The Break-up and Trying to Heal (Long)

[britomart]

Hiya Britomart

 

The thing is NC *is* you not contacting him. If he contacts you, ignore it, you're never going to move on if you talk to him every time he initiates contact.

 

NC is a way of you taking the reigns, of being in control of who you choose to let into your life, and making the decision to move on and heal.

 

What it is *not* is you waiting for him to make contact, then responding when he does. You will not get over him that way, believe me

 

Theres a really good page on here about NC...I'll see if I can dig out a link for you

 

Take care

OccultFigurine

 

To be completely honest with myself, I want him to contact me. I also don't think it will happen, as he's already cut our ties.

 

To that end, the 60 days is a goal I've set for myself. Hopefully, once that 60 days is reached, I can better assess the situation. I know that still wanting him to contact me means I have not moved on.

 

I don't expect to heal for a while. But that doesn't mean I won't try.

 

I can't hold grudges against anyone for a long time. I don't know if he can ever let go of the hurt he caused me, but I know I will try to let go of the greater hurt he caused me.

[britomart]

Day 7 of NC:

 

Someday, I'm going to look back at this thread and wonder who exactly was writing these threads. How we ourselves change as time passes...

 

I wanted to talk to my ex-ex about the situation, but on short notice he's visiting his gf (the one he broke up with me for). Well, THAT WAS KIND OF A BUMMER.

 

Doing lots of random reading...Murakami is a godsend lol.

[britomart]

Day 8 of NC:

 

Bleh. Moving on is really really hard for me, I realize.

 

It seems so easy for others, yet I struggle with it on a daily basis. Have been for the last 4 months.

 

Survived a week though.

[britomart]

I'm feeling a bit weak right now, so I'm rereading some "advice" that one of the kingdom mates in the game my ex and I used to play gave to me.

 

[08:56] you want to appologize again?

[08:56] yeah =/

[08:58] the more you apologize and the more he ignores the apologies

[08:58] the less likely is for him to ever be sorry

[08:58] for doing it

[09:02] the only desirable (from your point of view) outcome of apologies

[09:03] is that he'll one day talk to you again

[09:04] but just because he doesn't find anymore what he wants, in other places... and he knows that the last time you looked desperate

[09:06] this is how it works, men are ***holes

 

[09:07] so you're saying...the only reason he'll talk to me again is if he doesn't find w/e he's looking for

[09:07] yes, cause a woman would probably have the same reasons for coming back to a guy, after she left him

[09:07] considering he has a girlfriend

[09:08] it's not like he's dying for companionship (sarcasm)

[09:08] ...i think i would be cool with it if he had said

[09:09] "sorry, not interested in uto anymore. gotta leave"

[09:09] and if that gf is not 0% compatible, and lose the gf status very soon, than your memory will fade

[09:10] another "this is how it works"

 

01[09:11] just dunno why he kept on expecting me to talk to him

[09:13] the bf-gf relation is basically a trading of feelings "I make you feel good about yourself and accomplished as a human being, you do the same for me"

[09:13] sounds like he's needy

[09:14] if he found another source that can provide these feelings

[09:14] than you were just becoming annoying

 

[09:25] so A, if i got this right

[09:25] he preferred that i was being annoying, rather than me not speaking to him at all

[09:26] he liked the attention that he was getting from another girl

[09:26] even being annoying, is a sort of attention

[09:27] he didn't like that he had to respond to that attention

[09:27] cause those ressources of "responding to attention" were already targetted to someone else

[09:29] that's actually a pretty good explanation

 

[09:36] so i went away

01[09:36] he got no attention, and that made him unhappy

[09:36] because guys want attention...?

[09:36] of course

[09:37] so it's not like he missed me

[09:37] he just missed the attention

[09:37] well, kind of

[09:37] but the he was getting the attention from YOU

[09:38] you know, the represenation that we made in the tavern

[09:38] lol yep

[09:38] from a very simple point of view

[09:39] a guy sees pretty much only that, in a woman (if no feelings are involved)

[09:39] so if he misses her, he only misses those parts actually

[09:40] but he can't get them without the whole woman, so he has to miss the rest as well

[09:41] that's him missing you, cause he only misses your attention

[09:41] isn't that...what i said?

[09:42] where's the "kind of" coming in

[09:42] right

[09:42] in a sense

[09:43] he was missing you

[09:43] the whole "you"

[09:43] cause in fact, it's impossible to separate

[09:43] except he's never seen the whole me

[09:43] and those parts...never happened lol

[09:43] the imagine of you

[09:44] you never see the whole person

[09:44] ok, so he misses "me" in a twisted kind of way

[09:44] you just iagine what they look like

[09:44] and taht's where the analogy comes in

[09:44] you can't separate the boobs

[britomart]

A and I were talking about why someone would hurt a non-neutral person.

 

[06:50] in real cases, the oppinion about the other person is that he caused some good and some bad things and you make a balance, in order to consider him a good or a bad person

[06:50] ...simplified

[06:51] but when you face a possibility of hurting that person

[06:52] it's still a matter of intelligence in what regards the human nature

[06:52] to figure out that there's nothing real to gain from it

[06:53] if you know yourself at a deep enough level, you manage to get past the emotions and reach this truth

[06:54] but there may also be nothing to lose

[06:55] so than people are tempted to take revenge

[06:55] it's still not because they're evil

[06:57] it's a stupid way of sharing the suffering

[06:58] this is still the neutral perpsective?

[06:59] they would prefer to tell somone about their suffering and they would prefer that the person understands and agrees and fills their need for whatever they're needy for

[06:59] but they're scared of not being hurt even harder

[07:00] so instead, they take revenge

[07:00] cause it's easy and doesn't involve risk

[07:01] and they won't be the only one suffering

[07:02] is that "nothing to lose"?

[07:02] this is the perspective of people that do harm to non-neutrals

[07:02] ok

[07:02] but by doing that

[07:02] are they also assuming that they have nothing to lose?

[07:03] or that they lost almost everything that there was to lose, from that interaction

[07:03] and what little is left

[07:04] can be accepted, for the sake of sharing the suffering

[Quique]

hey break up sucks. i;m going through some pain here myself as well. Hey Please email on how you have been able to overcome your break up. Here's my email email removed

 

thanks alot

[britomart]

Day 9 of NC:

 

I just want to smack my head against the wall sometimes. Self-infliction of pain doesn't work though. I was desperate enough to try it shortly after the break-up...and it only served to confirm to me what a mess I was.

 

I have not blocked him from MSN. I'm not going to try to carry a grudge any longer, even if he never contacts me again.

 

I still don't understand...

 

He told me to go away because I had avoided him on MSN for 4 days. Granted, I was being needy when I DID talk to him, but I interpreted "where's the pleasure in talking to you if all i get is emo bulls**t?" as DON'T BOTHER ME.

 

I didn't bother him, but he made himself out to be a victim because I didn't show up on MSN. Thus justifying his reason to cut all ties.

 

In the end, he did what I didn't have the will to do. I still don't know how I feel about this.

[britomart]

With all the Facebook threads, I've been thinking...

 

He never showed me his picture during our relationship. He said he was scared I wouldn't like him. I told him I trusted him and would wait until he felt comfortable sending pictures of himself.

 

Before he met the girl he's with now, she added him on FB and he accepted. I was a bit hurt that he would add her, but not me. He again said that he was scared I wouldn't like him, and he was dating me, not her.

 

Now I wonder if whether the real reason he didn't add me as friends was because he was too embarrassed to be seen dating someone 6 years older that he met in an online game.

[britomart]

Day 10 of NC:

 

Didn't sign on to MSN today - work kept me a bit busy throughout the day though. When things wind down though, that's when the emotions start worming their way in.

 

When I get the urge to contact him - when I think that he's waiting for me to take the first step, I remind myself that he ended our contact on his terms - "go away." I sent one email (which I have no idea if he read) that if he decided to be friends in the future, drop me a line.

 

I did what I could. In the meantime, I will work on myself.

[britomart]

Day 11 of NC:

 

I can't say NC gets easier. Each day is a struggle in itself. I try to keep in mind that my focus should be on healing.

 

I'm not sure it's healthy, but I do a lot of thinking about what I could have done differently. It's all in the past - but without self-introspection one cannot improve.

 

I deeply regret breaking NC on the second day after we "parted." While I was truly in a nervous state of shock, the email itself was a cry for attention. It showed that

 

1. I had no willpower.

2. I was desperate for attention.

 

Now that I've admitted it I hope I can move on from the mistake.

[britomart]

Day 12 of NC:

 

Ugh. WAAAHHH! This day is/was like a roller coaster.

 

The day started out ok. It's a holiday. The skies are clear...the weather is warm. I wake up feeling relatively normal.

 

I make a few calls. I call my ex-ex who has just gotten back from a vacation with his girlfriend. I've been talking with him recently, trying to figure out the past...my mistakes...my feelings...my depression.

 

The more I talk, the more I realize my suspicions are true. He has been hiding things from me. At first it was the girlfriend...then his feelings for me are only just those of a distant friend...then his possible marriage to the girlfriend.

 

Honestly, I was frustrated. Does 6 years and dumping me while living by myself in a foreign country not AT LEAST deserve the truth? Even if it's the cold truth? I trusted him - I trusted him so much I accepted every one of his words as truth...even after the break-up. Until now - I don't doubt he is speaking the truth now...but I don't know if I can trust him.

 

I asked him, "Have I been talking about this to the wrong person?"

 

His reply: "Maybe."

 

I know I made mistakes in my first relationship. If I could I would correct. But I know that second chances don't always exists...and will definitely not in this case.

 

I saw my last ex online all day today. Maybe he is with his gf; maybe he is studying for his finals. I don't know. I suppose that is best. BUT I wanted to talk to him sooo badly.

 

IM /email/ texting makes for easy communication. As another poster has said...maybe too easy. We don't take the time to think what we type anymore because of instant communication and easy accessibility. Words don't carry the depth that they used to.

 

I realize I put some of myself into every person I date. And when he leaves it rips out a part of me. Relationships are hard.

 

I need to be thinking about what to do when I leave for Japan in 3 months. Yet I'm so depressed about this almost every day. It's really frightening.

 

I'm glad for my family though. I'm glad for this forum. I'm glad for the other foreign teachers in Japan. I'm glad for my online friends who do what they can for me given the limited capacity in my difficult times.

 

I'm grateful for the support I've been given. But yet...some part of me longs for that second chance, even though I'm trying my best to move on.

[britomart]

Day 14 of NC:

 

Friday and Saturday were very low points. I almost broke down and contacted the current ex. I started thinking that if I took the first step, it would be ok, since he cut off contact because he was angry that I wasn't online.

 

I stepped back to Earth. Remembered that he wrote "time to move on" at the end.

 

I'm dealing with it okay right now, but my moods change completely day-to-day.

 

Oh, I'm also leaving Japan in 3 months, not "leaving for." So so many things to arrange and yet I'm a basket case.

[britomart]

Day 17 of NC:

 

I think of him too much. The thing that is giving me the greatest pain right now is that he can treat me so cruelly and not even care.

 

He knows how badly he hurt me. I haven't been mean to him since the break-up - yet he can't even see my viewpoint at all.

 

I need space....that doesn't mean I don't care. But he has to walk away.

[britomart]

Day 18 of NC:

 

I thought of him a lot today. A fair amount of it was false hopes. *sighs*

 

My appetite is on the back burner again. I really wish my emotional state would stop see-sawing on me.

 

On the plus side, I wasn't sure if I would make it to Day 18 w/o breaking down.

[britomart]

Day 19 of NC:

 

It's been 21 days since he cut off contact. It's been 19 days since I last sent him anything.

 

I realize I've been dragging myself down. I need to think positively, be proactive.

 

I haven't been on MSN all this week. Several days away + several exhausting days at work + emotional exhaustion. I knew I wasn't ready to go online and see him online also. Today I found myself wondering if he would notice, and if so, would he be angry, even though we're not on speaking terms.

 

That was when I thought, why are you beating yourself up? You no longer have that kind of relationship - you no longer need to be responsible to him.

 

Let him go. Set yourself free.

[britomart]

Day 28 of NC:

 

I haven't posted in this "diary" a while, in order to gain some perspective. My urges to contact him have been less frequent, although I don't know if it's because I've convinced myself later would be a good time or because I'm truly in the process of letting him go.

 

I'm pretty sure he's not going to contact me in the near future. The last 3 exchanges from him were, "F*** off," "time to move on," and "don't send another msg." He's seeing someone else, so he's got his time filled.

 

I admit to having the desire to reconcile, whether it's a good or bad thing. However, I am realistic so I do not expect it. In the meantime, I have removed myself entirely from online chatting tools (he has no other way except that and email to contact me). Right now I THINK the best thing for me to do is:

 

1. Stay out of sight.

2. Do not contact him at all. I told him if he wanted to be friends in the future, he can drop me a line. I'm hoping that enough time passes so he can see that my not going online or w/e is not a vendetta against him, but healing myself.

 

Right now I'm debating whether to contact him once the 60 day mark has passed.

 

-I'm afraid that might be harmful "pushing."

-I'm doing this out of selfish interests.

 

However, I've messed up so many times in the past that input is appreciated.

[britomart]

Day 32 NC:

 

It's hard to gauge my emotions. I am no longer in the "pit-of-hell" state. However, neither am I taking the steps forward that I need to be. I am in limbo.

 

The urge to contact him comes and goes. My primary desire in doing so is for him to be honest...why would he reject me when I was the one who was seemingly rejected? But getting honesty from him after all the sh*t that hit the fan is...impossible.

 

I know the best thing to do is to focus on me, but it's hard to stop thoughts from straying.

[Adge]

but it's hard to stop thoughts from straying.

 

Agreed, and until either you get over him whilst staying single, or meet another person who is more compatible you will continue to be in limbo.

 

He sounds like a complete jerk to be honest.

 

PS: Don't for goodness sake contact him!

[britomart]

Agreed, and until either you get over him whilst staying single, or meet another person who is more compatible you will continue to be in limbo.

 

He sounds like a complete jerk to be honest.

 

PS: Don't for goodness sake contact him!

 

That made me smile a bit. Thanks!

 

It's not that I hate him, but my self-esteem has been so badly shattered by his actions. Every day I think about whether I was the one who was wrong. My thoughts goes like this...

 

"I don't think it was wrong of me to go offline since he told me it's no fun talking to me...but why did he cut me off? Well...I did write in an email 2 weeks before then that if he wanted to talk, I will be there. But he was the one who wanted to talk! Maybe I should have sent him an email stating I was going NC to stop this vicious cycle..." and so-on.

 

Very unproductive, especially since I'm harboring on the past. But yeah, I realize I've been blaming myself. I've been wanting to clear the anger. A lot of these impulses come from my low self-esteem.

 

And that's why I've been NC, despite some very strong urges to contact him. Because I'm not myself yet.

 

DAY 36 of NC and slogging onwards.