What would be the best way to close a relationship?

[terry210]

I have now been "friends" with my ex for 2 months (she dumped me after 4 years)

We agreed to be friends but it is hurting me too much and sooner or later I think that she will find someone special and will forget all about me.

At the moment I still feel there is something between us and she has even admitted this, So I feel it is now a good time to "nip it in the bud"

 

The question that I am asking is "How do I do this" and which way would give me the best outlook from a psychological point of view?

ie Make her feel that she has lost me and maybe find some feelings or start really doubting her decision, Because thats what happened to me.

 

When she finished with me it felt like a kick in the nuts from an elephant.

I didn't realise my feelings were so strong for her and it knocked me to my senses - I want to make her feel the same way and to feel that she has lost someone special, and to make her think about me - which she doesn't do when she knows that I am hanging on for friendship.

 

At the moment she calls every day even though I have only responded twice in three weeks, "trying a treat her mean to keep her keen" strategy - and it's working because she never even contacted me this much when we was going out.

 

I know that this is a gamble but I think that it's worth the risk - for my own sanity.

[terry210]

A few ideas that I had were........

 

a) take her to an expensive restaurant (the whole flowers etc) and tell her that i love her and that I can't be friends whilst I am loving someone who doesn't love me and that my feelings are too strong.

 

- But this could make me seem weak and needy, and she may run away (She did when I told her this when we first split)

 

b) Meet her in a bar and tell her that I now realise that we wasn't meant to be, and that I don't love her any more so theres no point in being friends.

 

- Kind of dumping her back - after she dumped me - this made me realise my feelings for her.

 

c) Call her and tell her that i don't think that it would work out being friends with her because my new girlfriend isn't happy about my ex calling me every day and if we are in relationships then it's not fair to us or our new relationships.

 

- kind of passing the blame onto someone else.

 

d) ignore her and hope that she will stop calling and take the hint

 

- abit rude.

 

e) give her an ultimatum such as 24 hours to make a decision to come back to me or never see me again.

 

or

f) any other suggestions?

 

I want to have the maximum impact to shock her and make her think.

- If she doesn't come back then at least I know that I can move on and try to forget about her.

[tere]

Maybe doing no contact and let her see that you are moving on to enjoying life, making new friends... let her miss you, wonder what you are up to and why you are not begging or trying revenge...

[terry210]

Thanks for the reply tere,

But if I do the No Contact thing then it will be the same as ignoring her, and with minimal contact it will still be dragging this whole thing on and on.

 

I want to be either with her (preferably) or without her (and move on)- but it will be her decision.

 

I can't go through another 2 months of security tennis.

 

Do you think that I should play a little longer?

because I feel that sooner or later we will end up hating each other and I don't want her telling me that she has met the man of her dreams.

I am at the point where I wont answer the phone when she rings because I am scared of what she will tell me.

I need to find out her feelings - no games.

[kate111]

Definitely rule out giving an ultimatum (they never work) or telling her you love her (will make her run).

 

I can see what you mean about wanting to have the whole thing resolved. Better for your own sanity. But it not as easy as that.

 

If you can hack it, and you want the best chance at getting her back then I think the best approach is probably to distance yourself from her, do no contact and treat the whole thing as if it is over. After all, she has told you that it is over so you must treat it as over and move on.

 

If she is calling then be nice to her, or ignore her but don't beg her or reveal any feelings to her. Just end conversations first and keep yourself pretty busy.

 

If she is going to come back, it must be because she wants to come back and for no other reason. Attraction is the best way of luring someone back. The best way to make her want to come back is to become someone she is attracted to.

 

This means:

 

being strong, being nice, being positive not negative, but also having respect for yourself and loving yourself enough to accept her decision and move on.

[a_little_sparrow]

I'm kind of new here.

 

This friendship you're talking about is tied too closely to the romance, and you can't separate the two.

 

I would suggest telling her how you feel. Just be honest about it. Tell her you love her very much, but your friendship is as much about the romance you had as it is about being best friends. And so maybe you should take a break from everything, and then after a set time frame you can come back to it and see how you both feel. Maybe you'll want to be friends. Maybe she'll want more than that. I wish I could tell you which would happen.

 

But I think no matter what she'll appreciate your honesty.

 

Sparrow.

[terry210]

I'm going to meet her for the final time in the week.

She has asked to meet me and then backed out of it, but she is still texting me and calling me honey and babe (Iknow that this isn't unusual - but it is for her)

 

I just wanted some more opinions please just an A, B, C, or D will do. advice would be better.

[terry210]

Quick update she has text me asking to meet me this week (first time since we split)

Is this good news or bad news? should I accept and tell her then?

I'm so confused.

[amaranth_04]

I need to find out her feelings - no games.

 

It is what you are essentially doing - playing a game. You aren't going to be direct with her; instead, you want to assume certain feelings and behaviour in the hopes of eliciting a reaction from her. And as in all games, there's the risk of losing.

 

I suggest what the others have said. Move on with your life. And do so honestly, not because you want a reaction from her. It could backfire on you if she does not notice what you're doing, and you have to deal with the rejection again.

 

You have very reason to move on. She ended it. It doesn't seem like she wants to get back. Sure, she's calling you everyday now but has she made the move to actually get back with you? Is she perhaps feeling insecure about being alone and wanting you there til she finds another? Is she feeling insecure also because she's wondering if you indeed have moved on or even found another and she's the one left behind ? So do keep in mind other possibilities for her reaction.

 

When you honestly move on for your sake, if she realizes her mistake, she will come looking. If she doesn't, you will have moved on.

 

You could see what she has to say when you meet her this week. If she's not offering anything concrete, and I'm gathering you want a relationship with her again, not just friendship, then tell her you feel the contact has to stop. Perhaps you could add that you won't ignore if there's something really important to be said, but other than that, you don't want the 'hi, how are u' phone calls etc. You could say this if it seems like she indeed is agonizing over losing you for good. But keep in mind, the other possibilities stated above ^^ for her reaction re: insecurity, because if she is indeed agonized, she will ask to get back together with you.