having a best pal around to talk to and sneak around with behind boyfriend's back. only i was hoping i'd find one first, so it's easier for me to get over the idea of us.

 

i couldn't. and now he's talking to guys (and one guy who spent the entire weekend at the house with him) and i find myself so jealous, and desperate, and i really want to move on, but i couldn't. i want him for myself, and he wanted me at some point. he told me just last week we would be perfect boyfriends, but kept bringing up his fear of cheating on me. and i'd chime in, i know too much about you to save face. i'm hopeful but i don't want to be. please, how do i move on from this? he's talking to this guy already, and i'm absolutely beside myself jealous, and while we'd talk about the way i feel for him, or about his boyhunting, i put on my best friend costume all the time and be all supportive and buddy-like. i want to get over him. immediately. i want to be his best friend. but i can't do that when i keep thinking about the possibility of us.

 

help.

[im_not_jose]

hm, he seems pretty sure that he'll eventually hurt you. to be honest, in my opinion, its sounds like he kind of fancies you sexually or however you would put it, but doesnt want to commit. So ya, in a way he's telling you the truth, he will eventually hurt you and he doesnt want you to get too attached to him, as he cant see himself having a long term commitment to you and is waiting for someone who fits him just right. sorry to bear u with bad news, but this is honestly what i think is going on. so the question is where do u go on from here? well, distance yourself, i think. and just live your life... eventually you will meet the guy who completes you and respects you and wants to commit. good luck

[klapowcius]

well an update: he asked the guy to be his boyfriend. i guess that seals my role then. it sucks, and it hurts and it sucks.

 

i asked him, do you have the same fear that you'll cheat on him. he said no. i really lost that one, didn't i?

[wellswomyn]

klapowcius,

 

being a lesbian, i have much experience with this situation. (since stereotypically lesbians tend to mutually break up and still continue living/sleeping together.) i have often found myself caught up in my own jealousy as an ex starts a new relationship. even though i may know that we would never work out, it still hurts to see them move on. what gets me through it is knowing that everything happens for a reason, and every person in our life will contribute to who we are and how we see the world.

 

i think you should really just focus on how to strenghten your friendship with this guy, and know that if you two are meant to be together, the time will come. it will feel right, unforced, no convincing needed. and if you two don't end up together, you will still have a wonderful friend who knows you better than most people in your life. stick with him, be supportive, and in the meantime, go out and date. even if you don't find a new boyfriend soon, it will help you out a lot to focuss your energy on someone other than this guy, at least for a while.

 

gay hugs, kim

[im_not_jose]

haha, the dilemma. who do you listen to? a guy like you, who understands what it feels like to be a guy in a relationship dilemma, or someone who knows what it is like to be in a homosexual relationship, even if its with a different sex? Is one more valid than the other? heh... a whole philosophical debate right there.

 

anyways, i know how you feel, not because someone did it to me, but because I was the one doing it to someone else. the story is I met a girl who I really fancied at first, but at the same time I was going through a really hard time after a breakup with my previous girlfriend. I was completely open and honest about everything to this new girl and I told her from the very beginning that I did really like her, but I just didnt know how strong it was, because I was still crumbling inside from my last gf and still thinking about her. Totally completely honest with her.

 

Over time I became less certain that I even wanted to have a girlfriend, let alone with her. I felt less and less comfortable with the relationship and I never hid that from her, but at the same time she was getting more and more hopelessly in love with me. So I did what I thought I needed to do. I didn't want her dating a confused and hurt boyfriend, and I really felt like she was totally blind to what I was telling her. I just couldn't see myself making her happy in the long run, like she ought to and I would only be making myself feel worse.

 

So I broke it off... I didnt do the mutual thing or what not, because I think thats kind of silly. I dont want to just move from one person to the next and I needed time to be alone. and I wanted her to have time to have fun, live life, meet someone who is good for her and treats her special, and not think about me. I didnt want to have her hanging in limbo, unsure about what i felt or if things would be ok again. sometimes you just have to cut ties completely for thigns to progress.

 

If you can be friends with him, thats really good. Everyone contributes to your life and who you are, but sometimes staying friends is more hurtful when you need the time to heal. sometimes people change and grow apart and realize they cant be friends anymore... not in the active sense. or that you realize he wasnt the person you really thought he was. its your decision. nothing is clean cut. after all, do we really know anyone?

[oxygen_lsv]

my ex-bf/bf was once like that in our 2nd months... he told me he doesn't wanna be with me becuze he doesn't want to hurt me like wat he did to his ex lovers... i'm confused aswell becuz my bf likes having sex with girls and not with boy except me... it's just really weird.. been together for 8 months now and now we are on a break...

[klapowcius]

update: things are weirder at the house now.

 

my bestfriend and i hasn't had a decent amount of talk time like we used to, when there should be more things to talk about now than before.

 

i'm giving him the space that he wants, when he's free after hanging out with his boyfriend, i don't seek him out anymore to talk or hangout. he knocks on my door after he takes his boyfriend home, to talk and to update himself on what's going on with me. i just sit there and tell him about stuff that i'm doing, sometimes i lie and tell him nothing's wrong about anything.

 

we used to call each other up at work to make each other laugh and tell jokes and anything unusual that happened at work. i stopped calling him. i figure that's his boyfriend's job now, to keep him happy. he calls me, when it's almost time to leave to see what's up. i used to search and wrack my brain trying to let him in on the details of everything, now i just say "oh nothing." he asks "so nothing, huh". and i say "yep."

 

he knows something's up, and he will bring it up eventually. right now, i'm just looking for stuff to do to keep me occupied. i am still unsure of my role in his life, he has a boyfriend he talks to a lot now, where do i fit in? do i still give him footrubs, will he still make me dinner? will he still give me backrubs and tickle me, can i still make his tuna and pineapple salad? can we still spend a weekend watching entire seasons of tv shows, or go on a horror slasher film fest?

 

we weren't boyfriends, but we both knew that these were things that boyfriends do. minus the sex, the kissing and the intimacy. he said i fill a void in his life when there was no one. now that there's someone, what now?

[im_not_jose]

im sorry to hear that, but thats just how things go in life. that special bond you had with him no longer becomes that special, and quite a lot of the things you shared will shift over to his new passion. obviously he still cares about you, but he doesnt want to be there for you the way that you once cherished. so the question really is, do you want to continue being miserable? or do you want to face the reality of the situation and move on...?

 

speaking from my experience with having the love of my life break up with me, I wouldnt suggest doing what I did... hanging on. its painful, but theres nothing you can do to change it. otherwise you will, like me, be in constant pain for over a year and it will mess your head up and put you in total depression. not much fun, trust me... be better than I was

 

remember, its all in your mind. in life, you may not have control over everything, but the one thing you can change is your happiness. so seek it

[Biactolite]

Hi,

 

New here. Just to offer some advice,

 

As Im not jose said, it will naturally be painful. But think on the long run, and what you would like to see. There are three main scenarios that will occur, I think.

 

1) You'll end up both falling into an akward situation, in which it's the "standing in an elevator and don't know whether to look up or down" kind of thing.

 

2) You can't have him, but at least you'll have a best friend. Let your personality shine, so that he'll value you as a person and a friend.

 

3) You keep pulling and tugging and eventually you get your way, and he gives in, and then you'll feel guilty for having steered the situation with your own hands into your own liking.

 

I would choose either 2 or 3. Don't choose one, because the end result just stinks - if you try and drop hints that you're upset, he'll just distance himself away, because it's the easiest thing to do. With this new attraction in his life, and his natural personality as a cheater, it doesnt' seem that he will be able to make the effort to say: "hey buddy..what's wrong." So definitley do NOT make that mistake. Don't act all upset, or don't *try* and make him see how you feel..at least not in this way. It doesnt' seem like it will work.

 

If you choose number 2, then it requires some acting. Even if you love him so much, just act like your the encouraging friend. Let your personality come through. Have you ever thought that he actually really wants to be good friends, but that he's afraid you'll get the wrong image, and so he distances himself? So don't latch on, don't act sullen, but act like you're totally psyched about your BEST FRIEND's developments. Pretend he's a girl or something, and that your best girl friend (I assume you're gay) just got a great guy. I think your friend will appreciate this MUCH more. Don't say: "well, his boyfriend will do this, and his boy friend will do that." Jump in, evaluate the situation, and fill in the gaps where he doesn't, and your friend will appreciate you much more as a person.

 

If you choose number 3, then just butt in and do a whole bunch of evil things. I guess you'd use your creativity. I suppose this is a more extreme version of number 2 - just force your way in by out-doing out-playing out-everything his boyfriend. I don't really think that this is a very good sport kinda thing to do. It's kind of like the sore loser thing to do.

 

Evaluating the three situations though, the worst thing for yourself is number 1. The best is number 2. Number 3 might be good in the end, but at the same time, he could end up despising you, so that's no good. In a nutshell, go with number 2. Resist your feelings, even if you say you can't and you feel like you can't. Treat it as a school project or a stupid assignment you have to get done - act the part of a best friend, and he will value that.

 

After all, people can't just have a lover. They do need friends, as often forgotten as this is.

 

Good luck!

[klapowcius]

 

 

i know he knows i'm having a hard time with this. we've talked about this once and he told me his sister pointed out to him that i moved in hoping that something will happen between us, and that with that guy in the picture, it dashes any hopes that i had. he didn't say there's no hope to be dashed, but i'm gonna bet that there isn't. he didn't ask me what's wrong, he coaxed me into telling him what's wrong. that's the guy he is.

 

you're right, by doing that, he might be oblivious to the intensity, and i might get myself worked up and end up hating him for not feeling my pain.

 

 

 

we had lunch yesterday, and his boyfriend is going out of town for a week this friday. i told him, maybe he should take him out the night before friday. he told me, there are no restaurants open by the time he gets out from his duties, so i told him, hey i can cook for you guys. mm-k. maybe not the best suggestion considering i haven't cooked in a while, but at least i'm slowly getting used to the role of the supportive best friend. he seemed to be weirded out by that.

 

 

 

all the scheming will just hurt my pretty head. i have decided that it might not be the time for us. maybe not this year, maybe not this decade. but he's the type of guy who is worth looking up after a couple of years. like so many best friends, there will be a time when we'll have a falling out, or maybe we'll just fade out. i will then come out to him out of the blue, and ask him out to dinner. i mean sure, we ask each other "so do you want to grab dinner?" but nothing like "so, can i ask you out to dinner sometime?". maybe by then, he would see me past the best friend status. i think i'll wait for our time.

[matty722]

nomber 2 sownds good thanks it heled me to

[jewelissa]

just be happy that he is being honest with you walk away now b4 it's 2late