Is it guilt or love?

[veryconfused]

Hello everyone,

 

I am so confused and feeling really stupid.

 

Me and my exhusband were married for 6 1/2 years and have been together for 11. We have one 5 year old child together.

 

We have never had a perfect relationship, but I always thought that we were ment to be together, it was fate that brought us together.

 

Last October he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore, I was selfish and that he wasn't "inlove" with me but he did "love me". He started hanging out at bars and having female friends.

 

He moved out of the house and became good friends with one girl. She fell in love with him although he did not love her, he felt she understood him. He would not give her up as a friend and could not understand the meaning of a "emotional affair". Anyways, we started counciling and I thought that things were going great, we were dating again and having fun alothough not living together.

 

All crap hit the fan one night when I saw him out at the bar with her and his friends.

 

I said that was it, he had promised me enough times that he would not have anything to do with her. (I do believe him that the were not having an affair of sex, she wanted to, but he looked at her as a "friend who listended to him").

 

We are now divorced, but we talk on the phone everyday and even have sex about once a week. (I know, not a good thing). He says that he loves talking to me on the phone, but when we are together face to face, he has this anger for me he doesn't know how to explain. He figures that there has to be someone out there for each of us that are more suited for us.

 

He has started dating and it drives me crazy. He said that he is not going to come home and that he wishes that we could both go experice life and meet up again in a year to see if we still really want each other.

 

This pisses me off, it 's like I am not going to put my life on hold for him, but I am so scared that if I stop talking to him, he will forget me. I want him back, I don't know why. May be just for the satisfaction of hearing him say it was a huge mistake he made (because he did, he did not even give our relationship a chance even with counciling, he kept on lying and messing up).

 

I don't know what to do, let him go or fight for him eventhough he has interest in other women. I have too gone out with other men, but I come home crying because I want my old life back, I don't like the single thing, I loved my marriage and my family and my husband.

 

He says he misses me too, but too much has happened for us to be together. So why does he call me? How can he call me and me call him while he is out looking for other women to meet? Is it guilt b/c he knows I would have done anything to keep our family together?

 

 

 

Help, please, please!

[sisterlynch]

I think that he is being very honest with you which is good. Open communication is difficult for people, especially when it isn't what the other wants to hear. This sounds strange but is used to be called "child psychology" when I was growing up and it still seems to work. You need to get over him and then he will be more interested in you!

 

You know the old saying opposites attract, you were becoming too close to him and he resented you for it. My husband did the same thing! They want to know who you are so you need to assert yourself and become attractive to other people.

 

It is true that you cannot fall in love until you are totally over him, so that is what you need to work on. My husband never left, but he changed without really telling me he was changing. Because of it, however, our lives have been so much better, because we were forced out of our old fashioned lifestyle.

 

Now we both respect each other and love one another a lot better. I needed to grow and be more independent of him. I was sad and clingy and I hated myself, but I needed to find out that it wasn't ok with him for me to be that way, before I could grow up!

 

The next time you are on a date pretend that you don't love him anymore, just act it out as if you were in a play! See if you don't feel much better! You may still come home and cry, but you may have a good time. Remember the bad parts about your husband and cling to the things that you didn't like...that will make it easier.

 

Expect it to take a year or more. I got over the initial shock in about 3 months. I was able to get someone off his tail, and then getting over the shock and the changed feelings took another 6 mos or so. This websight really helped because I could see that others felt the same as I did.

[Quill]

Which bit of I no longer want you and am no longer in love with you did you not get?. Which bit of I no longer want you, am no longer in love with you, am not coming home AND my actions will CLEARLY show you that, did you not get?....

 

He's playing you for a total chump and you're letting him walk all over you!. Time to take the blinders off dear lady.... I will spell things out...

 

I promise you the girl he started seeing after "he moved out of the house" was on the scene before he told you it was over for him with you.... she was the catalyst for that decision. He's a proven liar and here you are telling yourself you believe him when he tells you he's not having sex with her, she's just a friend who understands him. Puuleaze, that's the oldest line in the book!. WHY wouldn't he be having a sexual relationship with her?!.... he left you so he can pursue whomever he likes guilt free, he has no interest in working anything out with you, he's a liar.... PROMISES he wont have anything more to do with her yet ALSO says he will not give her up AND she's in love with him. You're in love with him, he doesn't want that much more to do with you... other than sex and he's sure not giving you up entirely either. You're seriously deluding yourself if you think he's not screwing her AND others and feeding them the same lines of crap he's feeding you (do you honestly think he's telling them you two are having sex once a week... or do you think perhaps he's telling them there's nothing more but friendship going on?).

 

The guy no longer wants you, no longer is in love with you, moves out, has someone else and here you are flipping about said girl and making him promise not to have anything more to do with her?!. Something wrong with that picture from your end.

 

Here's what I see... he's keeping you around throwing you the occasional verbal hope hook, which you're buying hook line and sinker whilst the majority of the time he's telling you EXACTLY where he's at (but you're not really listening) whilst he goes has some fun exploring what's out there..... after he's had his fun and he hasn't met anyone who'll put up with his bullshit quite like you do he'll come running back with every sweet word you've ever heard... and it'll all once again be lies and an act.

 

He's got some pretty big issues... commitment being one of them, immuturity another. YOU really need to grow some self-respect and some courage and put a stop to this... it's degrading how your letting yourself be treated. He's using you and you KNOW it, wants half his cake and eat it too. Yuck!. I wouldn't want this guy back if you paid me. You ARE putting your life on hold and to be honest this is the type of guy you WANT to stop talking to so he CAN forget using you in his childish games. Move on.

 

PS It's not about feelings of guilt... it's ALL about manipulation.

[SwingFox]

Wowowow Quill ... you tell'em!!! *grins*....

 

Hi veryconfused,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for sharing your concerns with us. I am sorry to hear what you are going through and that things are not really working as you planned.

 

Sisterlynch is right: you cannot entirely love someone else, if you're not over your previous love. I would like to add this to her suggestions and comments:

 

It doesn't really matter what HE is up to or how HE feels. I am more concerned over how YOU feel and how YOU are going to move on. Don't forget that the only obligation YOU have in life, is the obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, YOU cannot make someone else happy. I see that you are very full of this young man, and somewhat pushing yourself aside. I would start to come around and put yourself first now. If you decide to leave him and leave it by that, start a healing process and work on YOU. There's always time for someone else again.

 

I hope this helped you and I wish you good luck

 

~ SwingFox ~

[Quill]

The lies and manipulations some men tell are bad enough.... the lies and rationalising women tell themselves, further decreasing their self respect are FAR worse. I DO understand how our brains switch off when our hearts are involved however.

 

Sorry if I was too harsh Very Confused/Swing Fox... sometimes though, it's what people need to snap some reality back into their consciousness.

 

All the best

[veryconfused]

Thank you to everyone who has responded to my plea for help.

 

I know I am being stupid, but something tells me if I just hold on a little longer, may be he will realize what a huge mistake he has made.

 

Everyday I say I won't answer his calls, but I do. Everyday I say I am not going to think about him, but here I am writting this!

 

I know I am a strong person and deserve someone to love me the way I know I can love them.

 

And no one was too harsh on me, that is what I finally need in my life - TRUTH!